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The Funny Side of Horribly Depressing News

>DENNIS KUCINICH LAUNCHES CAMPAIGN TO LAND SPOT ON VH1’s ‘THE SURREAL LIFE’

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>EISNER-LESS DISNEY NO LONGER FUN FOR EISNER FAMILY

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>DEMONSTRATORS AT D.C. ANTI-WAR PROTEST LINK BUSH, LOCH-NESS MONSTER

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>DEMOCRATS: ‘BUSH LIED TO US AGAIN… HURRICANE RITA WAS NOTHING THAT HE CRACKED IT UP TO BE’

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>MEDIA: PREVIOUSLY APATHETIC BUSH NOW ‘OVERLY OBSESSED WITH HURRICANE RELIEF’

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>RUMORS OF GORE CHALLENGE TO HILLARY IN ’08 SENDS REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS INTO STITCHES

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>RITA WEAKENS: GALVESTONIANS RELIEVED AFTER EXPERTS PREDICT ‘DESTRUCTION’ OF CITY, NOT ‘ANNIHILATION’

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>SALES SLOW TO ‘A SLOW CRAWL’ FOR NEW PLAYBOY ISSUE FEATURING HELEN THOMAS CENTERFOLD

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>EXPERT: HURRICANE RITA REPRESENTS ‘GOD’S WRATH ON POLITICALLY-ACTIVE GAY GLOBAL WARMING NAYSAYERS’

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>NEW ORLEANS MAYOR NEGIN SUGGESTS GALVESTON ‘LEAVE BUSES TO HELP ABSORB FLOOD WATERS’

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>JOHN ROBERTS ASKS SEN. BIDEN TO ‘PLEASE ADDRESS ME AS CHIEF JUSTICE’

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>HURRICANE OPHELIA VICTIMS DEMAND ‘FREE FLAT SCREENS THAT THE NEW ORLEANS PEOPLE GOT’

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>EXPERT: BRITISH TEETH MAY TAKE ‘CENTURIES’ TO RECOVER

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>DELTA UN-DECLARES BANKRUPTCY; AIRLINE FORGOT ‘EMERGENCY CASH’ IN ASHTRAY

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>BRITNEY SPEARS GIVES BIRTH TO SPOILED RICH KID

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>SEN. BIDEN’S SENATE TERM EXPIRES DURING QUESTION TO JUDGE ROBERTS

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>POLL: BLACK PEOPLE DON’T KNOW THAT BUSH CARES ABOUT THEM

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>SEN. BIDEN REQUESTS TIME TO ASK JUDGE ROBERTS ‘A QUICK 55 MINUTE QUESTION’

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>JEB BUSH ASKED TO TUTOR KATHLEEN BLANCO ON ‘BASICS OF GOVERNORING’

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>DON KING LANDS PROMO DEAL FOR MAYOR NEGIN PAY-PER-VIEW PRESS CONFERENCE

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>EDUCATION DEPT TO GIVE OUT $2K DEBIT CARDS TO PUBLIC SCHOOL STUDENTS WHO FAIL ECONOMICS

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>RAY NEGIN NOMINATES SON AND SELF TO INVESTIGATE MAYOR’S OFFICE MISHANDLEAGE OF STORM AFTERMATH

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>LIBERALS: SADDAM’S DENIAL OF CHARGES IS PROOF OF HIS INNOCENCE

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>HURRICANE VICTIMS TO GET $2,000 HALLIBURTON GIFT CARDS

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>KAYNE WEST TO REPLACE MICHAEL MOORE IN SEAT NEXT TO JIMMY CARTER AT DEM’S 2008 NATIONAL CONVENTION

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>AL GORE, HOWARD DEAN SCHEDULED TO BLAME BUSH FOR HURRICANE CRISIS TODAY

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>BLACKS: BUSH DOESN’T CARE ABOUT KAYNE WEST AND SHOULD BE AUTHORIZED TO SHOOT AT HIM

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>BUSH ATTEMPTS TO SHIFT BLAME FOR HURRICANE BACK TO GOD, INFURIATES CHURCH-GOING TYPES

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>FEMA DIRECTOR BROWN: ‘I WAS NOT AWARE OF ANY HURRICANE-RELATED DAMAGE IN NEW ORLEANS UNTIL TOMORROW’

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>SHOCK OF KAYNE WEST NBC STATEMENT NOT RULED OUT IN REHNQUIST DEATH

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>PANIC IN NEW ORLEANS: SUPPLIES OF FOOD, WATER, FEMA DIRECTOR’S JOB SECURITY ALL WEARING THIN

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>AOL HEAD ENVISIONS ‘A DAY WHERE WE WILL BE ABLE TO CHAT BY VOICE OVER SOME ELECTRONIC MEDIUM’

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>STRANDED NEW ORLEANDERS OPEN FIRE ON EMERGENCY PERSONNEL ‘TO GET THEIR ATTENTION’

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>NEW ORLEANS MAYHEM: RESCUE CREWS SENT IN TO RESCUE RESCUE CREWS FROM ROVING GANGS OF ARMED DEMOCRATS

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>OFFICIALS: GAS SHORTAGE IS IMMINENT, DON’T GET GAS

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>DNC DENIES ITS 2008 NATIONAL CONVENTION IS CURRENTLY BEING HELD IN NEW ORLEANS

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>HURRICANE CRITICIZED FOR ‘KILLING THE WRONG PEOPLE’ IN WAKE OF LOOTING MADNESS

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