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DENNIS KUCINICH FORMS EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE TO SNEAK INTO AREA 51

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TRUMP MOVES ON, PUSHES OBAMA TO RELEASE IDENTITY OF ‘AUDACITY OF HOPE’ AUTHOR

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SHODDY PHOTOSHOPPING ON BIRTH DOC PROMPTS OBAMA TO QUESTION PLACE OF BIRTH

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BIRTHERS QUESTION ‘MADE IN CHINA’ STAMP ON OBAMA BIRTH DOCUMENT

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HUGH HEFNER SET TO MARRY SOME SOON-TO-BE-DIVORCED-OR-WIDOWED HOTTIE

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WHITE HOUSE GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT RELEASES OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE

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POLL: MOST AMERICANS ABLE TO AFFORD TO FILL UP ONLY ENOUGH TO GET TO NEXT GAS STATION

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PRESIDENT CARTER RETURNING HOME TO NORTH KOREA

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DENNIS KUCINICH MULLING PRESIDENTIAL BID TO OPPOSE ‘RIGHT-WINGER’ OBAMA

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NEW McDONALD’S MENU INCLUDES BULLET PROOF VESTS, PEPPER SPRAY

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OBAMA CLOSES GUANTANAMO BAY DETENTION CAMP BALL PIT, BOUNCE HOUSE

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NATION’S CHILDREN EXPERIENCING ANNUAL HOLLOW CHOCOLATE BUNNY DISAPPOINTMENT

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LADY GAGA-MADONNA CAT FIGHT FORETOLD BY NOSTRADAMUS

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MIDDLE CLASS INVESTOR PLUNGES TENS OF DOLLARS INTO GOLD DUST SPECK

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UNEMPLOYED IDIOT THINKS iPAD PURCHASE WILL HELP HIM LAND JOB

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MAGIC SNAKE OIL TONIC MAKING A HUGE COMEBACK AS POPULATION APPROACHES EXTREME IGNORANCE

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TRUMP TO OFFER ‘HALF-OFF RENT FOR YOUR VOTE’ DEAL TO TENANTS OF TRUMP BUILDINGS

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HILLARY CLINTON TAPS CIA TO ACCESS BILL’S iPHONE TRACKER MAP

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SCHOOL REGRETS NOT BANNING DANGEROUS SPORT AFTER GIRL DIES IN HOPSCOTCH DISASTER

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NEW HOMELAND SECURITY TERROR ALERTS INCLUDE ‘UNDER ATTACK’ AND ‘SUCCESSFUL ATTACK COMPLETE’

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TIME TRAVELER: TRUMP RULING IN NINTH TERM FROM WHITE HOUSE’S 35TH FLOOR PENTHOUSE

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OBAMA’S APPROVAL RATING JUMPS TO 48% AMONG IMMEDIATE FAMILY

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SEN. SCHUMER SINGLE-HANDEDLY MOVES SPACE SHUTTLE TO NYC ON HOMEMADE TRAILER

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DOW PLUNGES ON FEARS OVER MAJOR CONCERNS

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OBAMA ANNOUNCES INTENTION TO BATTLE BIRTHERS’ CLAIMS IN 2012

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DEMS PROPOSE ‘GOVERNMENT GROUPON’, WILL OFFER HALF-OFF U.S. MILITARY SPENDING

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NASCAR TO BREAK UP MONOTONY WITH NEW SQUARE RACE TRACK

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ECHELON ALMOST CAUGHT UP ON MONITORING GLOBAL COMMUNICATIONS; JUST COMPLETED STACK OF 2009 EMAILS

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NASA PREPARING TO COMMEMORATE ALLEGED MOON LANDING

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CATHERINE ZETA-JONES’ BIPOLAR DISORDER NEWS FAILS TO PHASE NATION’S MALE POPULATION

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BIRTHERS RESENT BEING ‘LUMPED IN’ WITH RACIST SENS. BYRD, REID, CLINTON, ET AL.

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TRUMP: ‘I WILL NOT BE THE WORST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY’

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GUESTS ARRIVING AT WHITE HOUSE FOR STRING OF TAX DAY GALAS

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PRESIDENT OBAMA REFORMS IMMIGRATION, GRANTS SELF AMNESTY, CITIZENSHIP

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MITT ROMNEY PRESIDENTIAL EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE DISCOVERS LOST MAYAN CITY

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‘TYPICAL AMERICAN DIET’ NOW INCLUDES BIG N’ TASTY TRIPLE CHEESEBURGER WITH JALEPENOS AND EXTRA MAYO

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RETAIL SUPERPOWERS MEET OVER EXTREME-COUPONING CRISIS

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FAA TO CONSIDER ‘NO SLEEPING’ POLICY FOR ON-DUTY AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS

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OBAMA’S ‘SHIFT TO THE CENTER’ TO INCLUDE PRODUCTION OF BIRTH CERTIFICATE

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STOCKS DIVE ON MIDEAST UNREST, GLENN BECK MONOLOGUE FEARS

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NASA SET TO ANNOUNCE BURIAL ARRANGEMENTS FOR SPACE SHUTTLE

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HOMELESS GUY WALKING PAST CBS HEADQUARTERS TAPPED TO ANCHOR ‘EVENING NEWS’

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SEN. BOEHNER TO PUSH FOR ANOTHER $18 IN BUDGET CUTS

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U.S. TAXPAYERS ENCOURAGED AFTER CONGRESS COMMITS $75.48 TO PURCHASE OF DAVE RAMSEY ‘FINANCIAL PEACE’ DVDS

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TIGER REFLECTS ON CHALLENGES OF AUGUSTA AND LEGACY BEING TORCHED IN INFERNO OF PERKINS WAITRESSES AND HOOKERS

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BUDDHA NOT ANSWERING TIGER’S PRAYER THAT MASTERS’ LEADERS START PLAYING CRAPPY

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GODADDY.COM LOSES PETA.ORG DOMAIN REGISTRATION AFTER BRUTAL ELEPHANT SLAYING

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AMERICANS ANXIOUSLY AWAITING GOV SHUTDOWN SO THEY CAN GET ON WITH REBUILDING LIVES

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POLL: MAJORITY OF OBAMA VOTERS THINK GEORGE W. BUSH OR HILLARY CLINTON IS ‘STILL THE PRESIDENT’

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TRUMP NOW LEADS GOP HOPEFULS AFTER SUCCESSFUL TRIP TO LIBYA TO OUST QADDAFI

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