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The Funny Side of Horribly Depressing News

>CHAUFFEUR ARRESTED FOR DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF TED KENNEDY’S BREATH

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>ALEC BALDWIN FAXES ‘SINCERE APOLOGY’ MEMORANDUM TO DAUGHTER’S PUBLICIST

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>RICHARD GERE DETAINED IN BANGLADESH FOR KISSING GERBIL

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>SENS. DODD AND BIDEN INTERRUPT DEMOCRATIC DEBATE WITH COMMENTS, OPINIONS

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>DEMOCRAT’S DEBATE PITS DENNIS KUCINICH AGAINST ‘MORE MANLY’ HILLARY CLINTON

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>RANDOM DRAWING FOR STAGE POSITIONS LANDS HILLARY IN OBAMA’S LAP FOR TONIGHT’S DEBATE

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>’SEVERANCE PACKAGE’ FOR DEFECTORS FROM CLINTON’S CAMPAIGN INCLUDES BRAND-NEW PAIR OF CONCRETE SHOES

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>JOHN McCAIN ATTEMPTS TO BOOST POLL NUMBERS BY ANNOUNCING CANDIDACY AGAIN

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>CLINTON STRATEGIST TO HILLARY: PLEASE DON’T USE ‘BLACK VOICE’ IN DEBATE WITH OBAMA

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>KAZAKHSTAN’S MAYDAY DISPLAY OF TANK FAILS TO CONVINCE WORLD OF ITS SUPERPOWER STATUS

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>CLINTON CAMPAIGN: SENATOR PLEASED WITH RESPONSE TO ‘BLACK VOICE’, MAY RELEASE RAP ALBUM

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>GORE PLANTS RAINFOREST IN SOUTH AMERICA TO OFFSET APRIL’S ENERGY CONSUMPTION AT VACATION COTTAGE

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>SEN. BIDEN: BUSH’S ‘STUBBORN ANTI-TERRORISM STANCE HAS EMBOLDENED THE ENEMY’

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>IRANIAN PRESIDENT OFFERS BUSH CHANCE TO DISCUSS ANNIHILATION OF ISRAEL ‘ONE ON ONE’

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>HILLARY CLINTON TO YOUNG VOTERS: ‘I ENJOY MY PERSONAL CHATS WITH YOU ALL BY GOOGLING TEXT MESSAGES BACK AND FORTH ON YOURTUBE.COM’

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>BARAK OBAMA: ‘WE MUST BAN GUNS FROM THE HANDS OF POTENTIAL MASS MURDERERS’

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>SEN. REID: BUSH’S WAR AGAINST IRAN HAS BEEN LOST

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>SEN. OBAMA RUBS SHOULDERS WITH REV. SHARPTON, TACKS TO THE BLACK TO WOO MINORITY VOTE

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>MICHAEL MOORE TO SHERYL CROW: ‘IS USING JUST ONE SQUARE OF MY CUSTOM TABLE CLOTH SIZED TOILET PAPER OK?’

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>SHERYL CROW ASKS ROVE TO PONDER GOV AGENCY TO REGULATE TOILET PAPER USE

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>SEN. CLINTON: LONG-LOST AFRICAN UNCLE IS REASON FOR ‘

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>ALEC BALDWIN TO DAUGHTER: ‘I DON’T GIVE A DAMN THAT YOU’RE 12 YEARS OLD OR 5 YEARS OLD OR WHATEVER, I’M GOING TO TEACH YOU A LESSON’

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>BREAKING: CHO’S GUN PURCHASE DID NOT INCLUDE PLEDGE TO NOT USE WEAPON IN MASS MURDERS

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>ALEC BALDWIN’S DAUGHTER ASKS WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM OFFICER TO ‘DOUBLE UP ON SECURITY’

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>HILLARY TURNS TO HUMAN PERSONALITY HORMONE TREATMENTS TO BOLSTER POLL NUMBERS

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>CLINTONS RECORD FOURTH CONSECUTIVE SCANDAL-FREE MONTH

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>SANJAYA’S RULE OF TERROR ENDS ON AMERICAN IDOL

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>FOX’S AMERICAN IDOL DEBUTS NEW, FATTER PAULA

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>ANTICIPATION MOUNTS AS JOHN McCAIN ANNOUNCES DATE AND TIME HE’LL DECLARE WHITE HOUSE RUN

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>IRAN’S AMADINEJAD OFFERS CONDOLENCES TO VIRGINIA TECH, PLEGES ANNIHILATION OF ISRAEL

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>EXXON MOBIL CHAIRMAN RAISES EYEBROWS AFTER OFFER TO PERSONALLY FUND IRAQ WAR

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>NEW CAUTIOUS STANCE TOWARDS ‘ODD-ACTING AND WEIRD’ INDIVIDUALS LANDS HOWARD DEAN IN UNEMPLOYMENT LINE

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>NY TIMES: GUNS KILL 30+ PEOPLE AT VIRGINIA TECH

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>JOHN EDWARDS DEFENDS PRICEY HAIRCUT: SAYS $100 OF $400 TOTAL WAS ‘A TIP FOR THE POOR STYLIST AT MY BOUTIQUE’

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>BUSH BURIED UNDER BLAME FOR HOUSING MARKET COLLAPSE, RISING GAS PRICES, AND VIRGINIA TECH SHOOTINGS

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>AL QAEDA HR SPOKESMAN: MONSTER.COM AD NETTED 200 TERROR RECRUITS

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>RAPPER EMINEM APOLOGIZES FOR ‘VIOLENT, IMUSESQUE LYRICS’

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>PETA BLASTS CHENEY FOR AIRCRAFT ATTACK ON BIRD

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>AL SHARPTON: ‘THE COUNTRY WILL BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT A STREAM OF HATE SPEECH ON THE RUSH LIMBAUGH, I MEAN DON IMUS SHOW EACH DAY’

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>IMUS MEETS SECRETLY WITH RUTGERS HOS, REQUESTS JOB IN COLLEGE’S ATHLETICS DEPARTMENT

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>CBS RADIO TO IMPLEMENT 7 SECOND DELAY ON IMUS PROGRAM TO PREVENT ‘MOUTH MALFUNCTIONS’

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>AL SHARPTON: RAP LYRICS ARE ‘MISUNDERSTOOD BY YOU PEOPLE’

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>IMUS TO MEET RUTGERS GIRLS AT CHENEY’S UNDISCLOSED LOCATION FOR HIGH LEVEL GROVELING

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>HOWARD STERN TO ‘TURN UP THE SMUT’ TO COMPETE WITH IMUS’ MEDIA COVERAGE

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>SEN. OBAMA OFFERS HILLARY CLINTON OPPORTUNITY TO SPEARHEAD ‘OVAL OFFICE INTERN FIREWALL’ FOR HIS ADMINISTRATION

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>AL SHARPTON CALLS DON IMUS ‘AN OVERWEIGHT RACIST BLACK FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE’

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>HILLARY CLINTON ‘CONCERNED’ ABOUT CHELSEA CLINTON DONATION TO OBAMA CAMPAIGN

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>IRAQ GENERAL: DEMOCRATS’ SURGE AGAINST VICTORY IS WORKING AS PLANNED

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>DENNIS KUCINICH FOR PRESIDENT WEBSITE GETS FIRST HIT

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>REUTERS REPORTER THINKS HIS ABILITY TO PRONOUCE COMPLEX MUSLIM NAMES MAKES HIM BETTER THAN VIEWERS

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