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>HILLARY CLINTON: ‘I DIDN’T ASKED FOR MOTHER TERESA’S MANTLE OF FAITH AND LOVE, IT JUST FELL UPON ME’

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>NEW IRANIAN PRESIDENT THOUGHT TO HAVE MASTERMINDED 2004 KERRY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

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>WORLD INCHES CLOSER TO WORLD WAR III OR IV AFTER PUTIN THEFT OF SUPER BOWL RING

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>FREAK: TOM CRUISE BREAKS TONGUE-LOCK WITH CURRENT LOVE INTEREST TO RANT ABOUT ALIENS AMONG US

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>EXPERT: TOM CRUISE HURTLING TOWARDS ‘MICHAELJACKSONISM’

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>HOWARD DEAN ATTEMPTS NEW ANGLE, CLAIMS BUSH CONSULTED EXTRATERRESTRIALS BEFORE IRAQ INVASION

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>BLING FUTURES ON THE RISE AFTER JAY-Z TOUR ANNOUNCEMENT

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>ELDER BUSH GOLFS WITH CLINTON, COAXES HIM FOR ‘A QUICK DIP’ IN WAVES OFF FLORIDA’S GULF COAST

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>SUPREME COURT JUSTICE SOUTER’S HOME BEING RAZED TO MAKE WAY FOR ‘MORE PROFITABLE’ BANANA STAND

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>TOM BROKAW, PETER JENNINGS, AND DAN RATHER’S REPLACEMENT TO COVER PRESIDENT’S SPEECH FROM ARUBA

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>LEAK: BUSH SPEECH TO INCLUDE CRITICISM OF PARENTS WHO ‘SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WITH CLINTON’

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>BUSH CONSIDERS ‘DATE CERTAIN’ FOR PULLING OUT OF SUPREME COURT

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>CHENEY AND RUMSFELD AGREE THAT IRAQ INSURGENCY IS ‘ALIVE AND STRONG, CRUMBLING, AND DEAD’

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>TOM CRUISE, MATT LAUER WRESTLE OVER BENEFIT OF HEROIN-BASED ALTERNATIVES TO PSYCHIATRY

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>EXPERTS: TOM CRUISE A ‘SCIENTOLOGIST WHACK JOB’

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>OUTRAGED PROPERTY OWNERS THROW LIBERAL SUPREME COURT JUSTICES INTO BOSTON HARBOR

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>OPRAH: I WAS DENIED ENTRY TO RICKI LAKE STRATEGY MEETING ‘BECAUSE I’M BLACK’

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>CRICKET CHIRPING INTERRUPTS POLITICIANS’ ARGUMENT AGAINST EMINENT DOMAIN RULING

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>D.C. OFFICIALS APPROVE RAZING OF DNC HQ DUE TO ‘EXTREME BLIGHT’

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>DNC SPINS INTO FROTH-FILLED OVERDRIVE AFTER ROVE REMARKS

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>OOPS: LEADING DEMOCRAT QUICKLY RENEGES ON CALLING PBS ‘OUR BULLHORN’

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>PRIVATE DEVELOPER PUSHES SUPREME COURT TO RULE FOR APARTMENT COMPLEX ON CURRENT WHITE HOUSE PROPERTY

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>AUTOMOBILE BUMPER DAMAGED IN HUMAN HIT-AND-FALL INCIDENT

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>DICK (DURBIN, IL) AVOIDS EYE CONTACT DURING ‘APOLOGY’

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>MISSING BODY FOUND ALIVE IN UTAH

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>EXPERTS STRESS BIRD FLU EPIDEMIC COULD – COULD – BE APOCALYPTIC

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>’CLEAN FREAK’ SADDAM REPULSED BY SYMPATHETIC VISIT FROM ‘DISGUSTING’ SEN. DURBIN (DICK, IL.)

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>WORLDWIDE FLABBERGAST AS NEW JOE KLEIN BOOK ALLEGES CLINTON PHILANDERING

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>PRESIDENT BUSH ‘UNEASY’ WITH CLINTON’S NEW STATUS AS ‘BROTHER’

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>SEN. BIDEN THROWS HAT INTO RING OF 2008 DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL LOSERS

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>BUSH’S ‘WAR ON IMMORALITY’ BLAMED FOR BOX OFFICE RECESSION

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>JANITOR OVERWHELMED BY ‘PILE OF WASTE MATTER’ LEFT BEHIND AFTER MEETING OF DEMOCRATIC LEADERS

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>AL-JAZEERA ANGLES TO STAR THE DICK DURBIN ON ‘ANTI-AMERICAN IDOL’

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>TOM CRUISE PROPOSES DIVORCE DATE TO KATIE HOLMES ATOP EIFFEL TOWER

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>MICHAEL JACKSON ASSISTANT SHOPS UMBRELLA-HANDLING SKILLS TO L.A. TALENT AGENCIES

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>CONGRESSMEN QUESTION EXISTENCE OF EXIT STRATEGY FROM DISNEY

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>MICHAELS JACKSON AND TYSON UNITE TO FIGHT CREDITORS, FUTURE PROSECUTIONS

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>JACKSON FANS: ‘WE’LL GIVE WHACKO THREE OR FOUR MORE CHANCES, BUT THAT’S IT’

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>JACKSON VERDICT REACHED: FOXNEWS FOLLOWS WHITE BRONCO DOWN CALIFORNIA HWY

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>NEW BOOK ALLEGES BILL FORCED SELF ON HILLARY FOR SOME CRAZY REASON

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>COMBINED DEBTS OF MIKES – TYSON AND JACKSON – THREATEN TO COLLAPSE ECONOMY

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>SADDAM LAWYER: 2018 TRIAL DATE IS ‘TOO SOON’

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>MOST LIKELY TRASHED JANET RENO WRECKS TRUCK IN KEY WEST

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>WWWF HOPEFUL MIKE TYSON LOSES BOXING MATCH, CAREER, FANS, ETC.

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>NEXT GENERATION OF TEXT MESSAGING TECHNOLOGY WILL ALLOW REAL TIME EXCHANGE OF AUDIO VIA CELL PHONES

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>FUTURE OF AIRLINE INDUSTRY IS UP IN THE AIR

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>MICHAEL JACKSON JURY MILKING $5 PER DIEM

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>DEMOCRATS HOLD BREATHS AS DEAN PASSES CLOSE TO LIVE MIC

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>MEDIA: MORE ‘SHOCKINGLY POSITIVE’ ECONOMIC NUMBERS RELEASED

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>JACKSON JURY REQUESTS TO HAVE PERSONAL BOOK EDITORS TO SIT IN ON DELIBERATIONS

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