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>OBAMA CHANTS ‘DRILL BABY, DRILL" WITH TINA FEY AT RALLY

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>ENCLAVE OF GEORGIANS SHOCKED TO FIND OUT CIVIL WAR IS OVER

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>TOM CRUISE’S MOBILE SCIENTOLOGY TEMPLE FREAKS OUT NEW LEADING LADY

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>RICKY MARTIN CLAIMS TO NOT HAVE BEEN OPENLY-GAY UNTIL NOW

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>GATORADE KEG FULL OF TOMATO SAUCE POURED ON LOSING COACH

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>STONERS FEAR OBAMACARE WEED WONT BE AS GNARLY AS CURRENT STASH

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>INVESTIGATORS REASSEMBLE WOOD-CHIPPERED PIECES OF MAN TO DETERMINE CAUSE OF DEATH

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>NEGLECTED WYOMING GETS SKYPED VISIT FROM PRESIDENT OBAMA

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>OBAMA PUSHES LENDERS TO DO AWAY WITH MORTGAGES AND OTHER ENCUMBRANCES TO HOMEOWNERS

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>AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR SECRETLY DISGUSTED BY ALL OF HER STUDENTS

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>POLL: IGNORANT REPUBLICANS DON’T WANT FREE HEALTHCARE FOR ALL

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>COKE TO INTRODUCE NON-LETHAL VERSION OF ITS FAMOUS COLA

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>TIGER WOODS GRANTS 5 SECOND INTERVIEW TO ESPN

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>KID ROCK ENJOYING INTENTIONAL OVERDOSE

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>UNDER-REGULATED CANDY INDUSTRY ACCUSED OF TARGETTING CHILDREN

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>GOV STUDY: HOMESCHOOLERS DELAYING SEX ED UNTIL ‘TOO LATE’ AGE 6

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>AMERICANS COMPLAIN STUPID HEALTHCARE NEWS INTERFERRING WITH MICHELLE ‘BOMBSHELL’ McGEE COVERAGE

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>HOMELESS SETTLEMENT IN MASTER BEDROOM RUINS HOUSE SALE

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>OBAMA SCOLDS SECRET SERVICE BODYGUARDS FOR NOT JUMPING IN FRONT OF FOXNEWS QUESTIONS

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>LEAK: KUCINICH OFFERED GLIMPSE OF ROSWELL ALIEN FOR HEALTHCARE VOTE

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>CONCLUSIVE REPORT CONFIRMING TUPAC’S DEATH QUESTIONED

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>NANCY PELOSI’S TANKS FLANK HAPLESS HEALTHCARE OPPONENTS

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>DESPERATE DEMS: ‘ANTI-HEALTHCARE BACK-WAXERS WILL ATTACK YOUR GANDPARENTS NEXT’

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>EXPERT: AGING MADONNA WILL INEVITABLY BECOME LESS MANLY

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>DEPT OF LABOR CLAIMS JOB CREATED

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>BARNEY FRANK ETHICS PROBE NOW INCLUDES MISSING SHOWER CURTAINS IN HOUSE GYM

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>TRAVOLTA DITCHES SCIENTOLOGY, LEAVES CRUISE AS ONLY REMAINING NUT

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>HACKER REDIRECT OF NYTIMES.COM TO PRAVDA SITE DOESN’T CONFUSE VISITORS

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>WHITE HOUSE TO PROMOTE GLOBAL WARMING, CITES COLD WEATHER’S RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIGH UNEMPLOYMENT

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>INCREASE IN REPO MEN AND TAX COLLECTORS IMPROVES NATIONAL EMPLOYMENT STATS

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>WHITE HOUSE: UNEMPLOYMENT NUMBERS DISTORTED BY WISHFUL THINKING

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>NEW HEALTHCARE BILL INCLUDES DEATH PANELS FOR ITS CRITICS

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>PRESS BEGINS VETTING FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE JOHN EDWARDS

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>AL GORE RETURNS TO HIDING AFTER ADDRESSING GLOBAL WARMING CRITICS IN PRAVDA OP-ED

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>CELEBRITY BENEFIT CONCERT TO PROVIDE MUCH-NEEDED RELIEF TO U.S. MIDDLE CLASS

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