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>OPRAH’S OBVIOUS WEIGHT GAIN WOWS OSCARS

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>OLBERMANN APPLIES TO MEDICAL MARIJUANA SCHOOL

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>NESCAFE SALES SURGE ON GADDAFI REVELATION THAT BIN LADED IS ADDING HALLUCINOGENS

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>MIAMI BANKS OFFER PHAT LIQUIDATION-PRICED CONDOS TO OUSTED MIDEAST DESPOTS

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>WHITE HOUSE: INCOHERENT LIBYA RESPONSE DUE TO FAULTY TELEPROMPTER APP

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>LINDSAY LOHAN HAVING DIFFICULTY ADAPTING TO LIFE OUTSIDE PRISON

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>OBAMA OFFERS GADDAFI TELEPROMPTER FOR RAMBLING MONOLOGUES

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>WHITE HOUSE EXPRESSES ‘DEEP CONCERN’ OVER MAKING STATEMENT ON LIBYAN BLOODBATH

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>WISCONSIN UNIONS CLAIM CONSTRUCTION OF MONEY-PRINTING PRESS IS FOR ‘PEACEFUL PURPOSES ONLY’

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>GADDAFI GRANTED ASYLUM IN RAHM EMANUEL’S MAYORAL CABINET

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>INSPIRED BY MIDEAST, WEST VIRGINIAN HOUSEWIFE STARTS OWN REVOLUTION AGAINST FAMILY

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>CHIRPING CRICKETS HIRED TO GIVE WHITE HOUSE STATEMENT ON LIBYAN UNREST

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>CLINTON OKAYS IRANIAN WARSHIPS TO PASS THROUGH STATE OF ISRAEL

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>CHINA OFFERS TO FUND TANKS FOR WISCONSIN REVOLUTION

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>WISCONSIN UNIONS ENERGIZED BY MEDIA SUPERSTAR JESSE JACKSON

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>CONCERNS VOICED OVER GOOGLE LOGO ON WHITE HOUSE FACADE

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>REINCARNATED L. RON HUBBARD FOUND SINGING IN MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR

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>MIDEAST TENSIONS APPROACH 2026 LEVELS

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>ADVANCED LEVELS OF SCIENTOLOGY STILL NO MATCH FOR KIRSTIE ALLEY’S MASSIVE APPETITE

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>FACEBOOK UNVEILS ‘AUTOMATIC ANNOYING FRIEND DE-FRIENDER’

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>TEHRAN UNVEILS CIA PLOT TO INSTALL OBAMA CLONE TO NEUTER IRAN

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>LADY ANTEBELLUM WINS VINYL RECORD OF THE YEAR

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>CHRISTINA AGUILERA ACCIDENTALLY SINGS MISTAKE-FREE GRAMMY SOLO

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>NEW SPACE-SAVING KEYBOARD DITCHES RARELY-USED LETTER ‘Z’

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>OPRAH EXCLUSIVE: OBAMA CHANNELS RAMSES II FOR EGYPT POLICY

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>EGYPTIAN ARMY ORDERED TO STOP LAUGHING AT OBAMA, RESTORE ORDER

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>CIA DIRECTOR PANETTA CITES ‘STRONG LIKELIHOOD THAT MUBARAK MAY STEP BACK UP THIS EVENING’

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>MUBARAK STEPS DOWN, HANDS PRESIDENTIAL POWER OVER TO CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF MUBARAK

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>LINDSAY LOHAN HELD ON DRUNKEN GRAND THEFT AUTO WRECKLESS DRIVING JEWELRY HEIST ASSAULT CHARGE

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>GUY IN JAR JAR BINKS COSTUME STILL WONDERING WHY AMERICAN IDOL JUDGES DIDN’T APPRECIATE HIS AWESOME VOICE

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>MUBARAKCARE PROMISED TO APPEASE ANGRY EGYPTIANS

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>REHABBED SHEEN PLANS RETURN TO MULTI-DAY BENDERING

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>INSTIGATOR JOHN BOEHNER CHAIN-SMOKING IN FRONT OF OBAMA

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>DETROIT REQUESTS FEDERAL AID: PLEAS FOR OBAMA VACATION

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>FDA TO INVESTIGATE OBAMA SMOKES FOR HALLUCINOGENS

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>CURRENT TV’S 93% NORTH KOREAN VIEWERSHIP APPLAUDS OLBERMANN ADDITION

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>L.A. LAKERS FANS WONDERING WHY GREEN BAY HASN’T BEEN BURNED DOWN YET

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>BRETT FAVRE: ‘I’M BACK, PLEASE?’

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>RITZ CRACKERS’ SUPER BOWL PIZZA HUT PREGAME SHOW SPONSORED BY NABISCO AND SOME OTHER CORPORATION FEATURES NON-STOP KEITH URBAN NOISE

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>OBAMA RELEASES FOREIGN AID PLA, PROMISES MORE OVERSEAS VACATIONS

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>WHITE HOUSE DEFENDS TAXPAYER-FUNDED 45 MINUTE OBAMACARE COMMERCIAL FOR SUPERBOWL

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>OBAMA DUMPS MUBARAK, BLAMES EGYPTIAN SAND TRAPS

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>WHITE HOUSE IGNORES AMERICANS’ CALL FOR QUICK AND PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF POWER IN WHITE HOUSE

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>MIDEAST UNREST INTERRUPTS OBAMA’S LASERLIKE FOCUS ON DECREASING EMPLOYMENT

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>ACORN BOASTS SHOVEL-READY PROJECT: CHICAGO CEMETARIES CULLED FOR VOTERS

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