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>KARL ROVE CHECKS INTO REHAB AFTER WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER RAP PERFORMANCE

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>U.N. URGES CAUTION AND RESTRAINT IN CALLS FOR RELEASE OF BRITISH HOSTAGES

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>JOHN EDWARDS OVERDRAWS CAMPAIGN ACCOUNT WITH 7-11 SLURPEE PURCHASE

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>BARAK OBAMA: AMERICA’S REPUTATION BEING JEOPARDIZED BY BUSH, CURRENT CROP OF AMERICAN IDOL HOPEFULS

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>AMERICAN IDOL RATINGS DROP BELOW KEITH OLBERMANN’S MSNBC SHOW

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>FRANCE SURRENDERS TO IRAN OVER CAPTURE OF BRITISH SEAMEN

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>GOP’S SEARCH FOR ‘REAGANESQUE CANDIDATE’ INTENSIFIES WITH NEW IRANIAN HOSTAGE CRISIS

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>HILLARY CLINTON INSISTS SHE’LL ‘REACH ACROSS THE AISLE’ AT BUSH EFFIGY BURNING EVENT

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>CORONER: INNOCENT, BUT ACCIDENTAL OVERDOSE OF ILLEGAL DRUGS KILLED ANNA NICOLE SMITH

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>MEDIA WARNS OBAMA EVENT ATTENDEES AGAINST SUNBURN FROM CANDIDATE’S CHARISMA

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>BRITISH CELEBS GWYNETH PALTROW AND MADONNA URGE ROYAL NAVY TO ‘STOP MEDDLING IN IRANIAN WATERS’

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>GORE FINGERS N.A.S.A.’S MARS ROVER FOR APPARENT TOXICITY OF RED PLANET’S ATMOSPHERE

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>GORE GETS 2ND OSCAR FOR THEATRICAL PERFORMANCE AT CAPITOL HILL

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>GORE WARNS OF ‘TRUE PLANETARY EMERGENCY’ IF CONGRESS FAILS TO SHUT DOWN INDUSTRY

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>DON KING, WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION COLLABORATE TO AIR GLOBAL WARMING PAY-PER-VIEW DEBATE

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>SEN. McCAIN RECONSIDERS IRAQ WAR POSITION AFTER POLL

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>NORTH KOREA NUKE TALKS ON HOLD UNTIL PLUTONIUM ENRICHMENT COMPLETED

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>BUSH SUPPORTS GONZALES IN TRIMMING OF JUDICIAL BRANCH’S ‘DEAD WOOD’

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>HILLARY CLINTON TO TOUR WITH RAPPER SNOOP DOG IN ATTEMPT TO COURT BLACK VOTE

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>KEITH OLBERMANN SPENDS FULL PROGRAM ON BUSH AUTOGRAPH SPELLING ERROR

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>AIR AMERICA BUYER LOSES RECEIPT, IS STUCK WITH PURCHASE

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>HAMAS AND FATAH AGREE TO UNITY GOV, PEACEFUL DESTRUCTION OF ISRAEL

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>FCC FINES ABC FOR LURID LOVEMAKING SCENE DURING BARBARA WALTERS INTERVIEW WITH HUGO CHAVEZ

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>VALERIE PLAME WOWS CONGRESSIONAL HEARING WITH ‘HOT BLOND SECRET SPY LOOK’

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>BANK DECLINES JOHN McCAIN’S CAMPAIGN WARCHEST AS COLLATERAL FOR JETSKI LOAN

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>HILLARY’S PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN LEFT ‘GULPING FOR AIR’ AFTER NEW BILL CLINTON AFFAIR ALLEGATIONS SURFACE

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>SENATE REFUSES TO PASS U.S. FRENCHIFICATION BILL, TROOPS TO STAY IN IRAQ

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>SEN. CLINTON SIDESTEPS QUESTIONS ON IMMORALITY OF ASEXUALITY

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>GITMO MANAGEMENT DENIES KHALID SHEIKH MOHAMMED’S CONFESSION FOLLOWED JACK BAUER VISIT

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>HAMAS SOFTENS IMAGE BY SWAPPING ‘ANNIHILATION OF JEWS’ WITH DESTRUCTION OF JEWS’ IN CHARTER

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>GORE PLANTS DOZEN SEQUOIA TREES AS CARBON OFFSET FOR NEXT MONTH’S PRIVATE JET USAGE

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>OBAMA: NOBODY SUFFERS MORE THAN FREEDOM FIGHTING PALESTINIAN SUICIDE BOMBERS

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>GOOGLE STRIKES BACK AT VIACOM’S $1 BILLION LAWSUIT, SUES VIACOM FOR $1 GOOGLE

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>JOHN EDWARDS HOPES DISCOVERY OF BLACK AUNT IGNITES FLOUNDERING CAMPAIGN

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>SEN. CLINTON: ‘I WILL BE THE FIRST BLACK-MINDED FEMALE PRESIDENT, JUST LIKE JFK’

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>POLL: MODERATE DEMOCRATS LIKE GIULIANI FOR ABORTION STANCE, AND CAN FORGIVE HIS ‘POST 9-11 DETERMINATION TO FIGHT BACK’

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>NJ CONGRESSMAN (D – NJ) RESERVES CAPITOL BOARDROOM FOR BIN LADEN, MULLAH OMAR MEETING

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>ANTI-BUSH PROTESTER CHUCK HAGEL COURTS GOP PRIMARY VOTERS

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>JOHN EDWARDS AGREES TO DEBATE HOSTED BY DEMOCRATIC PARTY AND SUBSIDIARY CNN

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>FOX NEWS CHIEF AILES: ‘EVEN FAT TEDDY CONFUSED OBAMA AND OSAMA, EVERYONE’S DOING IT’

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>ANGELINA JOLIE GIVES BIRTH TO NEWLY-ADOPTED AFRICAN KID

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>FARRAKHAN MOVES TOWARD NORMALIZING RELATIONS WITH REST OF WORLD

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>LESS-THAN-NORMALLY-GRIM NEWS BRIGHTENS FRONT PAGE OF NY TIMES

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>FREDERICK PRICE BASKS IN CAMERA’S GLOW DURING SON’S SERMON ABOUT FATHER’S HUMILITY

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>SECRET SERVICE QUESTIONS HUGO CHAVEZ ON ‘ALL THE DEATH THREATS AND WHAT NOT’

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>NEWT GINGRICH BLAMES AFFAIR ON ‘MY INNER CLINTON’

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>EU FOREIGN POLICY CHIEF JAVIER SOLANA NOT ANTICHRIST SAYS PUBLIC RELATIONS DEMON

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>PROGRESSIVE BLOG DAILY KOS: ‘BITCH’ ANN COULTER OWES APOLOGY TO JOHN EDWARDS

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>CNN: BUSH TOURS LATIN AMERICAN DESPITE INTIMIDATING ANTI-BUSH PROTESTS

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>FORMER PRESIDENT CARTER CRITICIZES ISRAEL FOR HAMAS ROCKET ATTACK ON TEL AVIV

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