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>INDIA ENDS PLAN TO COLONIZE MARS AFTER WICK ON WOODEN ROCKET FAILS TO IGNITE

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>PROPOSED 110% TAX ON TOP INCOME EARNERS RUFFLES RICH FEATHERS

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>PACE AND FLAVOR OF OBAMA INITIATIVES MAKING SATIRE IRRELEVANT

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>BILL O’REILLY AND BARNEY FRANK CANCEL CAMPING TRIP TOGETHER DUE TO ASTRONOMICALLY HIGH LEVEL OF EXTREME MUTUAL HATRED

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>OBAMA RELAXES INTERROGATION RULES, WILL ALLOW DETAINEES TO TORTURE

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>OBAMA COMMITS ADDITIONAL 5K TROOPS TO COMBAT RUSH LIMBAUGH SHOW

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>NATION DISTRACTED FROM PENDING APOCALYPSE BY MICHELLE OBAMA’S LEGS

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>POLITICIANS TO BE PROTECTED FROM NAZI PROTESTERS WITH NEW ‘TOWN HALLS BY TEXT MESSAGING’ FORMAT

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>OBAMA ASKS CLINTON TO EXPLAIN ‘HILLARY 2012’ BUMPER STICKERS SPILLING FROM HER BRIEF CASE

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>MAN TOTES M1A1 ABRAMS TANK TO TOWN HALL MEETING

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>OBAMA DROPS PUBLIC DEATH CAMPS FROM HEALTHCARE PROPOSAL

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>Y.E. YANG WINS KLCI 106.1 FM RADIO CONTEST FOR SPOT AT PGA CHAMPIONSHIP, BEATS TIGER

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>WEATHER CHANNEL PLANS HOUR-LONG ‘ANA: THE STORM THAT MAY OR MAY NOT ANNIHILATE FLORIDA AND KILL MANY’

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>MICHAEL VICK APOLOGIZES FOR FREUDIAN ‘I’LL KILL YOU DOG’ SMACK-TALK TO OPPOSING TEAM MEMBER

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>40 YEARS AFTER WOODSTOCK, ATTENDEES STRUGGLE TO REMEMBER MUSIC FESTIVAL

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>JOHN EDWARDS ADMITS TO CLINTONING MISTRESS, FATHERING CHILD

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>JOHN EDWARDS ADMITS TO CLINTONING MISTRESS, FATHERING CHILD

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>EMBARRASSED GEORGE HAMILTON TURNS ORANGEY-RED

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>REPORT: 7 OF 10 CARS CURRENTLY ON SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA HIGHWAYS ARE BEING CHASED BY COPS

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>GOP PAYS RECORD SALARY, BENEFITS, AND 401K TO TOWN HALL RABBLE-ROUSER

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>NAZI MOBSTERS BRUTALLY ATTACK CONGRESSMAN WITH VISCIOUS REQUEST TO RECONSIDER HEALTHCARE VOTE

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>PELOSI: RADICAL UN-AMERICAN TERRORISTS ARE ATTEMPTING TO QUESTION CONGRESS IN TOWN HALLS

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>WHITE HOUSE REVISES OUTLOOK: ECONOMY ‘NOT NEARLY AS GOOD AS OUR WORST-CASE SCENARIOS’

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>CELEBS STOCKPILE ‘PICK-ME-UPS’ AND ‘TAKE-ME-DOWNS’ IN ADVANCE OF MJ AUTOPSY RESULTS

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>AUTO DEALER DENIES AREA MAN’S ‘CASH FOR CLUNKER WIFE’ REQUEST

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>WHITE HOUSE: PROTESTS AGAINST HEALTHCARE BILL PROVES ‘JUST HOW MANY SICK PEOPLE ARE OUT THERE’

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>RUSSIAN SUBS LURKING IN NYC SEWER SYSTEM ‘TOOK WRONG TURN’ DURING ATLANTIC TRAINING EXCERCISE

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>OBAMA SHARES BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION WITH 146 YR OLD HELEN THOMAS

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>FREED FEMALE JOURNALISTS REQUEST CHAPERONE FOR CLINTON MEETING

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>KIM JONG IL ADVISORS WARN OF PUBLIC BACKLASH AFTER ‘ASSOCIATING WITH THE LIKES OF BILL CLINTON’

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>OBAMA DEFENDS ‘SPENDING MONEY TO SAVE MONEY’, CITES PONZI, MADOFF, BOOKIE BEHIND 7-11 DUMPSTER

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>JON & KATE BEER SUMMIT ENDS IN SCREAM CONTEST, BROKEN BOTTLES AND A BLACK EYE

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