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ROMNEY EXCITED TO BE FIRST CANDIDATE TO LEGITIMATELY SAY ‘IF YOU DON’T ELECT ME, THE WORLD WILL END’

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JOE BIDEN TAKES STAGE IN TAMPA AT WRONG CONVENTION, GREETS CROWD WITH ‘HELLOOO PAPUA NEW GUINEA!’

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ANN ROMNEY WILL ATTEMPT TO HUMANIZE EXTRATERRESTRIAL MITT IN TONIGHT’S RNC SPEECH

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ROMNEY’S CONVENTION CANCELLED, OBAMA TO RUN UNCHALLENGED AFTER MARSHALL LAW DECLARED OVER STORM DRIZZLE IN TAMPA

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GOP CONVENTION IN TAMPA BRACES FOR HURRICANE CHRIS CHRISTIE

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DINESH D’SOUZA PONDERS PAYING OFF NATIONAL DEBT WITH PROFITS FROM ‘2016: OBAMA’S AMERICA’

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BIDEN TO BE ABSENT FOR OCT 11 CLASH WITH RYAN, SAYS DEBATE CONFLICTS WITH DENTIST APPOINTMENT

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REPUBLICANS PLOT CONVENTION EVACUATION PLAN FOR POSSIBLE ARRIVAL OF HURRICANE ISAAC OR TODD AKIN

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AKIN’S ILLEGITIMATE QUITTING OF SENATE RACE FAILS TO APPEASE UNADORING MASSES

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OBAMA TAKES TIME OUT TO ANSWER QUESTIONS FROM TELEPROMPTER

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HOMELAND SECURITY OVERRIDES BOSS, MOVES NATION’S THREAT LEVEL TO ‘SEVERE’ IN ANTICIPATION OF JANET NAPOLITANO PLAYBOY SPREAD

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OBAMA CAMPAIGN HAMPERED BY UNFUNDED LIABILITIES MEDICARE AND BIDEN

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THERMONUCLEAR-POWERED TELEPROMPTER ORDERED FOR JOE BIDEN

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PAUL RYAN ASKS KATIE COURIC WHAT NEWSPAPERS SHE READS BESIDES PRAVDA

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MSNBC UNCOVERS PAUL RYAN PLAN TO ERADICATE U.S. WOMEN BY 2015

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LONDON’S OLYMPIC STADIUM TO BE RETIRED, RE-OPENED AS DENTAL OFFICE

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CBS MOVES TROOPS TO PAUL RYAN’S HOME GARBAGE CANS

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COCKY CHESS PLAYER LAYS CLAIM TO ‘GREATEST ATHLETE EVER’ TITLE

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QUESTIONS SWIRL AGAIN AS 15 YR OLD CHINESE GIRL TAKES OLYMPIC GOLD IN MEN’S WEIGHTLIFTING

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ELECTION POLLS SHOW OBAMA LANDSLIDE VICTORY MAY BE SUPPLANTED BY ROMNEY LANDSLIDE WIN

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AMERICAN DREAM TO ‘NOT BECOME A HOBO’ BECOMING ELUSIVE FOR MANY

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REPORT: McDONALD’S BARELY EDGED OUT ‘TYRELL’S WEED DEALERSHIP BEHIND DUMPSTER ON 3RD AVE & 14TH ST’ AS OLYMPICS SPONSOR

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U.S. ASKS CHINA TO STEP UP PRODUCTION OF ‘MADE IN AMERICA’ LABELS

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ALY RAISMAN HITS VAULT WITH BALD EAGLE ON SHOULDER TO PROVE PATRIOTISM TO FOX NEWS

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U.S., BRITISH, FRENCH, SPANISH, ITALIAN, AND GREEK OLYMPIANS ATTEMPT DEFECTION TO ‘LESS ECONOMICALLY-CHALLENGED’ CHINA

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OBAMA URGES BIDEN TO TAKE UP GOLF, VACATION MORE

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OBAMA PRAISES MARS ROVER LANDING, CANCELS FUNDING FOR MARS ROVER PROGRAM

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RYAN LOCHTE ATTRIBUTES OLYMPIC LOSSES TO TRAINING TIME WASTED ON ADMIRING CLOSET FULL OF FANCY SHOES

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NORTH KOREANS REVEL IN STATE-RUN NEWS OF COMPLETE NORTH KOREAN OLYMPIC DOMINATION

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CHICK-FIL-A TO PURCHASE APPLE, GOOGLE, EXXON MOBIL WITH WEDNESDAY’S PROFITS

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GAY FIREMEN PUT BOYCOTT ON HOLD TO ENFORCE NATION-WIDE THREATS TO CHICK-FIL-A OCCUPANCY LIMITS

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AMERICAN SARAH PALIN WINS GOLD IN FIGHT AGAINST DICK CHENEY

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