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>WHITE HOUSE DENIES THAT ‘CASH FOR WORTLESS JALOPIES’ PROGRAM IS DEFUNCT

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>OBAMA-BUSH-CHENEY UNO GAME TO FOLLOW OBAMA’S BEER WITH CAMBRIDGE COP

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>HILLARY CLINTON MAINTAINS PROSPECT OF RUNNING AGAINST OBAMA CONTINUES TO BE SOMETHING SHE’LL CACKLE ABOUT

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>PRISON GYM RAT BERNIE MADOFF SUCCESSFULLY FIGHTS OFF SHIV ATTACK

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>THOUSANDS OF RECORD LOW JULY TEMPS SPARK AL GORE’S GLOBAL WARMING FEARS AGAIN SOMEHOW

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>IDI AMIN’S GENOCIDE RE-POSITIONED IN HISTORY AS ‘TEACHABLE MOMENT’

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>GOV: ‘PROJECT 666’ NAME FOR NATIONAL ID CHIP PROGRAM A ‘MERE COINCIDENCE’

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>DEVALUED U.S. DOLLAR NOW ONLY WORTH SEVEN WHEELBARRELS OF IRAQI DINARS

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>OBAMA URGES CONGRESS TO PASS HEALTHCARE BILL BY 2 A.M.

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>WHITE HOUSE DELAYS BUDGET REPORT THAT INCLUDES $5 MILLION LINT BRUSH

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>SLEEPLESS SPACE SHUTTLE CREW WISHES THEY HADN’T STAYED UP LATE WATCHING ALIEN

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>ALEC BALDWIN, CARROT TOP, GALLAGHER CONSIDER FOLLOWING FRANKEN INTO SENATE

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>SOTOMAYOR CORRECTS CRITICS: ‘I KNOW YOU KNOW YOU BELIEVE AND UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU AND I BELIEVE I SAID’

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>COMMITTEE THAT GAVE GORE CLIMATE CHANGE PRIZE GRANTS MADOFF NOBEL PRIZE FOR FINANCE

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>CNN: JAKARTA TERROR ATTACK ‘MOST LIKELY CARRIED OUT BY TIMOTHY McVEIGH TYPES’

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>REPORT: LEGALIZING POT WILL INCREASE TAX REVENUES, BEN & JERRY’S ICE CREAM SALES

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>JOE JACKSON SETS UP WEBSITE, ASKS L.A. TAXPAYERS TO HELP WITH NEW RECORD COMPANY COSTS

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>DEMS SLIP SOCIAL SECURITY, WELFARE, AND NATIONAL DEFENSE REFORM INTO HEALTHCARE BILL

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>U.S. SET TO CELEBRATE 40TH ANNIVERSARY OF ALLEGED MOON LANDING

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>SHOCK REPORT: SHOCKING REPORTS ARE DISTURBING

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>BIDEN DOWNPLAYS EXPECTATIONS FOR STIMULUS: SAYS ‘WE’LL MOST LIKELY ALL BE DEAD SOON’

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>TELEPROMPTER STAGES PROTEST OVER SOARING DEFICITS

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>AT CONFIRMATION HEARINGS, SEN. FRANKEN CIRCLING SOTOMAYOR ON MINI CLOWN BIKE

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>DEMS GRILL SOTOMAYOR OVER ICE CREAM FLAVOR PREFERENCE, PERFUME CHOICE

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>400 XANAX-PILLS-PER-DAY HABIT REVEALED IN UNSOLVED MJ DEATH MYSTERY

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>POST-MADOFF PALM BEACH REAL ESTATE MAG MISTAKEN FOR PHONE BOOK

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>TRIGGER-SHY NASA DELAYS SHUTTLE LAUNCH, CITES WORN WIPER BLADES

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>LARRY KING ALIVE, DESPITE RUMORS CIRCULATING AT LARRY KING FUNERAL

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>BUSY JESSE JACKSON SENDS CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF SELF TO INCITE RACIAL UNREST IN PHILLY

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>HEALTHCARE BILL INCLUDES BILLIONS FOR VINTAGE BIG WHEELS, RAINBOW-COLORED PROPELLER HATS

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>NBC JOURNALIST: IT WAS ‘BITTERSWEET’ TO FINALLY WASH HAND OBAMA SHOOK LAST YEAR

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>SHOCK: TALK OF ‘NEW STIMULUS’ IS THIRD; CONGRESS PASSED SECOND STIMULUS DURING MJ MEMORIAL

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>CNN ATTACKS MICHELLE OBAMA FOR ‘NOT SHOWING MORE OF THOSE HEAVENLY ARMS’

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>JACKSON-SATURATED MEDIA ANXIOUS TO RETURN TO ATTACKING PALIN

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>JOE JACKSON ASKS TO COMBINE MICHAEL JACKSON EULOGY WITH NEW RECORD COMPANY IPO INFO

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>MJ FUNERAL MOTORCADE PULLS OVER TO SPANK BICKERING AL SHARPTON AND JESSE JACKSON

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>DAVID HASSELHOFF’S REQUEST TO PERFORM ‘HIT SONG’ AT JACKSON MEMORIAL DENIED

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>POLL: MOST STILL THINK FRANKEN SENATE ASCENDANCY IS A PRANK

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>OBAMA OFFERS PUTIN SCALPED TICKET TO JACKSON MEMORIAL IN EXCHANGE FOR FRIENDSHIP

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>MSNBC: FBI FAILS TO FIND FBI CORRUPTION CHARGES LEVIED AGAINST SCANDALOUS SARAH PALIN

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>STATESMAN AL FRANKEN MANAGES TO CONTAIN HILARIOUS BUSH-THE-IRAQI-BABY-KILLER JOKE HE WROTE

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>LEAK: OBAMA MAY SEIZE MORE INDUSTRIES WHILE NATION DISTRACTED BY MICHAEL JACKSON MEMORIAL

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>NASA ALERT AS INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION CLIPS EDGE OF OBAMA BUDGET

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>NORTH KOREA: WITH JUST ONE MORE ROLL OF DUCT TAPE, SOME TWINE AND A BIC LIGHTER, WOODEN ROCKET WILL ANNIHILATE U.S.

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>LIQUID NAILS NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO HOLD WOODEN NORTH KOREAN ROCKET TOGETHER; LAUNCH SCRUBBED

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>FOX NEWS’ CARL CAMERON: SELFISH PALIN ATTEMPTING TO MONOPOLIZE NEWS CYCLE

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>SARAH PALIN VACATING GOVERNOR’S POST TO ATTEND TO WHATEVER EVERYONE’S SPECULATING ABOUT

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>COLIN POWELL EXPRESSES ‘A CERTAIN DEGREE OF NUANCED CONCERN’ OVER OBAMA AGENDA

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>NASA: WEIGHT OF ADDITIONAL FED CASH THROWING EARTH’S ORBIT ASKEW

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>JOE JACKSON OFFERING MICHAEL JACKSON AUTOPSY PHOTOS IN EXCHANGE FOR INTEREST IN STUPID NEW RECORD COMPANY

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