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The Funny Side of Horribly Depressing News

>MAN IN HORRIBLE ACCIDENT WHILE TYPING ON CELL PHONE; ACCIDENTALLY ‘REPLIED ALL’ TO BOSS WITH INAPPROPRIATE EMAIL

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>BUSH NIXES OBAMA’S REQUEST TO WORK FROM SECOND DESK IN THE OVAL OFFICE UNTIL JAN 20

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>SOMALI PIRATES MANAGE TO HIJACK LAST ‘Wii FIT’ IN COASTAL TARGET STORE

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>BLOODBATH OVER Wii AVAILABILITY AT TARGET MISTAKEN FOR EUROPEAN SOCCER MATCH

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>35 DEAD IN WAL-MART RIOT OVER 5 A.M. BUY-1-GET-1-HALF-OFF AAA BATTERY OFFER

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>ROGUE WAVE ERUPTS IN STANDS DURING THANKSGIVING DAY COWBOY’S GAME; 2 DEAD, 74 INJURED

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>OBAMA TO INHERIT WARS, ECONOMIC CHAOS, AND NEGLECTED WHITE HOUSE HEDGE ROW FROM BUSH

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>CRAPPY DRIVE-THRU SPEAKER BLAMED FOR CUSTOMER’S ORDER OF McDONALD’S EXIT SIGN AND MEDIUM AIRCRAFT CARRIER

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>FEDS SUGGEST CITIZENS TAKE ADVANTAGE OF NIGERIAN GET-RICH-QUICK EMAILS

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>STUDY: CONSUMERS STILL REFUSING TO USE STARBUCKS’ STUPID CUP SIZE NAMES

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>INCOMING PRESIDENT OBAMA ASKS TO BE SHOWN THE MAGIC ‘FIND BIN LADEN’ WAND

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>CONFUSED LIBERALS WONDERING WHY BUSH IS WAITING SO LONG TO REVEAL SELF AS THE ANTI-CHRIST

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>CONSUMERS SEEK FEDERAL ASSISTANCE ON $600 BLACKBERRY STORM COST

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>BUSH REQUESTS VACATION TIME ‘FROM NOW UNTIL JAN 20’

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>NY TIMES TO LAY OFF 10,000 OBAMA CAMPAIGN WORKERS

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>OBAMA TO MAKE ED McMAHON CABINET-LEVEL, DOOR-TO-DOOR ‘BAILOUT DISTRIBUTOR’

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>ASHLEE SIMPSON GIVES BIRTH TO A SPOILED CELEBRITY KID

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>APPLE’S NEXT iPHONE RUMORED TO BE iPHONE KILLER

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>AUTOMAKER CEO ADDS PALM BEACH ESTATE MORTGAGE TO BAILOUT FUNDS REQUEST

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>SAUDI PRINCE EMPTIES POCKET, BUYS CITIGROUP WITH CASH, 2 MARBLES AND SOME LINT

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>FLORIDA GOV PETITIONS CONGRESS FOR BAILOUT AFTER TEMPS DIVE BELOW BEARABLE

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>OBAMA DISASSOCIATES SELF FROM AL-ZAWAHRI AFTER ‘HOUSE NEGROE’ COMMENT

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>BAILOUT PLAN CHANGES AGAIN; CONGRESS TO BUY $700 BILLION WORTH OF PENNY WHISTLES AND MOON PIES

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>SHUTTLE CREW DROPS, LOSES SHUTTLE IGNITION KEYS IN SPACE

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>D.C. REQUESTS BAILOUT FUNDS FOR INAUGURATION; CALLS EVENT ‘TOO BIG TO FAIL’

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>OBAMA TOLD HE CAN’T SEE ROSWELL ALIEN UNTIL JAN 20

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>7-11 TO OFFER NEW 48-HOUR ENERGY SHOTS

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>McCAIN OFFERS TO HELP PALIN IN 2012 IF HE’S ‘STILL UP AND AROUND’

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>SPACE SHUTTLE CREW REPORTS ABILITY TO SEE ENORMOUS U.S. ECONOMIC PROBLEM FROM SPACE

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>TOWN FULL OF MOM & POP SHOPS ON EDGE AS WAL-MART TROOPS EDGE CLOSER TO BORDER

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>’PREOCCUPIED’ OBAMA FINDS NBC OUTSIDE WINDOW HOLDING BOOMBOX

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>HILLARY CLINTON ACCEPTS SECRETARY OF STATE OFFER; BACKGROUND CHECKS ‘CLEAN’ FOR HUSBAND, MISTRESSES

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>RACIAL TENSIONS BROIL IN REV. WRIGHT’S CONGREGATION OVER OBAMA’S WHITE HALF

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>OBAMA, McCAIN MEET FACE TO FACE TO SWAP ‘LOST’ THEORIES

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>FLORIDA TEMPS PLUMMET INTO SIXTIES, STATE OF EMERGENCY DECLARED

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>FL STATE GOV OFFICES, PUBLIC SCHOOLS CLOSE AS TEMPS PLUMMET INTO SIXTIES

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>NEWLY-FOUND BEATLES SOUNDTRACK INCLUDES ‘LESS MIND-NUMBINGLY HORRIBLE’ YOKO ONO CONTRIBUTION

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>EXPERT: WATER GUNS SAFE FROM OBAMA’S ANTI-GUN AMBITIONS

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>VENUS WILLIAMS SPRAINS WRIST IN WII TENNIS MATCH

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>OBAMA OFFERS HILLARY CLINTON OPPORTUNITY TO MANAGE STATE DEPARTMENT’S SECOND LIFE AVATARS

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>PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA TRADES BASKETBALL GYM FOR ‘LESS TIME-CONSUMING AND MORE COMPACT’ Wii FIT

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>REV. WRIGHT, FARRAKHAN, AYERS, AND OPRAH UNLEASHED IN WAKE OF OBAMA WIN

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>RAHM EMANUEL STABS REPUBLICAN IN STOMACH, OFFERS TO MAKE ‘BIPARTISAN’ CALL TO 911

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>OBAMA FACES ‘FIRST TOUGH QUESTIONS’ FROM MEDIA OVER WHITE HOUSE PUPPY PREFERENCES

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>VICTIMS OF 2004 ASIAN TSUNAMI OFFER FINANCIAL RELIEF TO EMBATTLED U.S.

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>’CONGRATULATIONS PRESIDENT McCAIN’ SIGNMAKING INDUSTRY SEEKS $57 BAILOUT

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>MINNESOTA SENATE RACE GAP NARROWS; FRANKEN FINDS ‘A DOZEN OR SO’ MORE VOTES MIXED IN WITH LAUNDRY

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>JOHN McCAIN MULLS CUSTOMARY POST-ELECTION-LOSS PROFESSORSHIP, BEARD, AND WEIGHT GAIN

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>REPUBLICANS CALL FOR OBAMA IMPEACHMENT, CITE ‘LEFTWINGAGENDAGATE’

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>GOP: NEXT CANDIDATE NEEDS TO ‘HARNESS THE POWER OF SOCIAL FROLICKING SITES LIKE MYFACE AND SPACEBOOK’

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