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>LEAK: OBAMA ORIGINALLY PUSHED CHRYSLER TO PARTNER WITH SECTOR 9 SKATEBOARDS

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>BANK LEAVES TARP MONEY AT GEITHNER FRONT DOOR, KNOCKS, RUNS AWAY

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>CDC: NEW 109,000,001 ‘SUSPECTED SWINE FLU CASES’ INCLUDE ENTIRE MEXICAN POPULATION, GUY FROM PHOENIX

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>MASSACHUSETTS TO OFFER ADJUSTABLE RATE MONTH-TO-MONTH MARRIAGE CONTRACTS

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>MEXICO CITY RESIDENT FLEES TO SAFER REFUGE IN THE GAZA STRIP

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>SPECTER ADMITS PARTY SWITCH MOTIVATED BY DESIRE TO STAY EMPLOYED IN CRUMBLING ECONOMY

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>OBAMA: ‘THERE’S NO REASON TO PANIC YET OVER THIS SWINE FLU I INHERITED’

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>DEMOCRATS ISSUE KNEE-JERK SWINE FLU BUSH BLAME

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>DIAL LAUNCHES ANTIBACTERIAL IN NEW 55 GALLON DRUM SIZED CONTAINERS

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>ARLEN SPECTER FINALLY OUTS SELF AS A DEMOCRAT, WILL REMAIN IN DEMOCRATIC PARTY

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>OBAMA SCRAMBLES TO FIND INCOME TAX-PAYING HHS SECRETARY AS SWINE FLU SPREADS

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>SUSPECTED SWINE FLU CASE TURNS OUT TO ONLY BE NEWLY-MUTATED AVIAN BIRD FLU

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>SPRAWLING ADDITION TO OVAL OFFICE TO PROVIDE ROOM FOR NEW ‘CRISIS INBOX’

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>VEGETARIANS USE SWINE FLU PANDEMIC AS ANOTHER EXCUSE TO NOT EAT TASTY PIGS

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>OBAMA PROPOSES IRONIC PORK-FILLED ANTI-SWINE FLU SPENDING BILL

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>NY TIMES: TOP-SECRET ISRAELI STEALTH ATTACK ON IRAN PLANNED FOR JULY 14, 5:35 P.M. TEHRAN TIME

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>SWINE FLU OUTBREAK PROMPTS OBAMA WHITE HOUSE TO REITERATE NEED FOR ADDITIONAL GUN CONTROL MEASURES

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>SWINE FLU OUTBREAK HAMPERS PREVIOUSLY-THRIVING MEXICO CITY PIG STY TOURS

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>FORD FINISHES BURNING THROUGH REST OF CASH, COLLAPSES ON CFO’S $24.36 LUNCH TAB

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>MICHAEL MOORE INFLUENZA MUTATES INTO SWINE FLU, PROMPTS PANDEMIC FEARS

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>McCAIN ’08 CAMPAIGN FINALLY LAUNCHES FACEBOOK PRESENCE

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>HILLARY CLINTON OVERHEARD ON D.C. PAYPHONE CONFERENCING WITH HER 2012 EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE

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>CHRYSLER BOARD ACCEPTS BUYOUT OFFER FROM MIKE’S WINGS-N-THINGS

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>HACKERS CRACK ‘SECURE’ OBAMA BLACKBERRY, FIND ‘THE COMMUNIST MANIFESTO FOR DUMMIES’ eBOOK

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>JUSTICE DEPT DENIES OBAMA REQUEST TO LABEL FOX NEWS CRITICISM AS ‘TORTURE’

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>OBAMA UP TO THREE PACKS A DAY

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>NY TIMES’ RENT CHECK BOUNCES, SISTER PAPER COVERS $32 OVERDRAFT FEE

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>CRAIGSLIST MOVES TO PURGE SITE OF FRAUDULENT LISTINGS, SERIAL KILLERS

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>OBAMA ASKS CABINET TO HELP OFFSET $11 TRILLION DEFICIT BY USING ‘ONE, OR LESS, SQUARE OF TOILET PAPER’

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>BARNEY FRANK FLIES WEST TO ANSWER SCREECHING PEREZ HILTON MATING CALL

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>MEGHAN McCAIN MISPRONOUNCES ‘MEGHAN’ DURING EXCORIATION OF GOP

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>KEITH OLBERMANN CHALLENGES MSNBC IN RACE TO 100 FOLLOWERS ON TWITTER

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>OBAMA DECLARES END TO WAR ON OVERSEAS MAN-MADE ACCIDENTAL CATASTROPHES

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>OBAMA ON CHAVEZ-GIFTED ANTI-U.S. BOOK: ‘I LAUGHED, I CRIED, IT WAS LIKE I WROTE IT MYSELF’

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>WHITE HOUSE ASKS UNIVERSITY TO UNCOVER ‘WE WORSHIP THIS MAN’ ENGRAVING ON OBAMA LECTURN

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>NAPOLITANO ISSUES NEW WARNING AGAINST ‘RIGHT-WING PIRATES TRYING TO HIJACK THE PRESIDENT’S AGENDA’

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>OBAMA BREAKS ANOTHER CAMPAIGN PROMISE, BE-FRIENDS HUGO CHAVEZ ON FACEBOOK

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>HOMELAND SECURITY ON ALERT AS RIGHT-WING EXTREMIST TERROR CELLS MEET, PLOT IN CHURCHES ACROSS COUNTRY

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>MADDEN: ‘RETIREMENT IS ABOUT NOT WORKING ANYMORE, SO WHAT YOU’VE GOT TO DO IS NOT WORK’

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>NAPOLITANO APOLOGIZES FOR ‘INAPPROPRIATE AND OUT OF LINE’ RIGHT-WING EXTREMIST REPORT, AGREES TO LEFT-JUSTIFY SECTION HEADERS, CHANGE FONT

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>JENEANE GARAFOLO: RACIST ‘HEROES’ FANS HATE ’24’ FOR INCLUDING NON-VILLIAN BLACKS

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>TERRORIST ‘PSYCHOLOGICALLY BATTERED’ AFTER BABY BUTTERLY TORTURE HORROR

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>ANDERSON COOPER ON BEING BEAT IN RATINGS BY RACHEL MADDOW: ‘I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M LOSING TO THIS GUY’

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>RECESSION REACHES GOOGLE; TECH GIANT TO MOW EMPLOYEE PUTTING GREEN ONLY TWICE A DAY

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>MATTEL SPOKESPERSON: TOYS ARE NOW 63% TOXIC CHEMICAL FREE

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>EMBARASSED TREASURY DEPT. RECALLS TAX EVASION INVESTIGATORS FROM MICHAEL SCOTT PAPER CO.

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>BARNEY FRANK CHASTISES MSNBC ANCHORS FOR ‘TAKING TEABAGGING’S NAME IN VAIN’

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>GM DECRIES CHRYSLER’S ‘AT LEAST WE’RE NOT GM’ AD CAMPAIGN

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>OBAMA: ‘I WAS HAPPY TO HEAR FROM MY HANDLERS THAT THERE’S BEEN TEA PARTY CELEBRATIONS ACROSS THE COUNTRY ON THIS GREAT DAY’

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>HOMELAND SECURITY: EXTREMIST RIGHT WING TERRORISTS HOST TEA PARTIES TO PROTEST ‘INVESTING IN AMERICA’

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