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>OBAMA INSISTS ‘I WON’ TO GOP LAWMAKERS OPPOSING OBAMA LOGO ON REDESIGNED AMERICAN FLAG

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>SUBWAY RESPONDS TO DECREASED CONSUMER SPENDING WITH $1 FIVE-FOOT-LONGS

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>BLAGO STATE SENATE PLEA INCLUDES WEIRD, BUT NOT SURPRISING DISAPPEARING HANDKERCHIEF TRICK

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>’A BILLION OR SO’ EARMARKED TO BAIL OUT FAILED ‘TRILLION OR SO’ BANK BAILOUT PROGRAM

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>OBAMA REQUESTS SUMMARY OF RUSH LIMBAUGH RADIO PROGRAM BE INCLUDED IN DAILY THREAT ASSESSMENT

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>OBAMA TO RESTORE ‘THE ENTIRETY OF CIVIL LIBERTIES REMOVED BY BUSH’, WILL NOW ALLOW NAIL CLIPPERS ON PLANES

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>FROSTBITE SENDS AL GORE TO ARIZONA HOSPITAL, GLOBAL WARMING SPEECH CANCELLED

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>BLAGO CONTINUES MEDIA BLITZ, WILL NEXT APPEAR ON JERRY SPRINGER AND AMERICA’S MOST WANTED

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>AMERICANS TURN TO STEVEN KING NOVELS, HORROR MOVIES TO BUOY SPIRITS IN MIDST OF CRUMBLING ECONOMY

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>RELEASED GITMO DETAINEE BECOMES AL QUEDA COMMANDER, ASPIRES TO U.S. PRESIDENCY

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>OBAMA BRISTLES AT MEDIA ‘PESTERING ME WITH QUESTIONS’

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>OBAMA PARDONS CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS, TRASH-DROPPING ATTENDEES FOR INAUGURAL MISDEEDS

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>OBAMA TO CLOSE GITMO, RELEASE DETAINEES INTO THE WILD

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>CAROLINE KENNEDY DROPS SENATE BID; SAYS ‘IT’S FOR, YOU KNOW…PERSONAL, YOU KNOW…REASONS’

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>SECRET SERVICE: HILLARY CLINTON KEEPS ASKING ABOUT SECURITY DETAILS OF THOSE BEFORE HER IN PRESIDENTIAL LINE OF SUCCESSION

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>FLORIDIANS REPORT ENCOUNTERING ‘COLD GLASS THAT BREAKS EASILY AND MELTS WHEN WARMED’

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>MICHAEL JACKSON LOSES TWO MORE BODY PARTS

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>GEORGE BUSH AT NEW TEXAS HOME, GETTING CAUGHT UP ON SEASON 4 OF ‘LOST’

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>UNSUSPECTING OBAMA HALFWAY THROUGH TWELVE HOUR PARADE PRANK

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>CNN: ‘YOUNG, ENERGETIC AND ANGELIC’ OBAMA CURRENTLY STANDING, WAVING

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>SEN. HILLARY CLINTON FORMERLY CONCEDES DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION TO OBAMA, CLOSES REMAINING CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTER

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>CNN VOWS TO ‘AVOID SOILING THE SPIRIT OF THE DAY’, REMOVES DOW TICKER FROM HOMEPAGE

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>NATION APPARENTLY STILL TRYING TO GRASP CONCEPT OF MINORITY IN HIGH LEADERSHIP POSITION

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>MILLIONS DISMAYED AFTER OBAMA PRESIDENCY FAILS TO BRING HOPE, ANY CHANGE

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>BIDEN LIMITS GAFFES TO 7 DURING INAUGURATION CEREMONY

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>BIDEN RUINS MOMENT BY LETTING ‘THIS ALL SHOULD BE FOR ME’ SLIP IN FRONT OF OBAMA

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>MILLIONS IN D.C. TO WISH BUSH A PEACEFUL, HEALTHY, AND MUCH-DESERVED RETIREMENT

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>D.C. BRACES FOR HISTORIC INAUGURATION OF ‘ONE OF ONLY SEVERAL’ HALF-WHITE PRESIDENTS

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>COMMEMORATIVE COIN FEATUES OBAMA’S ALLEGED BIRTH STATE HAWAII

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>D.C. CROWDS, CHRIS MATTHEWS APPROACHING ORGASMIC CLIMAX IN ANTICIPATION OF OBAMA INAUGURATION

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>OBAMA NIXES PLAN TO ENTER INAUGURAL STAGE BY ‘DESCENDING FROM HEAVEN WITH A SHOUT’

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>ORLANDO PUMMELED BY 55 DEGREE WINDCHILL

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>FEDS TOSS BANK OF AMERICA ANOTHER BAZILLION DOLLARS

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>NBC RESCINDS HUDSON RIVER PILOT’S ‘HERO’ STATUS AFTER CRAZY PRO-BUSH COMMENT

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>OBAMA TO REMOVE TROOPS FROM IRAQ, AFGHANISTAN, AND U.S. TRAINING CAMPS

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>AL SHARPTON RUSHES TO HUDSON CRASH SITE, JUMPS IN WATER FOR TV COVERAGE OPPORTUNITY

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>OBAMA CONSIDERS SWAPPING CIA DIRECTOR-SELECT PANETTA WITH ‘TOUGHER, MORE MANLY’ MICHAEL JACKSON

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>APPLE FOUNDER STEVE WOZNIAK STEPPING DOWN FROM DAY-TO-DAY OPERATIONS OF SILICON VALLEY 7-11

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>DOW JUMPS UP TO ONLY DOWN SEVERAL HUNDRED

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>OBAMA LANDS 78TH TIME MAGAZINE COVER

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>BACKGROUND NOISE ANALYSIS INDICATES BIN LADEN AUDIO WAS TAPED AT KABUL’S CHUCK E. CHEESE

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>OBAMA TO CLOSE ‘INHUMANE’ GITMO, MOVE DETAINEES TO RIKERS ISLAND GENERAL POPULATION

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>BAILOUT FUNDS OVERSIGHT AGENCY RUNS OUT OF MONEY

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>OBAMA CITES NEED TO DELAY CAMPAIGN PROMISES ‘HOPE’, ‘CHANGE’, AND ‘YES WE CAN’

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>BERNIE MADOFF DENIED COMFORTS OF PRISON, WILL CONTINUE SUFFERING IN $7 MILLION NYC PENTHOUSE

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>OBAMA: ECONOMY MAY ‘GET SO BAD, THE END OF THE WORLD MAY OCCUR WITHOUT NOTICE’

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>OBAMA ASKS FOR ‘LOOSE CHANGE FROM UNDER ALL AMERICAN COUCH CUSHIONS’ TO FUND $2 TRILLION STIMULUS PACKAGE

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>CHRYSLER SELLS CAR

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>TRAINING WHEELS BEING FITTED ON CIA FOR DIRECTOR-SELECT PANETTA

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>COVERAGE OF OPRAH WEIGHT BATTLES ECLIPSING NEWS OF ISRAELI-HAMAS WAR

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