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>MYSTERIOUS INCREASE IN ILLEGITIMATE BABIES EXPECTED 9 MONTHS FROM TONIGHT

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>BUSH ESTABLISHES COALITION TO MONITOR U.N. TSUNAMI AID DISTRIBUTION

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>LACK OF DEAD ANIMALS IN WAKE OF TSUNAMI GIVES WEIGHT TO THEORY THAT SOME POSSESS ‘SPIDEY SENSE’

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>U.N. PLEDGES TO DIRECT ‘MOST’ OF TSUNAMI RELIEF AID TO VICTIMS

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>PEPSICO, INC. ATTEMPTS MARKET SHARE GRAB WITH RE-RELEASE OF ‘NEW COKE’

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>O.J. CATCHES REAL KILLER WAVE IN MIAMI DURING FUN-IN-THE-SUN SURF SESSION

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>U.S. INDUSTRIAL IRRESPONSIBILITY BLAMED FOR ASIAN TSUNAMI DISASTER

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>STATE DEPT: U.N. IS BEING ‘STINGY’ WITH DISPLAYS OF LOGIC AND COMMON SENSE

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>DICK MORRIS DECLARES VICTORY IN UKRAINIAN ELECTION, HIRES FOOD TASTER

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>SAUDI ARABIA CELEBRATES 400TH YEAR IN THE DARK AGES

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>EXPERTS: 2005 HURRICANE SEASON WILL BE ‘MUCH CALMER’ WITH ONLY 130 NAMED STORMS

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>ANTI-KERRY WEBSITES SUFFERING FROM UNEXPLAINED SLOWDOWN IN TRAFFIC

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>ACLU: INTOLERANT BIGOTS TRYING TO INSERT JESUS INTO CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY

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>SEAN HANNITY RADIO SHOW TO PLAY ‘BEST OF CLINTON IMPEACHMENT DAYS’ THROUGH HOLIDAYS

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>MAN PLUMMETS TO HIS DEATH FROM TOP OF JOHN HANCOCK BUILDING’S FRONT STEPS

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>KERRY ORDERS STAFF TO CANCEL TIME MAG SUBSCRIPTIONS

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>CHANUKWANZAAMAS TREES TO REPLACE ‘INTOLERANT’ CHRISTMAS TREES ON FEDERAL PROPERTY

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>STATE OF EMERGENCY: FLORIDA SCHOOLS AND GOVERNMENT OFFICES CLOSED AS TEMPERATURES PLUMMET BELOW 60

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>SPAM EMAIL EXPOSES MAN TO SALACIOUSLY EXOTIC WORLD OF MORTGAGE REFINANCING

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>NEW CIALIS COMMERCIAL RECOMMENDS MEDICAL ASSISTANCE FOR ERECTIONS LASTING LONGER THAN 240 HOURS

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>MICHAEL JACKSON ROMANCES 200 KIDS AT NEVERLAND

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>PLASTIC SURGERY GIVES BEAUTY QUEEN ‘HORRIFYING MONSTER-LIKE APPEARANCE WITH NO REFUND’

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>SAN QUENTIN DEATH ROW INMATES LINE UP TO BE MUCH-ADMIRED SCOTT PETERSON MURDERER

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>ACLU WARNS OF HOLIDAY SEASON DANGERS: CARJACKINGS, PICK-POCKETS, AND CHRISTMAS CAROLERS

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>REAL CANDLES USED BY MAN TO DECORATE CHRISTMAS TREE; FUNERAL TO BE HELD ON SATURDAY

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>KOFI ANNAN LEAVES CHARGES OF U.S. HUMAN-RIGHTS ATROCITIES OUT OF PATHETIC PLEA FOR HELP DURNG D.C. TRIP

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>CHEVY CHASE APOLOGIZES FOR BUSH COMMENTS, SAYS HE WAS ‘JUST KIDDING ABOUT THAT MOTHER F—ER’

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>SWIFT BOAT VETERANS FOR TRUTH LAUNCH AD CRITICIZING BIN LADEN’S MILITARY RECORD

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>SAN QUENTIN DEATH ROW INMATE ‘LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING SCOTT PETERSON’S BABY’

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>SENATE TO DEBATE CONTROVERSIAL ‘CHILDREN IN COMBAT’ ISSUE

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>SADDAM STILL HOBBLING AROUND IN CELL, PERFORMING DAILY DUTIES AS ‘PRESIDENT OF IRAQ’

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>SUPERMARKET TABLOID STORY ABOUT TWO-FACED SENATOR TURNS OUT TO BE TRUE

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>U.N. SECRETARY GENERAL ANNAN UNDER FIRE FOR ‘UPHOLDING THE VALUE SYSTEM THE U.N. HAS BECOME INFAMOUSLY KNOWN FOR’

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>MOVEON.ORG PLANTS QUESTION WITH REPORTER TO ASK DNC: ‘YOU KNOW MOVEON OWNS YOU, DON’T YOU?’

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>RUMSFELD PLANTS QUESTION WITH SOLDIER TO ASK MEDIA: ‘WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN HELL-BENT ON DESTROYING OUR EFFORTS IN IRAQ?’

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>RUMSFELD FIELDS TOUGH QUESTIONS FROM WIFE ABOUT ‘LEAVING SOCKS ON THE FLOOR’

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>’HARSH’ NEW LAW LIMITS XBOX PLAYTIME IN FEDERAL PRISONS’ SOLITARY CONFINEMENT CELLS

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>SEN. BIDEN MULLS WHITE HOUSE BID IN ’08; CAMPAIGN WILL FOCUS ON ‘WINNING ISSUES LIKE FAMILY MORALS AND RELIGIOUS STUFF’

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>MARINE LOBS TOUGH QUESTION AT DEMOCRATS: ‘WHY DO WE HAVE TO DIG THROUGH LANDFILLS FOR SCRAPS OF YOUR SUPPORT?’

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>POLICE WALKING BEAT IN LOS ANGELES COMPLAIN TO RUMSFELD THEY ‘DON’T HAVE THE GUNS OUR TROOPS HAVE’

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>’NBA 2K6′ XBOX GAME TO INCLUDE DRINK THROWING GUY

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>SEN. McCAIN THREATENS TO ‘PERSONALLY TAKE THINGS UP WITH BARRY BONDS IN THE PARKING LOT’

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>GROUP BANS SNOWFLAKES FROM HOLIDAY DISPLAYS: THEIR COMPLEXITY MAKES THEORY OF EVOLUTION ‘LOOK BAD’

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>BIDDING FRENZY ERUPTS ON eBAY FOR PLASTIC BAGGY FULL OF AIR

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>SUPERMODEL HEIDI KLUM RELEASES BOOK FOR MEN TO ‘READ’

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>SWAB OF WHACKO JACKO’S MOUTH REVEALS BRAND OF LIPSTICK USED BY FORMER POP STAR

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>POLICE LAUNCH NEW SEARCH OF ‘KIDS AND CAMERAS ONLY’ WING OF JACKSON’S NEVERLAND RANCH

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>HURRICANE FORECASTERS PREDICT FEWER LOOTING OPPORTUNITIES FOR 2005 SEASON

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>QUAGMIRE UNFOLDING AT MICHAEL JACKSON’S NEVERLAND RANCH… DEVELOPING…

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>ISLAMIC SUICIDE BOMBER STRIKES MOSQUE ‘IN THE NAME OF ISLAM’

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