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>TOMKAT TO UNVEIL SURI CRUISE AT 2008 UFO CONVENTION

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>HAMAS EXTENDS ‘LIQUIDATION OF JEWS FOR PEACE’ DEAL TO ISRAEL

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>U.N. THREATENS HEZBOLLAH WITH 100 SECURITY COUNCIL RESOLUTIONS

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>MICHAEL MOORE: ISRAEL IS GOING TO WAR WITH HEZBOLLAH FOR ITS OIL

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>CONDI RICE TO VISIT MIDEAST, HOLD TALKS WITH MASKED HEZBOLLAH TERRORISTS

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>ARAB LEAGUE: ISRAEL MUST APOLOGIZE FOR HEZBOLLAH ATTACKS ON NORTHERN PALESTINE

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>U.N. URGES HEZBOLLAH TO SHOW RESTRAINT IN AIRING NEW PRO-AMERICAN COKE COMMERCIAL

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>BARBARO DOING ‘MUCH BETTER’ DESPITE APOCALYPSE IN MIDEAST

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>’LOOSE CHANGE 9-11′ PINS HEZBOLLAH ROCKET ATTACKS ON BUSH, CHENEY

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>REPORT: NEW STYLES MAKING IT HARD TO DIFFERENTIATE CELEBRITIES FROM NORMAL UNIMPORTANT PEOPLE

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>MICHAEL MOORE REFUSES TO JOIN CINDY SHEEHAN’S PEACE FAST, CITES ‘OBVIOUS REASONS’

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>BUSH SENDS F-16 WARPLANE OVER CINDY SHEEHAN’S HOUSE AS ‘A WARNING AGAINST FURTHER ATTACKS’

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>CONDI RICE CANCELS SUBSCRIPTION TO NY TIMES ONLINE DATING SERVICE

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>DOZENS OF BILL CLINTON SPEECH ATTENDEES CONTRACT CRABS

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>AL GORE SELF-FULFILLS CRAZY GLOBAL WARMING PROPHECY

>HOT AIR FROM FORMER VEEP MELTS POLAR ICE CAPS

Filed under: Satire

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