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The Funny Side of Horribly Depressing News

>FRED THOMPSON RUNNING FOR WHITE HOUSE TO BRING ATTENTION TO FRIEND’S FRED THOMPSON BOOK

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>EXPERT: HOT AIR FROM DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGNS CONTRIBUTING TO GLOBAL CLIMATE CRISIS

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>DENNIS KUCINICH BLAMES NEGATIVE DIGIT POLL NUMBERS ON ‘CAMPAIGN CLIMATE CHANGE’

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>BUSH TAPS HILLARY CLINTON TO RUN THE WORLD BANK ‘FOR THE NEXT DECADE OR SO’

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>TB MAN SEEKS TREATMENT, PLEADS WITH U.S. OFFICIALS FOR PASSAGE TO CUBA

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>POLICE: VANILLA ICE DUI WAS ATTEMPT TO REVIVE FAILED CAREER

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>NANCY PELOSI RETURNS FROM GREENLAND: ‘THERE WAS FEWER CARIBOU, MORE ICE, AND A NOTICEABLY HIGHER LEVEL OF OZONE SINCE MY LAST VISIT’

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>MICHELLE OBAMA DEFENDS DECISION TO LEAVE CAREER, SAYS ‘A WOMAN’S PLACE IS ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL’

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>CANNES FILM FESTIVAL AWARDS SUBTITLED ‘DARK COMEDY’ GAY ANTI-BUSH SLASHER FILM TOP HONORS

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>SHOCKING NEW BOOK ALLEGES BILL CLINTON INFEDELITIES

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>PETA URGES ‘MORE HUMANE TREATMENT’ OF ROSIE O’DONNELL

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>’THE VIEW’ RETURNS TO NORMAL VOLUME, WEIGHT LEVELS

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>U.N. APPLAUDS IRAN FOR PLEDGE TO ‘DISOBEY MORE DIPLOMATICALLY’

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>ROSALYN CARTER FINDS HUSBAND’S REMAINING CREDIBILITY AMONG LINT IN TROUSER POCKET

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>PEACEFUL STRIP: CASUALTIES SLOW TO ‘A BUNCH’ IN GAZA TODAY

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>BUSH MOCKS BUMPER STICKER SLOGAN ‘EDWARDS FOR PRESIDENT’

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>IRAN TO IAEA: NEW 10 MEGATON NUCLEAR MISSILES ARE INTENDED TO MEET COUNTRY’S ENERGY NEEDS

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>TAYLOR HICK’S AMERICAN IDOL CROWN REVOKED AFTER BORING PRE-RESULTS SHOW INTERVIEW PERFORMANCE

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>BUSH TO EASE GAS CONCERNS BY TELLING AMERICANS ABOUT EUROPEAN PETROL PRICES

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>IRAN IGNORES IAEA CALL TO HALT URANIUM ENRICHMENT; U.N. URGES RESTRAINT, CONDEMNS ISRAEL

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>REPUBLICANS MANAGE TO GET ADDITIONAL FOUR FEET ADDED TO PROPOSED BORDER FENCE

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>BUSH: IMMIGRATION BILL WILL PROMOTE U.S. ‘MULTICOUNTRYISM’

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>PUBLIC DISPLAY OF MEMORIAL DAY DECORATIONS PROMPTS ACLU LAWSUIT

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>FRED THOMPSON’S REQUEST FOR SECRET SERVICE PROTECTION ESCALATES CANDIDACY RUMORS

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>FORBES: OBAMA CANDIDACY SLOWS SALES OF ANTI-HILLARY CLINTON T-SHIRTS, BUMPER STICKERS

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>DENNIS KUCINICH CALLS PRESS CONFERENCE AFTER SECOND LIFE CHARACTER WINS STRAW POLL

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>LEONARDO DICAPRIO AND MICHAEL MOORE GAIN ON GORE IN PRESIDENTIAL POLL AMONG ‘PROGRESSIVES’

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>NEW DISCOUNT AIRLINE SKYBUS REQUIRES PASSENGERS TO ASSIST PREPARING FOOD, FUELING AND DE-ICING PLANES

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>NEW AIR AMERICA WEBSITE TO FEATURE CAFE PRESS T-SHIRT STORE, GOOGLE ADS, AND FONT SIZE ADJUSTMENT TOOL

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>DONALD TRUMP YANKS ‘THE APPRENTICE’ FROM NBC TO AVOID SHOW FROM BEING AXED LAST WEEK

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>CONCERNED CITIZENS FLOOD DEPT. OF HOMELAND SECURITY WITH ALERTS

>CALLS REPORT 'SUSPICIOUS ANTI-AMERICAN BEHAVIOR' IN AND AROUND SENATE CHAMBERS AT U.S. CAPITOL

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>SHOCK JOCK RUSH LINBAUGH REFUSES TO APOLOGIZE FOR EXCHANGING PLEASANTRIES WITH FORMER PRESIDENT CLINTON DURING CHANCE MEETING

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>MEDIA STARS JOIN CNN TO CELEBRATE LARRY KING’S 100TH YEAR ON THE AIR

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>JOHN TRAVOLTA THREATENS SCIENTOLOGY DETRACTOR WITH ‘THE WRATH OF XENU, OUR ALIEN FATHER’

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>BRITAIN’S PRINCE HARRY YANKED FROM IRAQ WAR ASPIRATIONS; BRITISH GOV SAYS HARRY’S INEVITABLE DEATH WOULD BE ‘BAD FOR THIS COUNTRY’

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>RON PAUL CLARIFIES 9-11 POSITION: ‘IT WAS OUR FAULT, BUT AT LEAST WE DIDN’T CARRY OUT THE ATTACK… THE JEWS DID’

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>MIKE HUCKABEE ON EDWARDS JAB: MY WRITERS WOULDN’T LET ME SWAP ‘BEAUTY SHOP’ WITH ‘BATH HOUSE’

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>HILLARY FOR PRESIDENT CAMPAIGN STAFF HUDDLES TO DRAFT SEN. CLINTON’S FEELINGS ON FALWELL PASSING

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>HILLARY CLINTON CALLS ON SENATE FOR VOTE TO REVOKE HER WAR VOTE

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>DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES AND JOHN McCAIN HEAP PRAISE ON ‘AGENT OF INTOLERANCE’ JERRY FALWELL

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>JOHN EDWARDS FROM IOWA CHURCH PULPIT: ‘RELIGION HAS HIJACKED THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES’

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>WOMAN PRESUMPTUOUSLY REACHES BENEATH CHAIR AT OPRAH SHOW TAPING, FINDS NOTHING

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>PARIS HILTON’S PSYCHIATRIST: HEIRESS SUFFERING FROM SEVERE EMOTIONAL STRESS OVER THOUGHT OF HAVING TO THINK ABOUT PRISON

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>BUSH PREEMPTS DEMOCRATS, APOLOGIZES FOR SINKING ALASKAN CRUISE SHIP

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>LIBERALS COMPLAIN OF CHENEY’S ‘INTOLERANT ANTI-IRAN RHETORIC’

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>SEN. OBAMA FAULTS BUSH FOR ‘THE BILLIONS DEAD IN KANSAS FROM THAT NUCLEAR ATTACK’

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>CHRIS DODD OVERDRAWS CAMPAIGN ACCOUNT WITH GAS AND SOFT DRINK PURCHASE

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>SECRET SERVICE DELEGATES PROTECTION OF CANDIDATE JOHN EDWARDS TO LOCAL GIRL SCOUTS DEN

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>MICHAEL MOORE OFFERS TO PUT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE DENNIS KUCINICH ‘OUT OF HIS MISERY’ WITH ENDORSEMENT

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>ANTICIPATION MOUNTS AS FRED THOMPSON EXPECTED TO NOT ANNOUNCE CANDIDACY DURING SPEECH TODAY

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