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The Funny Side of Horribly Depressing News

>HELEN THOMAS: ‘IF SADDAM HUSSEIN RUNS FOR PRESIDENT, I’LL TREAT MYSELF TO A CAKE AND SOME SPA TIME’

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>NASA INSISTS THAT ADDING PARACHUTES TO ASTRONAUT DRESS CODE IS ‘MERELY FOR FASHION’S SAKE’

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>AL GORE REMOVES ALL TRACES OF SELF FROM CURRENT TV, SAYS MOVE WILL ‘HELP RATINGS’

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>NASA: FEATHER ALSO FELL FROM EXTERNAL SHUTTLE TANK; ‘HUGE GASH’ FOUND IN SHUTTLE’S TITANIUM SIDE

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>NEW YORK TIMES BREAKING: FIFTH ROBERTS’ TYPO FOUND

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>NASA: SHUTTLE FALLING APART ON TAKEOFF ‘PROBABLY WON’T BE A PROBLEM WE HOPE’

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>GROUNDSWELL OF SUPPORT FOR CHENEY PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDACY AFTER HELEN THOMAS SUICIDE THREAT

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>IRA ENDS ARMED CAMPAIGN, SAYS IT WILL BEGIN SPAM EMAILING

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>INSULATING FOAM FALLS FROM UNDERSIDE OF TED KENNEDY, SENATOR GROUNDED ‘INDEFINITELY’

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>ASTRONAUT COMES CLEAN: ‘FALLING DEBRIS’ WAS CIGARETTE BUTT THROWN FROM WINDOW OF SHUTTLE

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>CLINTONS ACCEPT SUITOR’S DOWRY OF 40 GOATS AND 20 COWS FOR CHELSEA

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>4% OF NASA ANNUAL BUDGET DIVERTED TO DRAIN ATLANTIC IN ATTEMPT TO FIND SHUTTLE DEBRIS

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>FEDERALIST SOCIETY’S ‘OBSESSION WITH CONSTITUTIONAL VALUES’ DISQUALIFIES ROBERTS FOR SUPREME COURT

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>NEWLY MODERATE SEN. CLINTON ADVISES ENGLAND TO ‘RETALIATE NICELY’

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>LIBERALS: PROFILING ‘ARAB MEN WHO HAVE ATTENDED TERRORIST SCHOOL’ IS DISCRIMINATORY, RACIST

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>AMERICA’S LANCE ARMSTRONG MAKING A FOOL OF FRANCE AGAIN

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>LONDONERS PROTECTED BY ARMED POLICE FOR A CHANGE

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>SUPREME COURT VACANCY UPDATE: DEMOCRATS CRITICIZE BUSH FOR NOT PICKING LIBERAL NUT JOB

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>VALERIE PLAME MISSING; SEARCH OF MAGAZINE COVERS UNDER WAY

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>DEMS REACH CHINA WHILE ‘DIGGING FOR DIRT’ ON ROBERTS

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>BUSH NOMINATION OF WHITE MALE TO HIGH COURT ANGERS O.J. SUPPORTERS

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>MONKEY-HUMAN HYBRIDS OFFER VOTER BASE EXPANSION POSSIBILITIES FOR DEMOCRATIC PARTY

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>NEW YORK TIMES LEAKS SUPREME COURT CHOICES TO BUSH

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>BOOKSTORE LINES GROW FOR AUG 2006 RELEASE OF NEXT HARRY POTTER BOOK

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>SEX-FEST ‘WEDDING CRASHERS’ STARRING SEN. JOHN McCAIN ROCKS BOX OFFICE

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>TECH INDUSTRY SCRAMBLES TO FIX Y10K PROGRAMMING BUGS

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>KARL ROVE CALLS FOR BUSH RESIGNATION

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>REHNQUIST TO HOSPITAL STAFF: ‘I SURE HOPE YOU ALL ARE RESPECTERS OF THE CONSTITUTION’

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>SEN. CLINTON BRUSHES OFF RUMORS OF WORLD DOMINATION PLANS

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>PIECE OF CRAP WINS PRESTIGIOUS CONTEMPORARY ART AWARD

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>LONDON TERRORIST ATTACKS SUCK WIND OUT OF TOM CRUISE CRAZINESS NEWS

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>REHNQUIST RESIGNATION DELAYED UNTIL CHIEF JUSTICE IS 100% VESTED IN 401K

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>PARIS REJECTED FOR 2012 OLYMPICS DUE TO ‘LARGE NUMBERS OF FRENCH PEOPLE’

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>SHARK CAGES SELLING ‘LIKE HOT CAKES’ ALONG FLORIDA COAST

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>OUT-OF-TOUCH LIVE 8 PERFORMERS PROMISE TO DONATE $12,000 GIFT BASKETS TO ‘KITCHEN HELP’ AND ‘OUR AFRICAN-COLORED UMBRELLA HOLDERS’

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>DEMOCRATS: WE’LL CONFIRM BUSH’S SUPREME COURT NOMINEE, AS LONG AS THEY’RE A CRAZY LIBERAL NUT JOB

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>ECONOMY: STARBUCKS COFFEE BREAKS $80/GALLON BARRIER

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>FOX NEWS SENDING MORE TROOPS TO ARUBA, SAYS IT WILL ‘STAY THE COURSE’

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