Prevent Truth Decay

The Funny Side of Horribly Depressing News

>CONSUMERS TAPPING EQUITY IN FULL GAS TANKS TO FINANCE BIG-TICKET LUXURY ITEMS, CONSOLIDATE DEBT

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>LARGE-SCREEN TVS PROVE ‘DIFFICULT’ FOR LOOTERS IN SHOULDER-DEEP WATER

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>CELEBRITY REPORTERS SEEK REFUGE FROM ‘FRIGHTENING’ COMMONERS, REQUEST ACCESS TO SKYBOX AT SUPERDOME

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>TICKETED SHARPTON ALLEGES HIS CAR COULD ‘NOT POSSIBLY TRAVEL THAT FAST WITH SUCH A LOAD AS ME IN IT’

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>RADICAL REPUBLICANS BLAME HURRICANE KATRINA FOR STORM DAMAGE IN GULF COAST STATES

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>CINDY SHEEHAN PLANS TRAVEL TO MAINE TO PROTEST BLUE ANGELS, LACK OF HUMAN RIGHTS FOR UNICORNS

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>BILOXI RESIDENT SHOCKED THAT FORD ESCORT CAN’T MAKE IT THROUGH 7 FOOT-HIGH INTERSECTION FLOOD

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>SEN. KENNEDY ADDS HURRICANE KATRINA, SUGE KNIGHT SHOOTING TO ‘LIST OF BUSH’S QUAGMIRES’

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>NEW ORLEANS CHILDREN ENJOY DAY OFF FROM SCHOOL WITH DOWNSIDE OF ARMAGEDDON-SIZED DISASTER

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>DNC MULLS GIVING KIM JONG IL SEAT NEXT TO JIMMY CARTER AT 2008 CONVENTION

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>CINDY SHEEHAN RECEIVES ‘ROCK STAR’ WELCOME AT AUSTIN-BASED SEAN PENN FAN CLUB GATHERING

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>MINUTEMEN OPPONENTS PROPOSE PLUGGING HOLES IN U.S. BORDER WITH ‘BUBBLE GUM AND STICKY TAC’

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>SEN. HAGEL (D-NEB): ‘IF I HAD BEEN TOLD WE WERE TRYING TO WIN THE WAR, I WOULDN’T HAVE VOTED FOR IT’

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>U.S. SECURITY FENCE PROPOSED TO PROVIDE PROTECTION FROM GOOGLE

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>MEDIA ORGANIZATIONS COVERING WOMAN HOLDING VIGIL TO SUPPORT BUSH INCLUDE ELKS CLUB NEWS, AUTO TRADER

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>UNFORTUNATE MARKET TIMING PLAGUES GASOLINE-POWERED CLOCK RADIOS

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>DON KING ANGLES FOR RIGHTS TO BROADCAST BUSH – SHEEHAN MEETING

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>MADONNA FALLS OFF HIGH HORSE, COMES BACK TO EARTH FOR A MOMENT

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>EXXON ENTERS BID TO EXPLORE VAST EXPANSE OF SEN. KENNEDY FOR OIL RESERVES

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>PUBLIC SCHOOLS CONSIDER ALLOWING STUDENTS TO DISCIPLINE TEACHERS

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>GAS PRICE INCREASE SLOWS TO 18 CENTS PER DAY

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>SEN. KERRY TO COALITION FOR OHIO RECOUNT: ‘PLEASE STOP, I’VE BEEN EMBARRASSED ENOUGH ALREADY’

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>BUSH AGREES TO MEET CINDY SHEEHAN ‘IN A DARK ALLEY’

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>CINDY SHEEHAN NEWS ECLIPSES POPE FUNERAL COVERAGE

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>McDONALD’S TO DISTRIBUTE GOLDEN ‘WILLY WONKA’ TICKETS IN CHEESEBURGERS FOR TOUR OF RENDERING PLANT

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>CARBONATED MILK MEETS CONSUMER REACTION SIMILAR TO TURKEY AND GRAVY FLAVORED SODA

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>MANVILLE, NJ’S FRANK’S CHICKEN HUT TO CHALLENGE GOODYEAR’S STRANGLEHOLD ON BLIMP ADVERTISING

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>ALAN COLMES ADMITS TO FEELING ‘UNDER-RESPECTED’ ON FOXNEWS HIT SHOW ‘SEAN & HANNITY’

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>EXPERT: TICKET SALES FOR DUKES OF HAZARD BOX OFFICE FLOP REFLECT ‘DEMOCRATIC INFLUENCE ON COUNTRY’

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>CONGRESSIONAL INSURGENCY DEMANDS BUSH ANNOUNCE IRAQ PULL-OUT DATE

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>U.N. NUCLEAR WATCHDOG AGENCY ADOPTS RESOLUTION ASKING IRAN IF ‘IT WOULDN’T MIND’ HALTING NUKE BLITZ

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>’CHATTANOOGA CONSERVATIVES’ EXPANSION TEAM CRITICIZED FOR ‘EVIL AND BIGOTED’ NAME

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>EXPERT: ‘HURRICANE IRENE MAY, I REPEAT MAY, CAUSE BILLIONS IN DAMAGE AND WIDESPREAD PANDEMONIUM’

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>INSURANCE ADJUSTER CLAIMS DAMAGE TO SHUTTLE WAS RESULT OF DRIVER ERROR

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>MICK JAGGER CRACKS OPEN COFFIN DOOR TO ISSUE ATTACK ON PRESIDENT BEFORE RETURNING ‘TO REST’

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>MISSING GRETA VAN SUSTEREN FOUND COVERING NATALEE HOLLOWAY CASE IN ARUBA

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>NY TIMES UNCOVERS ‘DISTURBING’ JOHN ROBERTS POOL PEE EPISODE AT AGE 7

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>STATE DEPARTMENT ON FIJIAN NUKE THREAT: ‘MOSTLY CUTE, BUT WE’LL KEEP AN EYE ON THEM’

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>DICK CHENEY MULLS RUN FOR THE WHITE HOUSE ‘FOR HELEN THOMAS’ SAKE’

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>’ACCIDENTAL INGESTION’ OF PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING STEROIDS MORE WIDESPREAD THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT

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>BUSH TO TAKE BREAK FROM CRAWFORD RANCH, WILL VACATION AT WHITE HOUSE FOR A WEEK

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>SHUTTLE REPAIR UNDERWAY: ASTRONAUTS AVOID LOOKING AT FRAGILE TILES ‘THE WRONG WAY’

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>CHINA ENDS PURSUIT OF UNOCAL, WILL MAKE BID FOR PENTAGON

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>ATTACK ON BUSH’S WORKOUT REGIMEN NOT WORKING, DEMS SET OUT TO REVITALIZE ‘GORE WON’ ARGUMENT

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>CHILDREN RUNNING ‘DANGEROUSLY LOW ON CONDOMS’ SAVED BY FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

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>DEMS ATTEMPT NEW ANGLE IN BUSH ATTACKS, SAY PRESIDENT ‘IS TOO HEALTHY’

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>SEN. EVAN BAYH PLANS TO RUN FOR PRESIDENCY ‘AS A LIBERAL ZELL MILLER REPUBLICAN’

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>RAFAEL PALMEIRO: ‘I WAS WONDERING WHY INJECTING FLAX SEED OIL WOULD TURN ME INTO A RAGING MONSTER’

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>KING FAHD DIES AT AGE 82 OR 84; ARABS TAKE TO STREET TO BURN AMERICAN FLAGS, OF COURSE

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>BUSH TO NAME BOLTON TO U.N. POST, DESPITE STARTLING OPPOSITION FROM DEMOCRATS

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