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>COOL ECONOMIST URGES PEOPLE TO HEDGE AGAINST ECONOMIC COLLAPSE BY INVESTING IN GOLDSCHLAGER

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>SEN. REID PROMISES FREE FOOD, BEER, CONDOMS, CANDY AND CRACKERS AT VOTER TURNOUT EVENTS

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>TOM CRUISE DEMOTED TO SCIENTOLOGY’S LEVEL SIX FOR DOG-EARRING PAGE IN DIANETICS

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>NEW IT GUY HOPES REBOOT FIXES PROBLEM

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>DEMS FACING ESCALATING OPPOSITION FROM GOP, TEA PARTIERS, PEOPLE THAT LEARN ABOUT THEM

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>ALAN GRAYSON PUT OFF BY OPPONENT’S VICIOUS ‘GRAYSON-LIKE’ ADS

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>REPORT: HOUSING CRISIS HITTING UNEMPLOYED FORECLOSURE VICTIMS THE HARDEST

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>POLICE DOG DITCHES NARCOTICS UNIT GIG TO FOLLOW ‘FRAGRANT’ KID ROCK WORLD TOUR

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>NEWARK, NJ SCHOOL CHILDREN ENJOYING ‘BLINGED OUT’ BUSES AFTER ZUCKERBERG GIFT

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>U.S. DEMOCRATIC PARTY TO BORROW CHILEAN RESCUE CONTRAPTION FOR USE ON CONGRESSIONAL RACES

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>GARAGE TECHIE FINDS SMOKING POT MORE FUN THAN FOUNDING NEXT GOOGLE

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>MAJORITY OF ATTENDEES VOTE ‘NOT PRESENT’ AT OBAMA RALLY

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>CHILEAN PRESIDENT DELIVERS STRANGE TELEPROMPTERLESS SPEECH FROM THE HEART

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>MARRIED MINER WITH NEWLY-DISCOVERED MISTRESS OPTS TO STAY IN CHILEAN MINE

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>CLINTON ADMITS 2012 PRESIDENTIAL AMBITIONS, SAYS CONSIDERING OBAMA FOR VP ROLE

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>OBAMA STREAKER WAS ‘PREPARING IN ADVANCE FOR IRS ANAL PROBE’

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>WHITE HOUSE TELEPROMPTER CREW TO SPEND ALL-NIGHTER PREPPING CANDID OBAMA STATEMENT FOR PRESSER

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>NASA: SPACE DEBRIS IN DANGER OF COLLISION WITH OUTER EDGE OF U.S. DEFICIT

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>BLOOMBERG BACKS IMAM’S PLAN TO BUY FREEDOM TOWER FOR NEW MOSQUE LOCATION

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>GORE, BIN LADEN COLLABORATE ON NEW AUDIO RECORDING THREAT AGAINST U.S.

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>$50 MILLION LOTTERY WINNER SAYS ECONOMY ‘DOING AWESOME’

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>RICH GLENN BECK CONSOLIDATES EFFORTS, BUILDS BUNKER OUT OF GOLD

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>NEW ROUND OF WHITE HOUSE RESIGNATIONS INCLUDES GIBBS, BIDEN, OBAMA

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