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>MATT KENSETH INVITES KYLE BUSH TO LOCAL PARKING LOT FOR STICK SHIFT TRAINING

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>BRITISH TV STATION FIRES HEADLESS NEWS ANCHOR FOR SUPPOSEDLY ‘SCARING OFF VIEWERS’

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>CALIFORNIA WOES WORSEN WITH NEW SHORTAGE OF SIZE 10.5 BOWLING SHOES

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>OBAMA SUPPORTERS APPLAUD BRILLIANT ‘WIN THROUGH SURRENDER’ IRAQ STRATEGY

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>OBAMA APPLAUDS SOLDIERS’ ‘FIGHT AGAINST TYRANNY’, SAYS WAR HAS BEEN WON AGAINST BUSH

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>GOLF VIEWERSHIP SETTLES BACK TO NEAR-ZERO AFTER TIGER’S EARLY EXIT

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>CITIGROUP DECLARES 100-FOR-1 BAG OF RICE REVERSE STOCK SPLIT

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>ECO-FRIENDLY COMPANY’S NEW ‘GREEN’ INITIATIVE EXPECTED TO SAVE TENS

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>OBAMA BUDGET INCLUDES $1 BILLION FOR BUDGET PACKAGE PRINTING COST

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>GOP ISSUES EARLY RESPONSE TO OBAMA’S 2012 FAREWELL SPEECH

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>OBAMA FAILS TO MENTION CHAPPAQUIDDICK WHEN GIVING NOD TO SEN. TED KENNEDY

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>OCTOMOM RUSHES TO OBAMA SPEECH ROPELINE FOR MORE TV TIME

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>CONTROVERSIAL OBAMA SPEECH EXCERPT LEAKED: ‘MY FELLOW AMERICANS,’

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>WHITE HOUSE PUSHES DETROIT TO BEGIN PRODUCING CARS THAT RUN ON FAIRY DUST

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>MSNBC’S CHRIS MATTHEWS REMINISCES ABOUT ‘REAGAN’S OBAMAESQUE SPEECHES’

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>ANALYST: LAST REMAINING INVESTMENT SHOWING PROMISE IS IRANIAN NUKE BUSINESS

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>GLENN BECK’S RATINGS DROP DESPITE DAILY WARNINGS ABOUT DEATH AND DESTRUCTION TO ALL

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>NBC’S DAVID GREGORY: ‘OBAMA’S SPEECH TONIGHT IS ORGASMIC. I’LL HOPEFULLY BE ABLE TO PEEK AT A TRANSCRIPT LATER TODAY’

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>NEW ORLEANS TO THROW EXTRAVAGANT MARDI GRAS PARTY DESPITE NO MEANS TO PAY FOR IT

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>OBAMA TO CALM UNEASY NATION WITH NEWS THAT AMERICA ‘IS MORE THAN PREPARED’ FOR BATTLE OF ARMAGEDDON

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>GOP SENATOR FINISHES READING STIMULUS BILL, SAYS ‘HOLY MOLY, HAS ANYONE READ THIS CRAP YET?’

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>RUNNING OUT OF TAX-PAYING CANDIDATES, OBAMA TAPS CARROT TOP FOR COMMERCE SECRETARY

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>NERVOUS INVESTORS MOVING MONEY OUT OF GOLD, INTO PRECIOUS MACH III RAZORS

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>’GRATUITOUS NUDITY’ LANDS ‘R’ RATING FOR MOVIE ABOUT MEDIA’S LOVE AFFAIR WITH OBAMA

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>FEDS EYE CHINATOWN WATCH KNOCKOFF VENDORS FOR NATIONALIZATION

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>OBAMA TO BEGIN PROMOTING STIMULUS II, SAYS FIRST $1 TRILLION ‘DIDN’T DO ANYTHING BUT MAKE PEOPLE MAD’

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>RELIEF ON WALL STREET AS STOCKS SUFFER ‘ONLY A MODERATE COLLAPSE’

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>CHRIS BROWN TO TAKE ‘SAFER REFUGE’ IN THE GAZA STRIP AFTER RIHANNA BEATING

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>CIA DIRECTOR PANETTA OVERHEARD ASKING ‘WHAT DOES CIA STAND FOR?’ AFTER SWEARING-IN

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>NY TIMES STRUGGLING TO SELL PAPERS AT NEW 5 CENT PRICE POINT

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>OBAMA EMBARKS ON FIRST FOREIGN TRIP TO MASSACHUSETTS

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>OBAMA RELIEVES DISTRESSED HOMEOWNERS OF MORTGAGES, PLEDGES TO OFFER ‘SIMILAR RELIEF’ TO GUN OWNERS

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>GUY WITH TIME MACHINE RETURNS FROM 2015 WITH BANANA THAT COST 5,000 U.S. EUROS

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>CALIFORNIA PULLED FROM BAY AFTER APPARENT SUICIDE JUMP ATTEMPT FROM GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE

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>GM NEEDS ‘TRILLIONS AND TRILLIONS MORE’ TO MAKE IT TO 5 P.M. TODAY

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>OBAMA ACCIDENTALLY SWAPS ‘THE ECONOMIC CRISIS’ WITH ‘THIS COUNTRY’ WHEN DESCRIBING STIMULUS AS ‘BEGINNING OF THE END’

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>DOW CELEBRATES OBAMA STIMULUS SIGNING BY DUMPING MOST VALUE

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>POLICE: BEHEADED MUSLIM WIFE HAD QUESTIONED ‘THE PEACE-LOVING KINDNESS’ OF ISLAM

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>OBAMA’S REQUEST TO ‘EXIT PRESIDENCY, RETURN TO CAMPAIGNING’ DENIED

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>PRESIDENT OBAMA TO TAKE OFF VALENTINE’S DAY FOR BED & BREAKFAST RENDEZVOUS WITH MAINSTREAM MEDIA

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>BRETT FAVRE MAKES HISTORIC COMEBACK AFTER EXITING THE NFL EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON

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>OBAMA SAYS FAILURE TO PASS STIMULUS WILL MAKE ‘ARMEGEDDON OF GENESIS LOOK LIKE A DAY AT DISNEYLAND’

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>FORWARD-THINKING LAWMAKERS WRITE 2012 ECONOMIC STIMULUS FAILURE BAILOUT BILL

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>OBAMA ASKS SENATE TO PASS STIMULUS ‘QUICKLY, IN ORDER TO TACKLE THE BIGGER PROBLEM OF ATHLETE STEROID ABUSE’

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>FRAZZLED OBAMA MISTAKENLY COMPARES STIMULUS PACKAGE TO JONESTOWN KOOLAID

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>RAHM EMANUEL’S FINGERPRINTS FOUND ON HORSE HEAD IN GOP SENATOR’S BED

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>OBAMA CONCEDES ON STIMULUS OVERHAUL, AGREES TO REMOVE $100 MILLION FOR RAINBOW-COLORED PROPELLER HATS

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>$25 MILLION ADDED TO STIMULUS BILL TO COVER COSTS OF PRINTING PAPER COPY OF STIMULUS BILL

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>U.S. GOV TURNS ATTENTION FROM APOCALYPSE TO TACKLE BAD PEANUT BUTTER PROBLEM

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>OBAMA PARDONS, TAPS BERNIE MADOFF TO OVERSEE ADMIN’S ‘FINANCIAL ETHICS AND TRANSPARENCY’ INITIATIVE

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