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>KUCINICH UFO REVELATION PROVIDES SURPRISING POLL BOUNCE, CLINTON CLAIMS ABDUCTION, PRODDING

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>DENNIS KUCINICH DRAGGED FROM AREA 51 FRONT GATE, YELLS ‘DON’T TASE ME BRO’

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>HILLARY CLINTON FILES RESTRAINING ORDERS AGAINST EDWARDS, OBAMA, AND RUSSERT

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>HILLARY ACHIEVES RECORD THREE POLICY CONTRADICTIONS IN FOUR WORD SENTENCE

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>CNN: VIABILITY OF HILLARY CLINTON PRESIDENCY INCREASED AFTER ZIMBAMBWEAN TRIBE ELECTS WOMAN AS CHIEF MEDICINE DOCTOR

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>JOHN EDWARDS CRITICIZES HILLARY, JEOPARDIZES AMBASSADORSHIP TO PACIFIC ATOLL

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>CONGRESS TURNS ATTENTION TO INGREDIENT DISCLOSURE REQUIREMENTS FOR NEW MOUNTAIN DEW FLAVOR

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>BILL GATE’S SECRETARY OF DEFENSE UNVEILS PLANS TO PROTECT MICROSOFT AGAINST ‘IMMINENT THREAT’ FROM GOOGLE

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>POLL: McCAIN MOVES 1 POINT CLOSER TO THIRD PLACE CANDIDATE ‘ANYONE BUT McCAIN’

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>OBAMA ANNOUNCES DATE FOR ANTI-CLINTON SMEAR CAMPAIGN LAUNCH PARTY

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>MAN PRAYING FOR RAPTURE TO PROVE FRIEND WRONG, WIN BET

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>KUCINICH CONVERTS TO ‘RADICALIZED ISLAM’ TO COURT DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY VOTERS

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>BOSOX NEAR 50 RUN-PER-INNING LIMIT IN WORLD SERIES OPENER

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>MICHAEL MOORE SUES DAVID ORTIZ FOR ‘BIG POPPY’ TRADE NAME INFRINGEMENT

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>SCIENTISTS DISCOVER LIFE IN BILL RICHARDSON’S CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS

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>CIA: NEW BARACK OBAMA AUDIO TAPE IS AUTHENTIC

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>KID ROCK ARRESTED AFTER WAFFLE HOUSE BRAWL OVER PAMELA ANDERSON, HOME FRIES

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>HILLARY CLINTON TO SOFTEN IMAGE WITH STARRING ROLE IN BABY EINSTEIN VIDEO

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>BUSH VETOES CONGRESSIONAL SPENDING BILL THAT INCLUDES SEN. REID’S WEEKLY PAY

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>DAVID COPPERFIELD ATTEMPTS AZTEC TOMB DISAPPEARANCE AFTER RAPE ACCUSATION

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>MANNY RAMIREZ ‘DISTRACTED’ BY LACK OF BOOS DURING AT-BAT

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>GLOBAL WARMING-INDUCED LIGHT DRIZZLE RAVISHES MIDWEST TOWN

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>CRIMINAL RIGHTS LOBBY INSISTS DEATH ROW INMATES BE SEDATED BEFORE ADMINISTRATION OF NEW LETHAL LAUGHING GAS

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>CONGRESS OUTPACES BUSH IN RACE TO COVETED SINGLE-DIGIT APPROVAL RATING

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>NY PUBLIC SCHOOL FIFTH GRADER AVOIDS SUSPENSION WHEN SUSPECTED FLINTSTONE VITAMIN TURNS OUT ONLY TO BE BIRTH CONTROL PILL

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>AL GORE EYES U.S. PRESIDENCY AS STEPPING STONE TO GLOBAL ANTICHRIST OF REVELATIONS

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>BRITISH HEALTH SYSTEM TO SEEK CURE FOR ITS AILMENTS IN THE U.S.

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>LIBYA WINS SEAT ON U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL, GETS INVITE TO AL GORE NOBEL PRIZE PARTY

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>PENTAGON PREPARED TO ANNOUNCE VICTORY OVER DEMOCRATS IN IRAQ

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>AL GORE’S PRIVATE GULFSTREAM IV JET GOES GREEN WITH NEW ENERGY EFFICIENT LIGHTBULBS

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>DON IMUS TO DEBUT ON WABC RADIO WITH 24 HOUR DELAY

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>NEWSWEEK EXPLORES ‘MAGICAL MARRIAGES’ OF HOLLYWOOD COUPLES, BILL AND HILLARY CLINTON

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>POPE MOBILE ARMORED-UP TO PROTECT PONTIFF FROM CRAZY X-GIRLFRIEND

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>NANCY PELOSI IMITATES BAD PHONE CONNECTION SOUND EFFECT DURING INTERVIEW QUESTION ABOUT CONGRESS’ APPROVAL RATING

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>BARACK OBAMA ARRIVES IN BLACK FACE TO SPEAK TO GEORGIA’S NAACP CHAPTER

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>SEN. CLINTON REJECTS OFFER TO BE LYNDON LAROUCHE’S VEEP

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>IRONIC FASHION AD CONFUSES REPUBLICAN MAGAZINE SUBSCRIBERS

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>BONO SET TO CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR EVENTUAL ERADICATION OF AIDS VIRUS, WORLD HUNGER

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>GLOBAL COOLING SCIENTISTS OF THE 70’S GIVE NOBEL COMMITTEE SILENT TREATMENT

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>JOHN EDWARDS COURTS CLINTON SUPPORTERS WITH LEAKED RUMORS OF HIS SORDID AFFAIR

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>WALTER MONDALE SET TO STIFLE HILLARY CLINTON’S PRESIDENTIAL HOPES WITH HIS ENDORSEMENT

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>SEN. CLINTON SEEKS TO REMOVE GENEVA CONVENTION RIGHTS FROM GOP FOES

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>NOBEL PEACE PRIZE COMMITTEE: ‘WITHOUT AL GORE, WE’D ALL BE AT WAR’

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>SECRET SERVICE AGENT LEAVES HILLARY CLINTON’S SIDE FOR ‘SAFER JOB’ IN ABANDONED MINE SHAFT

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>BRITNEY SPEARS FINDS PREVIOUSLY UNDISCOVERED LEVEL BENEATH ROCK BOTTOM

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>TROPICAL STORM WEAKENS DESPITE ENCOURAGEMENT FROM AL GORE

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>ECSTATIC HOME SELLER OFFLOADS HOUSE FOR TWO iPODS AND BOX OF WINE

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>SEN. EDWARDS INSISTS CANDIDACY IS ‘STILL VIABLE’, CITES 19 NEW MYSPACE FRIENDS

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>BARACK OBAMA JOINS AL QUEDA AND BEFRIENDS JOE LIEBERMAN TO APPEAL TO BOTH ENDS OF DEMOCRAT VOTING BASE

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>OPRAH SPLURGES ON SHOPPING SPREE, PURCHASES CHANEL HANDBAG, YVES ST LAURENT PERFUME, GENERAL MOTORS

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