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>JANET NAPOLITANO SWAPS ‘WAR ON TERROR’ WITH ‘WAR ON OTHERWISE WELL-INTENTIONED FREEDOM FIGHTERS’

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>CONCERN GROWS AS GOOGLE QUIETLY GOBBLES UP SKYNET AND ECHELON

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>REUNITED BEATLES TO OPEN FOR OBAMA AT G20 SUMMIT

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>FEDERAL GOV TO GUARANTEE AUTO WARRANTIES AND PROVIDE 720-HOUR ‘WHILE-YOU-WAIT’ OIL CHANGES

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>HOSPITAL STAFF UNPLUG PATIENTS’ LIFE SUPPORT MACHINERY FOR EARTH HOUR; 26 DEAD

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>OBAMA DEMANDS GM CEO’S AND D.C. BURGER KING REGISTER GIRL’S RESIGNATIONS

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>BARACK OBAMA MAKES SIXTH APPEARANCE ON COVER OF ‘BETTER HOMES & GARDENS’

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>PEACE PROTESTERS VOW TO ‘RAIN HELLFIRE, DEATH AND DESTRUCTION’ ON G20 SUMMIT

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>CNN TANKS IN RATINGS, BEGS VIEWERSHIP LOYALTY FROM REMAINING FAMILY MEMBERS

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>CANDID CAMERA INSISTS OBAMA PRESIDENCY IS NOT ONE HUGE PRANK

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>U.N. PUSHES ‘CASHLESS, MORE MARK OF THE BEAST-ISH’ GLOBAL CURRENCY

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>OUTRAGED ANGELINA JOLIE MISTAKEN FOR ‘THAT HOT OCTOMOM’

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>OBAMA TO DEPLOY MORE TROOPS IN WAR ON LIMBAUGH

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>ELECTROMAGNETIC PULSE ATTACK ON U.S. THREATENS CONTINUITY OF FUNNY SATIRE HEADLINES

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>INCREASING VOLUMES OF SPAM CROWDING OUT LEGITIMATE NIGERIAN GET-RICH-QUICK OFFERS

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>SURI CRUISE REACHES SCIENTOLOGY’S LEVEL 3, WILL LEARN ABOUT ALIEN WARLOCK XENU SOON

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>FOX NEWS REPORTER: I DITCHED ASSIGNED QUESTION ABOUT OBAMA’S PUPPY CHOICE

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>U.S. FOLLOWS GOOGLE, LAUNCHES 5 HR ‘OOPS’ BUTTON FOR CONGRESSIONAL LEGISLATION

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>OCTOMOM FOUND IN BUSHES STALKING TABLOID PAPARAZZO

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>REPORTERS CAUGHT TRADING ASSIGNED QUESTIONS PRIOR TO OBAMA PRESS CONFERENCE

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>LIBERAL GROUPS PUSH TO REVERSE WATERBOARDING BAN FOR AIG BONUS RECIPIENTS

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>NANCY PELOSI’S BOOK JUMPS FROM 184,354TH TO 184,355TH ON AMAZON

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>OBAMA DOWNLOADS TELEPROMPTER APP FOR MOBILE PHONE THAT’LL BE SITTING ON PRESSER PODIUM TONIGHT

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>APPROXIMATELY 23.5 HOURS UNTIL THE LAUNCH OF THE NEW PREVENTTRUTHDECAY.COM. APPROXIMATELY I SAY.

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>BANKS GROUP TOGETHER TO COUNTER-PROPOSE TOXIC GOVERNMENT BAILOUT PLAN

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>GEITHNER SETS STAGE FOR STOCK MARKET DROP BY SCHEDULING SPEECH WITH LIVE MIC

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>OBAMA SKIPS CABINET MEETING FOR BOWLING COACH’S PROMISE TO HELP IMPROVE SCORE

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>WASHINGTON D.C. MARCH AGAINST NEW FACEBOOK DRAWS THOUSANDS

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>ECONOMIC STRUGGLES FORCE U.S. POOR TO GIVE UP CELL PHONES, SECOND VEHICLES

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>IRANIAN PRESIDENT REMAINS COMMITTED TO NUKE PLANS, SAYS OBAMA’S WORDS, GREETING CARDS, PHONE CALLS, AND GIFTS ARE ‘INSUFFICIENT’

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>TENS OF THOUSANDS FLOCK TO PAY HOMAGE TO IMAGE OF OBAMA ON OIL-SLICKED BRICK WALL IN PERU

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>EMPLOYEES ASKED TO RETURN $50 BURGER KING BONUSES AS AIG OUTRAGE SPREADS

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>SARAH PALIN’S EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE UNCOVERS ‘QUESTIONABLE CIRCUITRY’ IN OBAMA’S TELEPROMPTER

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>BANKING INDUSTRY FIGHTS BACK, CREDIT UNIONS COLLABORATE IN ATTEMPT TO SEIZE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

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>POLL: ECONOMY CONCERNS SURPASSED BY WORRIES OVER NEW FACEBOOK FORMAT

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>INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION BUMPED BY OUTER EDGE OF OBAMA BUDGET

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>PROTECTIVE WHITE HOUSE MEDIA PR MACHINE BARS PRESS FROM PRESS CONFERENCE

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>WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN DISMISSES CRITICISM OF OBAMA’S LENO APPEARANCE, SAYS CONSERVATIVES WILL ‘PROBABLY WINE ABOUT HIS JUNE APPEARANCE ON MTV’S JACKASS TOO’

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>NYC SUFFERS GLOBAL WARMING’S WRATH WITH SPRING SNOW

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>TELEPROMPTER-LESS OBAMA MAKES FUN OF SPECIAL OLYMPICS, HOMELESS PEOPLE ON LENO SHOW

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>LINCOLN GHOST MOVES OUT OF WHITE HOUSE, CITES BEING ‘HAUNTED BY WHAT’S GOING ON IN THERE’

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>OBAMA IN ATTENDANCE AS TELEPROMPTER DELIVERS ROSE GARDEN SPEECH

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>GEITHNER DROPS TREASURY SECRETARY GIG FOR JOB AT FRANK’S CHICKEN HOUSE

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>DEMS MULL BAILOUT FOR AUTO OWNERS HIT WITH RISING SPINNER RIMS COST

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>MISCALCULATING OBAMA INSISTS VETERANS CAN ‘WASH DISHES OR MAKE LICENSE PLATES’ TO AFFORD HEALTHCARE

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>POLL: MOST REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT BARNEY FRANK IS ACTUAL CONGRESSMAN

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>AIG ASKS FOR MORE BAILOUT FUNDS TO RESOD EMPLOYEE DRIVING RANGE

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>HILLARY CLINTON SECRETLY RUNNING 2012 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN FROM STATE DEPARTMENT BROOM CLOSET

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>RIHANNA SWOONS OVER I-SWEAR-TO-NOT-MURDER-YOU PROMISE RING FROM CHRIS BROWN

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>MIKE TYSON CALLS WINNER IN CRAMER-STEWART PAY-PER-VIEW SMACKDOWN

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