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>MEDIA PRAISES JOURNALISTS FOR REPORTING ON IRAQIS WHO VOTED IN ‘ELECTION MARKED BY DEATH THREATS’

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>MICHAEL JACKSON ARRIVES AT COURTHOUSE TO PERFORM IN CHILD MOLESTATION CASE

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>AMERICAN AUTOMOBILE OWNERS SAY IRAQ WAR ‘SHOULD HAVE BEEN FOR OIL’

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>DENNIS KUCINICH CLAIMS IRAQI ELECTION ‘MANDATE’ IN .03% WRITE-IN VOTE

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>MICHAEL JACKSON EXPRESSES ‘NO INTEREST OR INVOLVEMENT’ WITH CHILD PORN CACHE FOUND IN HIS NEVERLAND BUNKER

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>PBS CELEBRATES 150TH VIEWER

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>SEN. BYRD: ‘NEXT WEEK’S IRAQI ELECTION HAS BEEN A DISASTER’

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>KATIE COURIC TV SPECIAL GIVES RISE TO RUMOR THAT TEENAGERS ARE ‘EXPERIMENTING’ WITH SEX

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>NEW ‘ALL CARB DIET’ FAD GAINS MOMENTUM

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>CNN COVERAGE OF NEW KEVIN COSTNER MOVIE PREEMPTS ‘FIRST BLACK FEMALE SECRETARY OF STATE THING’

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>’DESPERATE HOUSEDEMOCRATS’ HITS RATINGS LOW POINT

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>HILLARY CLINTON STRUGGLES WITH REQUIREMENT TO ‘LOOK FEMININE’ FOR 2008 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

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>’THE PASSION’ GETS OSCAR NOD FOR ‘OBSCURE FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILMS: OTHER’ CATEGORY

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>BUSH TWINS RELIEVED TO NOT HAVE SUFFERED THROUGH ‘CHELSEA CLINTONESQUE AWKWARD STAGE’

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>SEN. BOXER LASHES OUT AT CONDI RICE IN D.C. GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE

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>HOME THEFTS ON THE RISE

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>ENVIRONMENTALISTS WARN AGAINST ‘USING TOO MUCH ENERGY-POWERED HEAT’ IN GLOBALLY-WARMED FREEZE

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>VH1’S ‘THE SURREAL LIFE 5’ TO INCLUDE SENS. KERRY AND EDWARDS

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>INAUGURAL MESSAGE OF HOPE, FREEDOM, AND THE GREATNESS OF AMERICA CONFUSES, DISCOURAGES DEMOCRATS

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>SUPERBOWL XXXIX TO BE ‘MORE FAMILY-FRIENDLY’ WITH TASTEFUL NUDITY, LESS CURSING

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>HILLARY "LOOK-ALIKE" HOLDING HANDS WITH BILL CLINTON TURNS OUT TO ACTUALLY BE HILLARY

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>CBS INAUGURATION COVERAGE REVOLVES AROUND BUSH 1976 DUI CHARGES

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>BARBARA BOXER’S NOSEBLEED SEAT TO INAUGURAL PROCEEDINGS REVOKED

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>SEN. BOXER LASHES OUT AT ALPHA FEMALE RICE

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>BUSH INAUGURATION ROUTE TO GO THROUGH FRONT DOOR OF DNC ON PENN AVE AND OUT BACK DOOR

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>PENTAGON: BIN LADEN MAY BE HIDING DEEP WITHIN FOLDS IN MICHAEL MOORE’S ABDOMEN

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>BREAKING: HALIBURTON, HARKEN, AND SKULL & BONES ADMIT GUILT IN TSUNAMI DISASTER

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>DAN RATHER AVOIDS MEMOGATE AXE BY DECIDING TO ‘SPEND MORE TIME WITH FAMILY’

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>PENTAGON: BIN LADEN MAY BE HIDING DEEP WITHIN FOLDS IN MICHAEL MOORE’S ABDOMEN

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>CONGRESS GIVES BARBARA BOXER ‘TIME OUT’ FOR CRANKY, INFANTILE BEHAVIOR

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>OHIO VOTER REFUTES DEMOCRATIC PARTY CRYBABIES, SAYS ‘I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE VOTING, SO I WENT HOME’

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>SENATE DEMOCRATS PROPOSE ‘TERRORIST PROTECTION ACT’

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>ENVIRONMENTALISTS BUILDING ROCKET SHIP TO RETRIEVE LITTER FROM APOLLO TRIPS TO MOON

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>KANSAS DEMANDS MORE FEDERAL FUNDING FOR ‘TSUNAMI WARNING TECHNOLOGY’

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>HOMELAND SECURITY: INCREASED ‘CHATTER’ ON SENATE FLOOR TODAY POSES GRAVE THREAT TO NATION

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>TED KENNEDY GRILLS GONZALES ON ‘WATER DROWNING’ PRACTICES

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>ALBERTO GONZALES CRITICIZED BY DEMOCRATS FOR ‘TREATING TERRORISTS LIKE BAD PEOPLE’

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>’RIPLEY’S BELIEVE IT OR NOT’ TO DISPLAY ‘THE LEGACY OF DENNIS KUCINICH’ WRITTEN ON HEAD OF A PIN

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>TREATMENT OF DETAINEES CRITICIZED IN WAR ON SPAM

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>DONALD TRUMP TO HOCK FLEA COLLARS FOR CATS NEXT

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>EXPERTS: DISASTERS SUCH AS EARTHQUAKE, TSUNAMI, AND KERRY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN WILL ‘NATURALLY HAPPEN FROM TIME TO TIME’

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>ASHLEE SIMPSON FEARS AL GORE HANDSHAKE WAS MISCONSTRUED BY PUBLIC AS ‘AN ENDORSEMENT’

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>RELIEF PLANE TO DEVASTATED BLUE STATES ATTACKED BY MILITANT LEFT WINGERS

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>RICHARD GERE APPLAUDS STRUGGLE TO SAVE GERBILS TRAPPED BY TSUNAMI WATERS

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>TSUNAMI VICTIMS SEND AID TO HELP OUT U.S., INCLUDING PHOTOS OF ISLAMIC MILITANTS KILLED IN TSUNAMI

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>SPACE STATION OXYGEN SUPPLY AT DANGEROUSLY LOW LEVELS: ASTRONAUTS ASKED TO ‘BREATHE LESS’

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>RICH DAD AND POOR DAD EMBROILED IN CUSTODY DISPUTE OVER ROBERT KIYOSAKI

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>BUSH PUTS FATHER IN CHARGE OF CHAPERONING CLINTON ON TSUNAMI AID TOUR

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>HILLARY CLINTON ACCEPTS NOMINATION TO BECOME FRONTRUNNER IN 2008 DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE RACE

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