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>BUSH URGES CANADA TO RECALL PETER JENNINGS

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>BUSH NOMINATES KELLOG’S TONY THE TIGER FOR COMMERCE SECRETARY

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>MICHAEL MOORE GETS STAR ON HOLLYWOOD WALK OF SHAME

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>SMOKERS DYING OVER HIGH CIGARETTE PRICES

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>U.N. URGES UKRANIANS TO RESOLVE ELECTION DISPUTE BY ‘SITTING AROUND AND HOPING’

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>JONES SODA INTRODUCES ‘CASTOR OIL’ AND ‘DOG MESS’ FLAVORS

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>WAL-MART RUNNING OUT OF MULLET COMBS AND THOSE CHEAP TVS THEY ALWAYS PUSH

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>NATION’S TARGETS DOWN TO 8 OPEN PARKING SPOTS

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>BARRED FROM THANKING ‘GOD’, PUBLIC SCHOOL KIDS OPT TO THANK LUNCH LADY AND CONDOM DISTRIBUTOR

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>SURVEY: MOST PEOPLE NOT IMPRESSED WITH ‘GANGSTER CARS’

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>SCOTT PETERSON DYES HAIR BLONDE AGAIN IN ATTEMPT TO DUCK DEATH PENALTY

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>OJ SIMPSON CLAIMS PROGRESS IN PURSUING ‘KILLER’ ON MIAMI’S GOLF COURSES

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>HOLIDAY FESTIVITIES THREATEN TO INTERFERE WITH TRAVEL PLANS FOR SOME

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>MICHAEL MOORE DIAGNOSED WITH FAT COW DISEASE… DEVELOPING…

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>DNC PLANS FOR ‘WINNING ELECTIONS IN THE FUTURE’ BY MORE AGGRESSIVELY FINANCING OHIO RECOUNT

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>COURT ORDERS THAT ‘SOME SUPERNATURAL, TOLERANT, AND POLITICALLY CORRECT BEING’ BE THANKED, NOT GOD

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>OZZY OSBOURNE BITES HEAD OFF BURGLAR DURING BREAK-IN SCUFFLE

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>MINUTES WORTH OF BASKETBALL GAMEPLAY BREAKS OUT IN MIDDLE OF CHICAGO BULLS – PHOENIX SUNS FIGHT

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>NBA COMMISSIONER LEVIES STIFF PUNISHMENT ON SPECTATORS: BANS ASSAULT ON PLAYERS, MISSILE PROJECTING, HECKLING, CHEERING

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>KERRY BLAMES FOXNEWS FOR HIS FAILURE; SAYS NETWORK ‘DISPLAYED MY FACE IN ATTEMPT TO TURN OFF VOTERS’

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>DETROIT PISTONS’ FANS SUSPENDED FOR 10 GAMES…DEVELOPING…

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>NBA, NHL, BOXING TO MERGE DUE TO ‘SIMILARITY OF PLAY’

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>ALEXANDER SCHOLZYNISTAN WADES INTO STANDS AT CHESS MATCH, BLOODIES CHESS HECKLER

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>NATION ON EDGE TODAY AS ‘PROFESSIONAL’ SPORTING EVENTS TAKE PLACE

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>PACERS’ RON ARTEST: ‘I DON’T GET PAID ENOUGH TO NOT JUMP INTO THE STANDS AND BEAT UP FANS’

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>VISITORS TO RAINY CLINTON LIBRARY OPENING WARY ABOUT CATCHING COLD, VENEREAL DISEASES

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>ALL HECK BREAKS LOSE IN SO-CALLED ‘PROFESSIONAL’ SPORTS

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>CLINTON: ‘THE LIBRARY REPRESENTS MY PURPOSE, MY VISION, MY LIBIDO’

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>CROWD OF ONLOOKERS DISAPPOINTED AS METEOR TURNS OUT ONLY TO BE ALIEN SPACECRAFT

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>BUSH CAUGHT IN VERBAL GAFFE, SAID CLINTON ‘SERVED AMERICA’

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>CLINTON LIBRARY OPENING SHOWCASES END OF CHELSEA CLINTON’S ‘AWKWARD STAGE’

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>GOTTI BRAT SCREAMS ‘DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!" WHILE GETTING BEAT TO A MUCH-DESERVED PULP

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>OUSTED SEN. DASCHLE FINDS WORK AS MALE PAGE FOR BARNEY FRANK’S CONGRESSIONAL OFFICE

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>CLINTON LIBRARY’S ‘WOMEN OF ILL REPUTE’ WING RUNS OUT OF SPACE, MOVED TO NEARBY WHAREHOUSES

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>MYSTERIOUS IMAGE OF VIRGIN MARY APPEARS IN CHURCH STAINED GLASS WINDOW DEPICTING CHRIST BIRTH

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>KERRY PREPS TO GIVE SPEECH SAYING BUSH ‘BETRAYED OUR COUNTRY… HE PLAYED ON OUR FEARS!’

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>SEN. SPECTER: ‘I APOLOGIZE FOR MY CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENT THE OTHER DAY, WHICH I DID NOT SAY’

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>THE LEFT MOVES TOWARD SANITY, WILL CALM DOWN AND ONLY ‘GO NUTS’ FROM NOW ON

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>SWIFT BOAT VETS ENCOURAGE KERRY TO RUN AGAIN IN ’08

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>MACHINE GUN NEST OPERATOR TOLD TO ‘KEEP IT DOWN’ DURING AFTERNOON PRAYERS AT MOSQUE

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>PROVING MEN’S DESIRE FOR NEW AND UNFAMILIAR WOMEN, BILL CLINTON EYES HILLARY AT LIBRARY OPENING

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>WAL-MART SECURITY COUNCIL FILES RESOLUTION TO BAR SEARS/K-MART MERGER

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>GRILLED CHEESE WITH VIRGIN MARY APPARITION AUCTION ON EBAY REACHES $3 IN BIDDING FRENZY

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>DEMOCRATS TO RE-TOOL PARTY, BEGIN TALKING ABOUT ‘RELIGIOUS STUFF’

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>NEW REALITY HUNTING SHOW THREATENS TO SHOW FOOTAGE OF INNOCENT ANIMALS BEING ‘HARMED’

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>THE LEFT COMES CLEAN ABOUT THEIR CRAZY IDEAS: ‘SURPRISE, AMERICA, YOU’RE ON CANDID CAMERA’

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>OHIO DEMOCRAT IS ASKED TO BE LAST MAN TO DIE FOR KERRY’S CAMPAIGN

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>SHOCKING CLAY AIKEN ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT HIS SEXUAL ORIENTATION TURNS OUT TO JUST BE ABOUT CHARITY GIG

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>GUNSHOTS AT VIBE MUSIC AWARDS WERE ‘IN MOURNING OVER ARAFAT’S DEATH’

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>COLIN POWELL’S LIGHT SKIN TONE RENDERS CONDI FIRST ‘REAL’ BLACK SECRETARY OF STATE

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