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>EGYPTIAN VP PROMISES TO FIX NEW ELECTIONS

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>WHITE HOUSE: OBAMA PREPARED TO BOW TO ‘WHOEVER EMERGES AS THE NEW OR EXISTING EGYPTIAN RULER’

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>GROUPON’S NEW 105% OFF DEAL A BIG HIT

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>PIANO ON SANDBAR IS WELCOME DISTRACTION TO EGYPTIAN UNREST, DEATH AND DESTRUCTION

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>AFTER SUPER-LAME PARTY IN HOSPITAL ROOM, CHARLIE SHEEN RUSHED TO HIS HOUSE

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>RAHM EMANUEL’S MOB PALS: ‘LET US TAKE CARE OF THIS CHICAGO THING’

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>MAJORITY OF VIEWERS THOUGHT OF FUNNY PELOSI GAVEL VIDEO DURING BOEHNER INTRODUCTION

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>UNKNOWN CONGRESSMAN HOLD IMPORTANT 3 SECOND SUMMIT WITH OBAMA DURING STATE OF THE UNION WALK-IN

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>TACO BELL SETTLES, WILL CALL TACO FILLING ‘MEATISH SUBSTANCE’

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>BARNEY FRANK DENIED REQUEST TO BRING 14 YR OLD CONGRESSIONAL PAGE TO STATE OF THE UNION DATE NIGHT

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>OBAMA PROMISES 2016 RELEASE OF UNPHOTOSHOPPED BIRTH CERTIFICATE

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>NORTH KOREAN STATE-RUN MEDIA: 24-HR LOOPS OF ‘BEST OF OLBERMANN’ BETTER THAN NO OLBERMANN AT ALL

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>SEXTING FAVRE FALLS INTO MALL FOUNTAIN, BECOMES YOUTUBE SENSATION

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>FBI HOPING TO SURPRISE MORE MOB MEMBERS WITH ARREST TOMORROW

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>HU ASKS TO SIT IN OBAMA THRONE AT STATE DINNER ‘SINCE HE PAID FOR IT’

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>NFL HALTIME COMMENTS DROWNED OUT BY VOLUME OF JIMMIE JOHNSON’S TIE

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>BIN LADEN FOUND MANAGING MIAMI BEACH JUICE & JAVA

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>POLICE DETAIN FOX NEWS, TALK RADIO ON TIP THAT ANOTHER MASSACRE WAS IN WORKS

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>’KENNEDYS’ MINISERIES THREATENS FAMILY’S PRISTINE IMAGE

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>JOHN HINCKLEY JR. STILL TRYING TO IMPRESS JODIE FOSTER WITH NUMBER OF PULLUPS, CRUNCHES

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>JOHN EDWARDS DENIES PROPOSING TO REILLE HUNTER AT ELIZABETH EDWARD’S FUNERAL

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>SOME CELEBRITY DID SOMETHING STUPID THAT EVERYONE WILL PAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION TO, MEDIA REPORTS

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>HUNDREDS OF DEAD OBAMA AGENDA INITIATIVES FOUND ON SENATE FLOOR

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>ORANGE JOHN BOEHNER SWORN IN AS FIRST COLORED SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE

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>WHITE HOUSE STAFF SHAKEUP MIXUP ENDS WITH ACCIDENTAL REPLACEMENT OF OBAMA

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>OBAMA RECEIVES HUGE $1,000 CHECK FROM COUNTRY CLUB FOR 1000TH ROUND OF GOLF

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>DEATH OF THOUSANDS OF BIRDS GIVES ORNITHOLOGICAL ARMAGEDDONITES SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT

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>ILLUMINATED BALL DROPPING PROMPTS EVACUATION OF TIMES SQUARE, SCRAMBLE OF F-18 FIGHTER JETS

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>NEW YEARS’ REVELERS LOOKING FORWARD TO WELCOMING YEAR FILLED WITH LESS DEATH AND DESTRUCTION

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