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>CLINTON AMASSES TROOPS AT OBAMA’S BORDER

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>MEDIA HYPE OVER NEW LOST GLOVE WEBSITE OVERSHADOWED BY BHUTTO ASSASINATION

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>SEN. CLINTON CONDEMNS ATTACKS ON BHUTTO, SELF

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>CLINTON SWEARS OFF SMEAR CAMPAIGNING, INSTRUCTS STAFFERS TO ‘REFRAIN FROM ANY MENTION OF OBAMA’S COKE HABIT’

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>DENNIS KUCINICH ATTEMPTS TO BOOST NUMBER OF SUPPORTERS TO CANDIDACY BY ENDORSING SELF

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>DENNIS KUCINICH BUILDS BUNKER UNDER HOME AFTER NEWS THAT ASTEROID MAY HIT MARS

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>JOHN EDWARDS WINS TIME’S ‘WOMAN OF THE YEAR’

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>NEW CLINTON CAMPAIGN STRATEGY TO SHOWCASE CANDIDATE’S ‘LIKEABLE SIDE’

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>ELATED McCAIN RETURNS TO HAWKEYE STATE AFTER NEWS THAT IOWANS AT DES MOINES REGISTER DON’T HATE HIM

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>BILL MOYERS REPORTEDLY PREGNANT BY KEITH OLBERMANN AFTER INTERVIEW

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>POLL: FREEZING AMERICANS WISH GLOBAL WARMING PROBLEM WAS REAL

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>HILLARY CLINTON MAKES FOURTH PROMISE TO "NEVER AGAIN USE THE WORD ‘COCAINE’ IN REFERENCE TO BARACK OBAMA’S HISTORY OF COCAINE ABUSE"

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>HILLARY CLINTON: ‘I’VE APOLOGIZED TO BARACK PERSONALLY AND INSURED HIM THERE WILL BE NO MORE MENTIONS OF HIS HORRIBLE AND DISGUSTING COCAINE HABIT’

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>NEW CLINTON COMMERCIAL FEATURES MOM RODHAM INSISTING: ‘HILLARY IS NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON…REALLY’

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>CLINTON QUESTIONS OBAMA’S 1999 ATTENDANCE AT ‘RESISTING WATERBOARD INTERROGATIONS’ SEMINAR

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>GLOBAL WARMING ALARMISTS EXONNERATED BY LIGHT DRIZZLE CURRENTLY BATTERING VIRGIN ISLANDS

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>CNN: CHURCH SHOOTING INTERRUPTED BY GUN NUT

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>HUCKABEE RAISES ANOTHER $10, DEDICATES MOST TO IOWA AD BUY

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>REPORT: MITT ROMNEY WON’T UNVEIL JOSEPH SMITH’S GOLDEN TABLETS IN SPEECH TODAY

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>REPORT: WHEN KUCINICH EXITS RACE, JOHN EDWARDS IS ‘BEST POSITIONED’ TO PICK UP HIS SUPPORTER

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>REPORT: IRAN IS NO THREAT, STILL ‘MONTHS AWAY’ FROM NUKES

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>ACTRESS WHO PLAYS DOGWALKER FROM ‘KING OF QUEENS’ SET TO ANNOUNCE SUPPORT FOR CLINTON

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