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>HOMELAND SECURITY OFFICIALLY DEEMS DELAWARE EXPENDABLE

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>RAPPER’S BENTLEY SUCKS LAST BIT OF CASH OUT OF OVER-LEVERAGED EXISTENCE

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>MAN HAS HARD TIME EXPLAINING RICHARD SIMMONS FAN BLOG TO WIFE

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>CARMEX NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO COMBAT GUY’S HERPES ONSLAUGHT

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>OBAMA ORDERS INVESTIGATIONS INTO KENNEDY ASSASSINATION, CHENEY SHOOTING AFTER GADHAFI SUGGESTION

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>OSAMA BIN LADEN’S BOOK CLUB NOW FEATURES ONE MADDOW, TWO CARTER TOMES

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>LAZY MICHAEL JORDAN RESTING ON HIS LAURELS

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>GADHAFI ADDRESSES U.N. IN SOME WEIRD, HARD TO UNDERSTAND LANGUAGE

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>KHLOE KARDASHIAN ADDRESSES INCREASINGLY IRRELEVANT U.N.

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>AL QUEDA ROTATES INTO U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL CHAIR POSITION

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>OBAMA SET FOR NICKELODEON, HSN INTERVIEWS

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>OBAMA CALLS FOR INVESTIGATION OF TAXPAYER-FUNDED ACORN CRITICS IN CONGRESS

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>OFFICE GUY ‘THAT’S WHAT SHE SAYS’ PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING

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>JOHN EDWARDS MEETS WITH ADVISERS TO PLOT BASTARD CHILD REVELATION STRATEGY

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>OBAMA: RECESSION EBBING, BUT AMERICANS SHOULD STILL PREPARE FOR JOB LOSS, BANKRUPTCY, FORECLOSURE

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>CNN: FBI ARRESTS UNDOUBTEDEBLY INNOCENT ARAB-LOOKING GUY IN TERROR PROBE

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>DISASTER BUNKER INDUSTRY BEGS OBAMA FOR ANOTHER PUBLIC STATEMENT

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>OBAMA SNUBS FOX NEWS INTERVIEW FOR TALK WITH PRAVDA, GRANMA, AND CHINA’S STATE ‘NEWS’

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>MICHAEL MOORE HELPS JAY LENO SHOW SHED EXCESSIVELY HIGH RATINGS

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>CHARLIE GIBSON SHOCKED TO FIND OUT ABOUT ACORN, MOON LANDING

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>DICK GEPHARDT: BUSH ‘EVEN MORE OF A MISERABLE FAILURE’ FOR NOT REIGNING IN DISRESPECTFUL JOE WILSON

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>OBAMA’S POLLS APPROACH KANYE WEST’S LIKEABILITY RATING AMONG TAYLOR SWIFT FANS

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>CNN ESTIMATES D.C. PROTEST CROWD AT ‘PROBABLY A THOUSAND TO MAYBE MILLIONS OR WHATEVER’

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>OBAMA UNLEASHED: IF HEALTHCARE NOT PASSED, ‘BILLIONS WILL DIE, WORLD WILL END’

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>CNN: HYSTERICAL REPORT ON POTOMAC BOAT ATTACK WAS ONLY ‘NEWS TRAINING INCIDENT’

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>WHITE HOUSE REMEMBERS 9-11 WITH SPLIT SECOND OF SILENCE

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>NANCY KERRIGAN IGNORES THIRD FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST FROM TONYA HARDING

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>PRESIDENT OBAMA INTERRUPTS JOE WILSON’S ‘YOU LIE’ SPEECH WITH JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS

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>MICHELLE OBAMA EASILY WINS ARGUMENT AGAINST SPEECHLESS HUSBAND AS TELEPROMPTER PREPARES FOR TONIGHT’S SPEECH ON CAPITOL HILL

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>LOST ANIMAL CHARITY WORKERS PROVIDE FOOD FOR HUNGRY MOUNTAIN LION

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>EXCHANGE RATE JUMPS IN COSTLY NEW YORK CITY TO $50 USD = $1 NYD

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>’PANHANDLING TRAINING’ IN THIRD STIMULUS BILL PROMPTS CONCERN, APPLAUSE

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>SECURITY TIGHT AT MJ’S FORREST LAWN BURIAL; MEDIA PUSHED BACK TO ARIZONA

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>REPORT: OBAMA POLL NUMBERS INDICATE CLIMATE CHANGE MORE WIDESPREAD THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT

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>WHITE HOUSE PAY CZAR RECOMMENDS AWESOME PAY CZAR PAY RAISE

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>BATTLE BEGINS FOR KENNEDY’S SENATE STAPLER

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