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>POPE’S RELATIVES ALREADY QUARRELLING OVER POPEMOBILE INHERITANCE

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>THREAT OF ‘MUTUALLY ASSURED DISSATISFACTION’ LOOMS FOR J-LO AND LATEST HUSBAND

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>POPE STILL CLINGING TO LEADERSHIP OF WORLDWIDE CATHOLIC CHURCH DESPITE INABILITY TO TALK, SEE, BREATHE, LEAD

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>WILLIE NELSON BLAMES POOR RECORD SALES ON POOR DENNIS KUCINICH

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>AL GORE LEAVES UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA PROFESSORSHIP TO MANAGE BLUTH’S FROZEN BANANA STAND

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>DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION SECURITY COUNCIL TO PONDER PUNISHMENT FOR RUBBER BAND WEAPON BOY

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>WARD CHURCHILL TO LEAD ‘PEACE PARADE’ CALLING FOR THERMONUCLEAR ANNIHILATION OF THE WORLD

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>IRAN, NORTH KOREA AGREE U.S., RUSSIA SHOULD NOT HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS

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>VATICAN ISSUES DECREE BANNING POPE JOKES ‘UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE’

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>EXTRATERRESTRIALS RELISH ‘MAINSTREAM MEDIA ATTENTION’ AFTER PETER JENNINGS UFO SPECIAL

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>DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION SECURITY COUNCIL TO VOTE ON PUNISHMENT FOR RUBBER BAND WEAPON BOY

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>VATICAN ISSUES DECREE BANNING POPE JOKES ‘UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE’

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>AMERICANS DISTRAUGHT, PANIC-STRICKEN OVER QUEEN’S DECISION TO NOT ATTEND CHARLES’ WEDDING

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>IRAN, NORTH KOREA AGREE U.S., RUSSIA SHOULD NOT HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS

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>AMERICANS DISTRAUGHT, PANIC-STRICKENED OVER QUEEN’S DECISION TO NOT ATTEND PRINCE CHARLES’ WEDDING

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>REMBRANDT’S LAZY EYE DISCOVERY THREATENS TO DEVALUE PREVIOUSLY PRICELESS ART

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>’AIR AMERICA’ SOUNDBOARD GUY GETS RAISE: PACKET OF KETCHUP ADDED TO BI-WEEKLY REAM OF PRINTER PAPER

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>NASA ORGASMS AT DISCOVERY OF MOLECULAR-SIZED LIFEFORM IN FOOTPRINT ON MARS

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>TSUNAMI AID TOUR CLIMAXES IN CLINTON BOOK SIGNING EVENT

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>FIDEL CASTRO EMBARKS ON ‘FENCE MENDING TRIP’ TO U.S., CUBA

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>MISSILE DEFENSE SYSTEM CONSIDERED FOR FLORIDA COAST AS THREAT FROM BAHAMAS LOOMS

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>’TOM DASCHLE’ REMOVED FROM OFFICIAL COMPILATION OF HOUSEHOLD NAMES

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>MOTEL 6 ‘NEAR’ VEGAS STRIP LOSES BID TO HOST NEW CIRQUE DU SOLEIL SHOW

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>GORE, KERRY LAMENT LACK OF ASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS ON THEIR LIVES

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>CANSECO FINGERS SEN. KENNEDY FOR INJECTING ‘UNGODLY AMOUNTS OF NOURISHMENT’

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>RUSH LIMBAUGH KEEPS EGO IN CHECK DURING TROOP VISIT

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>MALE DEMOCRAT SENATORS HILLARY CLINTON AND JOHN MCCAIN TRAVEL TO IRAQ

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>BUSH SECRETLY TAPES CBS EVENING NEWS, THREATENS TO ‘SHOW IT TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE’

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>’OBSCENE HOME MAKEOVER’ BUILDS $20 MILLION MEGAMANSION FOR FORMER DOT-COM MILLIONAIRE

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>FOUL-MOUTHED COMEDIAN CHRIS ROCK BRACES FOR ‘F-WORD’ BARRAGE FROM OSCAR CROWD

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>JEFF GORDON WIN OVER DALE JR. AT DAYTONA 500 THREATENS TO RE-IGNITE TENSIONS BETWEEN HATFIELDS AND McCOYS

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>NHL HOCKEY SEASON REPORTEDLY ‘UNDER WAY’ BEFORE BEING CANCELED

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>EXPERT: IRAN 1 YEAR, 4 MONTHS, 13 DAYS, 4 HOURS AWAY FROM FIRST NUCLEAR BOMB

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>WHACKO JACKO TRIAL: BUBBLES THE CHIMP CALLED TO ‘VOUCH FOR MICHAEL’S NORMALITY’

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>INTERNAL DNC PANEL ENDS ELECTION INVESTIGATION, BLAMES KERRY LOSS ON BUSH

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>REALITY RESEMBLES SATIRE: BILL CLINTON WINS GRAMMY FOR READING HIS OWN BOOK OUT LOUD

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>REALITY RESEMBLES SATIRE: BILL CLINTON WINS GRAMMY FOR READING HIS OWN BOOK OUT LOUD

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>PRINCE CHARLES’ MARRIAGE TO LONG-TIME LIVE-IN FORNICATOR SET TO ROCK ENGLISH TABLOID INDUSTRY

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>PRINCE CHARLES WEDDING THREATENS TO SEND ENGLAND INTO ‘FRENZIED STATE OF TABLOIDING’

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>INTERNAL DNC PANEL ENDS ELECTION INVESTIGATION, BLAMES KERRY LOSS ON BUSH

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>PRINCE CHARLES WEDDING THREATENS TO SEND ENGLAND INTO ‘TABLOID EXPLOSION’

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>COREY FELDMAN CHARGED WITH MOLESTING MICHAEL JACKSON

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>PALESTINIAN SUICIDE BOMBERS REJECT ABBAS CEASE-FIRE OFFER

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>STATE OF UNION: DEMOCRATS SUPPRESS ‘TRUE COLORS’ BY FORCING SELVES TO STAND, APPLAUD

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>CAPTIVE TOY SOLDIER’S BROTHER TO SIT WITH LAURA BUSH AT STATE OF UNION

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>DEMOCRATS BLAME BUSH FOR STATE OF UNION SPEECH

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>PAT CADDELL: ‘THE CAPTURE OF HOWARD DEAN WILL MAKE THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY SAFER’

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