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The Funny Side of Horribly Depressing News

>OBAMA DEFENDS LACK OF SENSE OF HUMOR, INSISTS ENTIRE CANDIDACY IS ‘A MIND-NUMBINGLY HILARIOUS JOKE’

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>CONGRESSMAN BERNIE SANDERS EXTREME NEUROPATHY BLAMED ON WEEK-LONG STANDING OVATION AFTER AHMADINEJAD U.N. SPEECH

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>McCAIN’S CONSULTATION WITH WARREN BUFFETT ACCIDENTALLY SCHEDULED AT SAME HOTEL AS OBAMA-OPRAH ECONOMIC SUMMIT

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>CNN: OBAMA ‘COULD NOT HAVE PERFORMED MORE SPECTACULARLY’ IN DEBATE LATER TONIGHT

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>BUSH PUSHES $1 TRILLION RESCUE PLAN FOR STALLED BAILOUT BILL

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>SEN. OBAMA: DAVID KORESH MESSIAH CLAIMS ‘ABOVE MY PAY GRADE’

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>OBAMA: DEBATE MUST GO ON DESPITE ENQUIRER’S WARNING OF EXTRATERRESTIAL ATTACK

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>GUY PICKS UP LEHMAN BROTHERS IN $2 BOX AT YARD SALE

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>OBAMA WILL SUSPEND CAMPAIGN, CALLS FOR DEBATE DELAY UNTIL RESCUE PLAN PUT IN PLACE FOR ‘NO TELEPROMPTER’ RULE

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>BILL CLINTON: ‘HILLARY AND I COULD NOT POSSIBLY BE MORE DEVOTED TO GETTING OBAMA ELECTED EVEN IF McCAIN IS THE MUCH BETTER CANDIDATE’

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>LAST ‘END TIMES’ PROPHECY FULFILLED AS CNN.COM HOMEPAGE STORY PAINTS OBAMA IN LESS THAN ‘TOTALLY POSITIVE’ LIGHT

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>OBAMA BACKS OUT OF DEBATE OVER ‘NO TELEPROMPTER’ RULE

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>BARNEY FRANK TURNS ATTENTION FROM COLLAPSING FINANCIAL SYSTEM TO CLAY AIKEN OUTING

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>ATTACK ON McCAIN PROMPTS STANDING OVATION FROM MEDIA POOL AT OBAMA PRESS CONFERENCE

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>LARRY KING ASKS AHMADINEJAD IF HE ‘WANTS TO HURT JEWS’ (PTD EDITOR’S NOTE TO WEBSITE ADMIN: REMOVE THIS ITEM – ENDED UP NOT BEING SATIRE)

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>NY TIMES: SARAH PALIN’S FRIEND’S BROTHER CONSIDERED FANNIE MAE LOAN AS RECENT AS EIGHT YEARS AGO

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>LEAK: BIDEN-HILLARY ‘VP SWAP OUT’ SCHEDULED FOR THIS WEEKEND, DURING LULL IN NEWS CYCLE

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>IRAN’S AHMADINEJAD ADVISED TO BE ‘ON BIRTH CONTROL’ FOR LARRY KING INTERVIEW

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>PALIN AND BIDEN CAMPAIGN TUESDAY, RAISE RECORD DOLLARS FOR McCAIN

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>TEN DOLLAR DONATION BUMPS OBAMA’S HUT BROTHER INTO UNBEARABLE KENYAN TAX BRACKET

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>HAITI AND ETHIOPIA POOL FUNDS, EXTEND ECONOMIC STIMULUS PACKAGE TO U.S.

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>9-11 CONSPIRACY THEORISTS TURN INVESTIGATIVE SKEPTICISM TO EXISTENCE OF GRAVITY

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>HALF OF SNL’S ‘DOZEN OR SO’ VIEWERS OFFENDED AT PALIN INCEST SKIT

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>PALIN STUMPED WHEN ASKED TO NAME OBAMA’S RUNNING MATE

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>PILGRIMS FLOCK TO VIEW ‘IMAGE OF MARY’ MIRACLE IN CHURCH’S STAINED GLASS WINDOW

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>CAMPAIGNING ‘COMEDIAN’ TURNED ‘POLITICIAN’ AL FRANKEN TELLS ‘HILARIOUS’ JOKE ABOUT BUSH KILLING IRAQI BABIES

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>HILLARY PLEDGES TO ‘RE-DOUBLE SUPPORT FOR OBAMA SOMETIME IN NOVEMBER’

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>OBAMA BLASTS McCAIN FOR ‘NOT REACHING ACROSS PARTY LINES AND ENDORSING MY ECONOMIC PLAN’

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>HILLARY CLINTON DIRECTS POST-NOMINATION LOSS RAGE ON CAMPAIGN LOGO DESIGNER

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>MICHELLE OBAMA SAYS FIGHTS LESS WITH HUSBAND SINCE HE BEGAN USING TELEPROMPTER AT HOME, IN BEDROOM

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>WALL STREET EYES RECORD REBOUND ON POSSIBLE LIFE SENTENCE VERDICT FOR O.J.

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>OBAMA OFFERS TRUCE TO McCAIN, REQUESTS ELECTION BASED ON LAST MONTH’S POLLS

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>OBAMA ADDS ROBUST MYSPACE FRIENDS LIST TO OTHER QUALIFICATION FOR PRESIDENCY

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>CAMPAIGNING OBAMA PULLS GROIN ON ATTEMPT AT HUMOR

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>OBAMA: McCAIN ISN’T FIT FOR PRESIDENCY BECAUSE HE’S NOT ON FACEBOOK

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>OBAMA RESORTS TO INFLATING CAMPAIGN EVENT CROWD COUNTS BY INCLUDING PRO-PALIN, ANTI-OBAMA PROTESTERS

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>SEN. OBAMA TO CARRY HAND-HELD TELEPROMPTER TODAY TO AVOID ANY ‘INAPPROPRIATE REMARKS’ ON 9-11 ANNIVERSARY

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>ABC NEWS JOURNALIST MAKES LATERAL MOVE TO WORK ON OBAMA CAMPAIGN

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>TELEPROMPTER-LESS OBAMA ACCIDENTALLY YELLS ‘FIRE’ IN CROWDED MOVIE THEATER

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>CAMPAIGNING McCAIN LEAVES PALIN FOR SHORT BATHROOM BREAK, SUFFERS 2 POINT DIP IN POLLS

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>BIG BANG MACHINE SUCCESSFULLY FAILS TO CREATE EARTH-SWALLOWING BLACK HOLE

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>INEPT OBAMA CAMPAIGN SAYS ‘PIG LIPSTICK’ COMMENT WAS DIRECTED AT PALIN’S DAUGHTER, NOT PALIN

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>SARAH PALIN ANSWERS OBAMA ‘EXPERIENCE’ QUESTION BY ORGANIZING SEVERAL COMMUNITIES DURING LUNCH BREAK

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>SEN. OBAMA ATTEMPTS TO BOLSTER THIN RESUME WITH PREVIOUSLY-FORGOTTEN ’89 PING PONG MATCH WIN

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>NO SPACE TO CAMPAIGN: SWELLING PALIN CROWDS THREATEN TO FORCE OBAMA BACK TO EUROPE

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>OBAMA SUCCUMBS TO FAR-REACHING PALIN FEVER, FORGETS WHO HIS VICE PRESIDENT PICK WAS

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>OBAMA MOTORCADE DELAYED IN OHIO BY LINE OF PALIN-McCAIN EVENT ATTENDEES STRETCHING INTO INDIANA

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>EMBARRASSED CHINA INSISTS NEGOTIATIONS SINCE 2003 WITH KIM JONG IL CARDBOARD CUTOUT ‘WERE STILL VERY PRODUCTIVE’

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>NY TIMES DIGS UP USE OF INCORRECT FORK AT DINNER FROM SARAH PALIN’S PAST

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>OBAMA CASTS ‘NOT PRESENT’ VOTE IN WAKE OF PALIN EXPLOSION

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