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>REPORT: SEN. CLINTON WALKS FINE LINE BETWEEN OPPOSING AMERICA AND WANTING TO BE ITS PRESIDENTRESS

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>NEW IPOD TO HOLD UP TO ONE TRILLION SONGS, DEPENDING ON FILE SIZE

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>BUSH: ‘VICTORY WILL COME WHEN IRAQ IS NO LONGER A SAFE HAVEN FOR IBERAL DEMOCRATS PLOTTING ATTACKS ON OUR NATION’

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>HOLIDAY RETAIL REPORT: POPULAR G.I. JOE DOLLS LOSING GROUND TO XBOX’S SOFT PORN VIDEO ‘GAME’ TITLES

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>AL FRANKEN COMEDY GIG CANCELED DESPITE HILARIOUS ‘BUSH THE BABY LLER’ BIT

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>SCIENTIST CONFIRMS: LARRY KING STILL ALIVE

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>LIBERALS ARMOR-UP FOR BATTLES OVER ‘OFFENSIVE CHRISTMAS SLANT’ ON HOLIDAY SEASON

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>FLAVOR FLAV FAN CLUB RETRACTS BANKRUPTCY APPLICATION IN WAKE OF W MILLER BEER COMMERCIAL GIG

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>REPORT: CHANUKWANZAMAS HOLIDAY SEASON NEARING ‘OFFENSELESS POLITICAL PERFECTION’

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>TED TURNER: KIM JONG IL IS ‘NO DIFFERENT THAN YOU, ME, OR DR. PHIL’

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>KERRY-EDWARDS BUMPER STICKERS REACH MONDALE-FERRARO STATUS

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>RAMSEY CLARK: I CHOSE TO DEFEND SADDAM BECAUSE I MISSED OUT ON DEFENDING O.J., BUNDY, AND DAHMER

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>NEW YORK TIMES: LITTLE-KNOWN BROADCASTER RUSH LIMBAUGH MAKING BIG WAVES

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>LAWYER IN SADDAM CASE DIES OF ‘NATURAL GUN WOUNDS’

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>QUAGMIRES REPORTED AT 18 MALLS NATIONWIDE

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>REPORT: ALAN COLMES TO RENOUNCE LIBERALISM ON HIS DEATH BED

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>POLL: SHAPE OF CRANBERRY SAUCE STILL TRUMPS POLITICS AS PREFERRED THANKSGIVING DINNER DISCUSSION TOPIC

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>BUSH MAKES THANKSGIVING CALL TO CINDY SHEEHAN ‘TO THANK HER FOR HER SERVICE’

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>HAPPY HOLIDAYS: WAL-MART ASSAULTS, LOOTING WIDESPREAD

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>EXPERT ON CHANCE OF BIRD FLU OCCURRING IN ANY OF 45 MILLION THANKSGIVING TURKEYS: ‘WE’LL HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE NOW, WON’T WE?’

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>DNC CHAIR DEAN: SEN. KERRY’S ‘UNBELIEVABLE’ PERFORMANCE AS JURY FOREMAN PROVES HE WAS FIT FOR DUTY

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>SYMPATHY VOTE CATAPULTS JOHN KERRY TO JURY FOREMAN SPOT

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>VEGETARIANS REJECT NEW TURKEY-BASED TOFU-FLAVORED TURKEY

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>SHERYL CROW WINS FOR ‘BEST ANTI-BUSH DIATRIBE’ AT AMERICAN MUSIC WARDS

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>’REAL LIFE CHER’ MAKES CAMEO APPEARANCE IN NEW XBOX 360 GAME

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>U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL TO ADDRESS THREAT FROM INTERNET POP-UP ADS

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>CHRIS MATTHEWS: I’M NOT EVIL, YOU JUST HAVE A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE

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>CHENEY CALLS FOR ‘IMMEDIATE WITHDRAWAL’ OF DEMOCRATS FROM U.S. CONGRESS

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>LARRY FLYNT TAPPED TO SPEARHEAD DEMOCRAT’S FAMILY VALUES INITIATIVE

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>IRAN REITERATES NUKES ARE FOR ‘OIL ENERGY PURPOSES ONLY’

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>DEMOCRTATS DEMAND BUSH SET IRAQ SURRENDER DATE

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>FRENCH RUNNING OUT OF WHITE FLAGS

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>PUBLIC ED CZAR: FAILURE RATIOS WITHIN ‘ACCEPTABLE LEVELS’

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>CHIRAC ‘REACHES OUT’ TO RIOTERS; OFFERS APOLOGIES, WEAPONS, LIGHTER FLUID IN EXCHANGE FOR PEACE

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>SEN. KENNEDY PRESSED FOR EXIT STRATEGY FROM PALM BEACH BAR SCENE

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>SUCCESSFUL CHEMO TREATMENT RIDS PHILADELPHIA EAGLES OF ‘ALL TRACES OF T.O.’

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>BUSH IN CHINA, CRITICIZED FOR ‘HIDING’ DURING WESTERN HEMISPHERE’S NEWS CYCLES

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>JEW IN SAUDI ARABIA RIOTS, CITES ‘INADEQUATE ASSIMILATION INTO HARDLINE ISLAMIC SOCIETY’

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>HUGO CHAVEZ ANNOUNCES BID FOR MASSACHUSETTS CONGRESSIONAL SEAT

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>CNN MULLS RELEASING U.S. VERSION OF ITS CABLE NETWORK

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>SEN. DURBIN DENIES RESPONSIBILITY FOR JORDAN HOTEL ATTACKS

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>G.O.P. MAY ‘SIT OUT’ ’08 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION AFTER CRIPPLING LOSS OF TWO GOVERNORSHIPS

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>FOX NEWS’ BREAKING NEWS JINGLE REACHES BILLBOARD TOP 10

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>HISTORY CHANNEL TO DOCUMENT LIVES OF PIRATES THAT ATTACKED TWIN TOWERS ON 9-11

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>FRANCE FALLS TO RIOTERS; SEN. KERRY CALLS FOR ‘PEACE IN OUR TIME’

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>PROFIT-MOTIVATED STORES ALREADY DISPLAYING CHRISTMAS ’06 MERCHANDISE

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>EXPERT: REAL ESTATE BUBBLE MAY HAVE BURST, FREE HOUSES STAYING ON MARKET LONGER

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>SEGA’S ‘DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES 2K6’ FOR XBOX HITS SHELVES

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>ABERCROMBIE & FITCH CALLS FOR BOYCOTT OF ‘MORAL PRUDES’

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>FRENCH POLICE CONTINUE TO FROWN AT MUSLIM-LOOKING RIOTERS

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