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The Funny Side of Horribly Depressing News

>MISSING BRIDE FOUND LYING IN NEW MEXICO; WEDDING BACK ON HOLD

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>ZARQAWI MISSES OUT ON BEING CAPTURED, GETTING HOT MEAL FOR A CHANGE

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>CONFIDENCE IN HOUSING BUBBLE INCREASES

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>DEMS: SOCIAL SECURITY PRIVATIZATION WOULD PUT TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY IN HANDS OF ‘IDIOT CITIZENS’

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>EXPERTS: GOOGLE.COM SHARE PRICE ‘GETTING OUT OF HAND’

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>OLD FOOD PYRAMID REPLACED BY NEW FAD DIET OBELISK

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>PLANET HOLLYWOOD RESTAURANT-SIZED HAIL ROCKS COLORADO

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>EXPERT: REDNECKS POISED TO BECOME 3RD MOST POPULATED MINORITY GROUP BY 2012

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>BEN AFFLECK, JENNIFER GARNER ANNOUNCE PLANS TO MAKE A MOCKERY OF MARRIAGE

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>NEW POPE TO ISSUE LIFETIME BAN ON KERRY COMMUNION ATTEMPTS

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>NEW PONTIFF PONDERS TOM DELAY PARDON FROM ‘THE INCOHERENT RAGE OF DESTRUCTIVE SECULARISTS’

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>BLACK SMOKE FROM VATICAN CHIMNEY INDICATES RATZINGER RECALL

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>CARDINAL JOSEPH RATZINGER TO ATTEND SEVEN INAUGURAL BALLS TONIGHT

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>DRUDGE REPORT MISSES WHITE SMOKE BOAT, READERSHIP DROPS TO ONLY HALF BILLION PER HOUR

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>CARDINAL SEQUESTERED IN SISTINE CHAPEL CAUGHT REFERRING TO DA VINCI CODE

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>GREY SMOKE FROM VATICAN CHIMNEY SENDS ST. PETER’S SQUARE INTO MASS CONFUSION

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>VATICAN OFFICIAL WARNS OF FALSE POPE VOTE SIGNAL, SAYS ‘SEVERAL OF THE CARDINALS SMOKE’

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>MEDIA DARLING ANN COULTER GRACES TIME COVER, PROVES MAG’S ‘FAIR AND BALANCED’ CLAIM

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>EXPERTS: PUBLIC CAN EXPECT ‘SEVERAL MORE WEEKS’ OF FILIBUSTER ANALYSIS

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>DEPT OF JUSTICE ‘CRIMINAL DRAGNET’ SCOOPS UP 10,000 FUGITIVES, 7 KENNEDYS

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>ORLANDO MAGIC EMBARK ON A THREE DAY LOSING STREAK

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>SHARON PRESENTS BUSH WITH SATELLITE IMAGERY OF IRANIAN NUDE SITES

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>KEVIN FEDERLINE MULLS ‘NUCLEAR OPTION’ IN TEMPORARY WIFE’S PREGNANCY

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>WWWF CHAMP MIKE TYSON RETURNS TO RING

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>REPORT: TOM DELAY BEING NEWTGINGRICHED BY DEMOCRATS

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>WORLD BRACES FOR WAVE OF NEW WRIST-WORN MOVIE THEATERS

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>VATICAN OFFICIALS CUT POPE VIEWING LINE OFF RIGHT BEFORE JIMMY CARTER’S SPOT

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>DOMINOE’S NEW PIZZA DELIVERY CHARGE FORCES BUDGET REVISION FOR NEW MICHAEL MOORE MOVIE

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>CARTER-LESS DELEGATION OF AMERICAN PRESIDENTS ARRIVES TO PAY PAPAL RESPECTS

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>THOUSANDS MOURN POPE’S ARRIVAL IN HEAVEN

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>GUARDS ON POPE DUTY TO UPGRADE WEAPONRY TO MORE MODERN SPEARS

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>UP-CLOSE INTERVIEW WITH JANE FONDA REVEALS PAST, PRESENT, AND WRINKLES

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>NETWORKS TO EXTEND POPE COVERAGE TO 27 HOURS/DAY CYCLES

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>NEW AL GORE CABLE PROGRAM TO BROADCAST OUT OF OLD ‘WAYNE’S WORLD’ STUDIO

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>PRINCE CHARLES’ WEDDING, POPE FUNERAL SCHEDULING CONFLICT THREATENS TO DESTABILIZE EUROPE

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>CLINTON MULLS BOOK SIGNING POSSIBILITIES AT POPE FUNERAL

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>VATICAN SCRAMBLING FOR SUCCESSOR AFTER POPE’S UNEXPECTED DEATH

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