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JEB BUSH QUARANTINED OVER ITCH TO RUN FOR PRESIDENCY

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OBAMA IN NORMANDY TO CELEBRATE 70TH ANNIVERSARY OF NAZI ATTEMPT TO FIGHT OFF ALLIED INVADERS

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TERRORISTS ATTENDING SOCHI OLYMPICS ASKED TO ASSIST WITH MOLD CLEANUP

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SOCHI ATHLETES ADVISED TO EAT, SHOWER IN NEIGHBORING NORTH KOREA

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SOCHI OFFICIALS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHERE TO HOLD OPENING CEREMONIES TONIGHT

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TERRORISTS CANCEL SOCHI BOMBING PLANS, CITE CONCERNS OVER MOLD, LICE

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AMERICAN ATHLETES IN SOCHI TRAINING FOR HOTEL ROOM MOLD REMEDIATION

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PUTIN ANNOUNCES GOLD MEDAL WINNERS IN 2014 SOCHI OLYMPICS

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SHEILA JACKSON LEE CAMPING OUT IN AISLE SEAT FOR NEXT YEAR’S STATE OF THE UNION

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OBAMA VOWS TO USE PEN, PHONE, OR SWORD TO PUSH AGENDA

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DE BLASIO URGES ALL NEW YORKERS TO ALL FILE FOR UNEMPLOYMENT IN ADVANCE OF MEGASTORM

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OBAMA HOPES IPHONE 6 ANNOUNCEMENT IN TONIGHT’S SPEECH DIVERTS FROM SYRIAN WAR STUMBLEAGE

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FRUSTRATED JAY CARNEY SCREAMS ‘HE IS NOT A CROOK!’ AT WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE

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TSARNAEV BROTHERS’ MOM: SONS THOUGHT COPS WERE THE BOMBERS, ATTACKED THEM WITH EXPLOSIVES TO DEFEND BOSTON

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DEMOCRATS PUSH FOR LIMITS ON HIGH-CAPACITY ASSAULT FERTILIZER PLANTS

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WHITE HOUSE LIMITS SECRET SERVICE DEATIL TO 7 ROUND MAGS, TO HIRE 27 MORE AGENTS TO OFFSET LOSS OF FIREPOWER

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PUTIN REVIVES MEDAL OF LENIN, NAMES OBAMA FIRST RECIPIENT FOR “NO PARTICULAR REASON”

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KIM JONG UN: LEGO ROCKET DIDN’T PERFORM AS DEPICTED ON BOX

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OBAMA WH PREPARES FOR ‘JOHNNY WALKER’ SUMMIT WITH KIM JONG-UN

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CA PROPOSES EXHALATION TAX WHILE CITIZENS HOLD THEIR BREATH

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CHICAGO VOTERS THREATEN REVOLT, MAYOR DOUBLES SECURITY AT CEMETERIES

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CHINA REBUFFS CA, WILL NOT ADMIT TO PRC AS NEW PROVINCE

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FIRST FAMILY SPONSORS “PICK OUR NEXT VACATION” CONTEST – WINNER TO RECEIVE $25 WAL*MART GIFT CARD

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OBAMA GAINS ON NOBEL ECONOMICS PRIZE FOR WORK ON POVERTY REDISTRIBUTION

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NORTH KOREAN PAPER MACHE ROCKET REACHES FAR SIDE OF LAUNCH PLATFORM IN ATTEMPTED ANNIHILATION OF U.S.

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PRESIDENTIAL LIMO REPO’ED IN ISRAEL AFTER CAR LOAN CHECK BOUNCES

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CARNIVAL REPORTS ONLY THREE CARNIVAL CRUISE SHIPS SUNK TODAY

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OBAMA OUTLINES AMBITIOUS PLAN TO DEFEAT U.S. IN INAUGURAL SPEECH

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LANCE ARMSTRONG ADMITS TO DOPING OPRAH

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MICHELLE OBAMA WAITING UNTIL HUSBAND IN BETTER MOOD TO TALK ABOUT AMMO SALES SITE SHE WANTS TO START

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NATION’S LAW BREAKERS PROTEST PROPOSED ANTI-GUN LAWS

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SURVIVAL BUNKER MANUFACTURER CLAIMS MAYAN ERROR, SAYS APOCALYPSE WILL BE 12/12/13

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OBAMA’S MONSTER ALLEY-OOP DUNK SHUTS ROMNEY DOWN IN TRADITIONAL ELECTION DAY GAME OF BASKETBALL

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BIDEN RALLY IN MEXICO CITY DRAWS DOZENS OF CURIOUS PASSERBYS

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OBAMA CAMPAIGN KEEPING BIDEN AWAY FROM LIVE MICS TODAY

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JOE BIDEN BRIEFED ON HURRICANE SANDY, DECLARES STATE OF CONFUSION

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NATIONAL EVENTS STRESS LIMITED NEWS CYCLE; OBAMA SUGGESTS FOX NEWS COVER STORM, MSNBC COVER ELECTION

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GAFFE-PRONE BIDEN PLEADS WITH RESIDENTS OF NYC AND NJ TO ‘PLEASE GO TO THE BEACH AND ENJOY THIS WEATHER’

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OBAMA EXPRESSES CONCERN OVER EAST COAST MEGA STORM, SUGGESTS ROMNEY EVACUATE THE U.S.

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OBAMA: FAILED BUSH POLICIES TO BLAME FOR EAST COAST SUPERSTORM

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OBAMA TO VISIT ALL 57 STATES IN DESPERATE TWO WEEK CAMPAIGN PUSH

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GOP SENDING CHUCK NORRIS TO MONITOR U.N. POLL MONITORS

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OBAMA: ‘I HAVEN’T RULED OUT VOTING FOR ROMNEY’, CITES CONCERNS OVER HIS PERSONAL DEBATE PERFORMANCES

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OBAMA TELLS VOTERS THAT HE NEEDS SECOND TERM TO ‘BECOME A BETTER DEBATER’

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OBAMA WINS DEBATE BY BOMBING, BUT NOT ‘TOTALLY’ BOMBING DEBATE

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OBAMA FAILS TO BREAK BIDEN’S DEBATE INTERRUPTION RECORD

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ROMNEY, LYING AND FLIP-FLOPPING, ACCORDING TO LYING AND FLIP-FLOPPING PRESIDENT

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PANERA SHOOTS DOWN STARBUCKS DRONE IN NJ

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HOPES RIDING HIGH ON OBAMA NOT TOTALLY BOMBING TOMORROW’S DEBATE

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BACK-ALLEY MARKET FOR BUCKETS OF SODA THRIVING IN NYC

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