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KEITH OLBERMANN LEAVES CURRENT TV FOR MORE LUCRATIVE LANDSCAPING GIG

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U.S. TO SOLICIT FOREIGN AID FROM HAITI

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RUDY GIULIANI’S EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE CAN’T BELIEVE HE FELL FOR THEIR ‘YOU TOTALLY CAN WIN THIS THING’ PRANK

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OPRAH DELIVERS SERMON ON MOUNT OPRAH ON LAST OPRAH SHOW

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AIDE FAXES OBAMA’S HEARTFELT SUPPORT TO JOPLIN TORNADO VICTIMS

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HAROLD CAMPING BLAMES ‘STUPID CALCULATOR’ FOR DOOMSDAY MISCALCULATION

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NETANYAHU RESISTING WHITE HOUSE’S PLAN FOR MIDEAST PEACELESSNESS

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EUROPEAN STATESMAN OBAMA PREPARING FOR GOLFING TRIP TO U.S.

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NEW CAMPING PROPHECY: RAPTURE ‘RELATIVELY SOON APPROXIMATELY’

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CNN SHOWS LIVE FOOTAGE OF CHRISTIAN OBAMA TO PROVE RAPTURE HASN’T HAPPENED

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NETANYAHU REJECTS OBAMA’S OFFER TO DESTROY ISRAEL

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OWNER OF CUTTING-EDGE FLOORING COMPANY EXCITED TO BE ON THE TWITTER

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NEW CHICAGO MAYOR RAHM EMANUEL ORDERS CONCRETE SHOES FOR POLITICAL OPPOSITION

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TRUMP BAILS ON PRESIDENTIAL BID, OPENS ROOM FOR MORE SERIOUS CANDIDATES LIKE CARROT TOP

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PALIN KNOCKS OBAMA’S ‘DRILL BABY DRILL’ BATTLE CRY

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NEW ‘BRUT FOR HER’ PARFUM A BIG HIT IN FRANCE

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CHEERING JAPANESE AUDIENCE ASSUMED AMERICAN ROCK STAR JUST SAID SOMETHING COOL

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SEARCH FOR UNBIASED CASEY ANTHONY JURORS AMONG AMAZONIAN NATIVES UNSUCCESSFUL

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MICHELLE MODELS CAMO BARACK PERSONALLY SELECTED FOR BIN LADEN RAID

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CHINA QUALIFIES OBAMA FOR PUBLIC CAMPAIGN FINANCING

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OBAMA CLAIMS MERCY KILLING OF OBL TO SPARE HIM WATERBOARDING

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NON-CONTESTANT TIGER WOODS WINS NBC’S ‘BIGGEST LOSER’

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GOOGLE MOVES TROOPS CLOSER TO FACEBOOK’S BORDER

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BIG OIL TO BUY U.S. GOVERNMENT, PUT END TO STUPID TAXES

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GADDAFI DIVES BEHIND COUCH AT TELEVISION DOCUMENTARY’S MENTION OF SEALS

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OBAMA PAYS TRIBUTE TO FLOOD VICTIMS WITH LOOK OUT WINDOW DURING AIR FORCE ONE FLYOVER

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MAN CAUGHT BETWEEN MICHELLE OBAMA AND TAMALE RUSHED TO D.C. HOSPITAL

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BIN LADEN BUMP MOVES OBAMA UP TO ‘MAJORITY STRONGLY DISAPPROVES’

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NAME CONFUSION PLAGUES MEDIA; EVEN OBAMA ACCIDENTALLY CALLING SELF ‘OSAMA’

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CEILING-HIGH PILE OF PEN PAL NOTES FROM MICHAEL MOORE LANDS BIN LADEN LAIR ON HOARDERS

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U.S. CONSIDERS DISPATCHING JUNCTION CITY KANSAS’ ELKS LODGE NO. 1037 TO CONQUER INEPT PAKISTANI MILITARY

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BIN LADEN SURPRISED THAT VIRGINS IN PARADISE ARE INVISIBLE, ALL ON FIRE, AND SMELL LIKE SULFUR

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OBAMA BIRTH DOC FRAUD COMPLICATES OSAMA DEATH PIC STREET CRED

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BUSH BAGS BIN LADEN DESPITE BEING SUCCEEDED BY OBAMA

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KATE MIDDLETON ATTENDS SISTER PIPPA’S SPECTACULAR MAID OF HONOR APPEARANCE AT SOME WEDDING

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LEONARD NIMOY FINALLY FINDS BELIEVABLE BODY DOUBLE TO ATTEND STUPID STAR TREK CONVENTIONS

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