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>GLOBAL WARMING CONTINUES TO IRONICALLY BLANKET SOUTH WITH ICE

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>CALIFORNIA ON THE BRINK: STATE BORROWS $8 FROM LEMONADE STAND KID TO SURVIVE THROUGH WEEKEND

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>U.S. TV VIEWERS OUTRAGED AS STATE OF UNION PREEMPTS COOL iPAD COMMERCIALS

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>TOYOTA TO OFFER FREE STUNT CRASH DRIVING TRAINING WITH VEHICLE PURCHASES

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>OBAMA’S TELEPROMPTER PREPARING FOR THE ‘MOST IMPORTANT’ SPEECH OF ITS PRESIDENCY

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>OBAMA EXPECTED TO SAY ‘ERA OF RIDICULOUSLY HUMONGOUS GOVERNMENT IS UNFORTUNATELY ALMOST OVER’ IN STATE OF UNION

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>WHITE HOUSE SPOKESLIBERALS: RECOVERY EFFORTS HAVE SAVED BETWEEN ‘HUNDREDS’ AND ‘HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS’ OF JOBS

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>BIN LADEN ELUDES CAPTURE AGAIN, HAND-DELIVERS LATEST TAPE DIRECTLY TO JANET NAPOLITANO

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>AIR AMERICA SUCCUMBS TO HOSTILE TAKEOVER BY LEMONADE STAND KID

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>TIGER WOODS PASSES SEX REHAB’S FINAL EXAM, SHOWS NO INTEREST IN CHICKS

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>IRRITATED GORE CAN NOW SEE EXPANDING POLAR ICE CAP FROM HIS HOUSE

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>SAN FRANCISCO COURTS RUSH LIMBAUGH FOR MAYOR SPOT

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>RACIST ‘PANTS ON THE GROUND’ HIT SINGLE SPARKS SHARPTON’S IRE

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>PELOSI: HEALTHCARE BILL WILL ‘HAVE TO BE PRIED FROM MY CURRENTLY COLD, DEAD FINGERS’

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>MASS DEMS URGE CAUTION FOR REPUBLICAN VOTERS’ OUT IN ‘TODAY’S HORRIBLY DANGEROUS WEATHER’

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>DEMS URGE RECOUNT OF MASSACHUSETTS ELECTION; POLLS OPEN SOON

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>BILL CLINTON FINALLY VISITS SITE OF ’93 WORLD TRADE CENTER BOMBING

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>HAITIANS REJECT ASSISTANCE OFFER FROM RAY NAGIN

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>DISASTER AID DONATIONS POURING INTO HAITI, MASSACHUSETTS

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>TIGER WOODS TO DONATE $3 MILLION TO AID HAITI, WOODS’ IMAGE

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>BUSH, FEMA CRITICIZED FOR DELAYED HAITI EARTHQUAKE RESPONSE

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>LENO RESTORED TO TONIGHT SHOW; AMERICANS MULL SIMILAR ARRANGEMENT FOR BUSH, PRESIDENCY

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>WHITE HOUSE: HAITIAN QUAKE ‘NOT ENTIRELY’ BUSH’S FAULT

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>REPORT: GORE, TIGER HEADED TO WARMER CLIMATE

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>SEN. REID: ‘SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE CLEAN, ARTICULATE LIGHT-SKINNED NEGROE TYPES’

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>TMZ: BLURRY PHOTO CAPTURES TIGER, ELVIS, AND LOCH NESS MONSTER AT ORLANDO PERKINS

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>AL GORE LEAVES HIBERNATION TO WARN OF DANGEROUSLY EXPANDING POLAR ICECAP

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>MILLIONS OF UNEDUCATED PEOPLE WONDERING WHERE THE GLOBAL WARMING IS

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>IRANIAN HOMELAND SECURITY PUTS TERRORIST JOHN KERRY ON NO-FLY LIST

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>WHITE HOUSE EXPERT: BUSH STILL AT FAULT FOR A WHOLE MESS OF THINGS

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>NAPOLITANO ANNOUNCES ‘A COMPREHENSIVE SECURITY PLAN’ TO SECURE HER EMPLOYMENT

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