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>TIGER WOODS ACCEPTS SPONSORSHIP OFFER FROM FRANK’S CHICKEN HOUSE

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>PRO-GOVERNMENT SUPPORTERS HOLD RALLY IN HOLY CITY OF D.C.

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>HOMELAND SECURITY RECOMMENDS CONNECTING TO U.S. CITIES VIA TEL AVIV ON EL AL, FOR ‘SAFETY REASONS’

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>AL QUEDA HIJACKERS COMPLAIN OF PROFILING AT U.S. AIRPORTS

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>JANET NAPOLITANO’S BENCH PRESS SESSION INTERRUPTED BY REPORTER’S QUESTION ABOUT AIRLINE TERRORISM

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>NIGERIAN MUSLIM AIRLINE BOMBER NOT RULED OUT AS WHITE SUPREMACIST

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>TIGER WOODS BUYS NEWS MEDIA IN ATTEMPT TO DOWNPLAY TIGER WOODS SCANDAL

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>FRUSTRATED GORE THREATENS TO ‘GO ELIN NORDEGREN’ ON CLIMATE CHANGE CRITIC

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>MICROSOFT QUESTIONED AFTER MILITARY DRONES FOUND TRANSMITTING GOOGLE-QUALITY AERIALS TO BING

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>REPORT: MOVING TRUCK AT WOODS HOME WAS TYLENOL DELIVERY FOR TIGER, AGENT

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>MISCALCULATING TIGER INVITES CROWD OF MISTRESSES ON YACHT TO DISCUSS STRATEGY TO SAVE MARRIAGE

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>RECLUSIVE TIGER WOODS GRANTS FIRST INTERVIEW TO ‘RARELY-WATCHED’ KATIE COURIC

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>REPORT: TIGER WOODS FAKED CHILD NEGLECT CALL, WANTED TO MEET HOT DFC CHICK

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>TIGER WOODS HOLDS CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF SELF OUT DOOR TO TEST INTENSITY OF MEDIA ORGASM

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>TIGER IN HOT WATER WITH NO. 12 FOR TEXTING NO. 9 DURING ‘YOU’RE-MY-ONE-AND-ONLY TIME’

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>DCF WADES THROUGH BROKEN LAMPS AND TROPHIES TO CHECK ON TIGER WOODS’ KIDS

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>MOST AMERICANS RESORTING TO ‘INVESTMENTS’ IN LOTTERY TICKETS

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>TIGER WOODS TO TAKE TEMPORARY BREAK FROM GOLF, CLINTONING CHICKS

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>WHITE HOUSE: OBAMA BOW BEFORE KEITH OLBERMANN WAS ‘OUT OF SIMPLE RESPECT’

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>TIGER CONSIDERS BECOMING MASS MURDERER TO IMPROVE IMAGE

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>OBAMA LATE TO NOBEL PEACE PRIZE CEREMONY; WAS DEPLOYING SOLDIERS TO AFGHANISTAN TO KILL PEOPLE AND BLOW STUFF UP

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>TIGER WOODS SCHEDULES PRESS CONFERENCE TO ‘EXPLAIN ALL’ ON DEC 21, 2012

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>TIGER TO MOTHER-IN-LAW: ‘YOU CAN’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU SEE ON EVERY SINGLE WEBSITE AND NEWS CHANNEL IN THE WORLD’

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>TIGER’S FINANCES IN SHAMBLES; NET WORTH SET TO PLUMMET TO JUST OVER A BILLION

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>ISLEWORTH SECURITY ASKS NATIONAL GUARD FOR HELP CLEARING DIVORCE ATTORNEYS FROM NEIGHBORHOOD GATE

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>SCIENTISTS WARN OF GLOBAL WARMING AND/OR COOLING

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>TOTS SITTING ON PRINTED LIST OF TIGER MISTRESSES TO REACH DINNER TABLE

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>WORLD MARKETS, CONSUMER CONFIDENCE STUMBLE AS NEW MOON DROPS FROM TOP SPOT

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>WOMAN STEPS FORWARD, CLAIMS TO HAVE AVOIDED BECOMING TIGER MISTRESS

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>PUBLICITY-STARVED J. LO CLAIMS TIGER WOODS AFFAIR

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>WEB SATIRISTS MENTIONING KEYPHRASE ‘RACHEL UCHITEL’ TO SCROUNGE FOR WEB HITS

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>NEW HUMONGOUS CUSHIONY FRONT BUMPER ALLOWS FOR TEXTING WHILE DRIVING

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>TIGER HECKLERS BEGIN CARB-LOADING TO PREP FOR WOODS’ COMEBACK MATCH

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>TIGER BANISHED TO 25,000 SQ FT DOG HOUSE

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>AFTER DIAMOND BOULDER RING FOR WIFE, $164 CITATION THREATENS TO BANKRUPT TIGER

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>TAREQ AND MICHAELE SALAHI ADVISE INVESTIGATORS ON GAINING ACCESS TO TIGER WOODS COMPOUND

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>PESKY INVESTIGATOR BECOMES FOURSQUARE MAYOR OF TIGER WOODS’ SECURITY GATE

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