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>MAN’S ‘BLESSING IN DISGUISE’ ENDS UP BEING HORRIBLE, TEN YEAR NIGHTMARE

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>OBAMA PROMISES AIRLINE PASSENGERS BEER SUMMIT WITH GOD TO VENT WEATHER DELAY RAGE

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>U.S. VOWS TO STOP INTERFERRING WITH IRAQ’S PLAN FOR ALL-OUT CIVIL WAR

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>OBAMA NAMES NEW ECONOMIC DESTROYER

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>THOUSANDS NOW HAVING THEIR MAIL DELIVERED TO NEW YORK AREA AIRPORTS

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>CHRISTMAS RECIPIENTS OF NEW P90secondsX ALREADY BACK TO COUCH

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>NORAD CONTINUES LYING ABOUT SANTA’S POSITION, EXISTENCE

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>DENNIS KUCINICH RAISES $14 IN HOPELESS 2012 BID FOR WHITE HOUSE

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>POLL: NUMBER OF LIBERALS WHO BELIEVE BETHLEHEM STAR MARKED OBAMA BIRTH DOWN FROM 2007

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>CHER AGREES TO DONATE POST-MORTEM SELF TO PLASTICS RECYCLING CENTER

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>REPORT: MORE FAMILIES CELEBRATING HOLIDAYS WITH INTERFAMILIAL BEER PONG COMPETITIONS

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>NEW SNOOPING PROGRAM PROOF THAT BUSH IS PULLING STRINGS OF PUPPET OBAMA ADMIN

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>WAL-MART GREETERS OFFER ‘HAPPY CHANUKAH, KWAANZA, AND OTHER HOLIDAYS’ GREETING

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>CHILDREN READING THIS DEVESTATED TO FIND OUT SANTA NOT REAL

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>CARMEN ELECTRA’S WEDDING PLANS BOGGED DOWN BY DIVORCE PAPERWORK

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>ROYAL CANADIAN MOUNTED POLICE MOVING ON TO FASTER, MORE MODERN HORSES

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>GLOBAL WARMING ALARMIST PROVIDES MUCH-NEEDED HOT AIR DURING FLORIDA’S SUB-ARCTIC FREEZE

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>HOLLYWOOD CHARITY CONCERT FOR NEW YORK TIMES RAISES AWARENESS OF PAPER’S PLIGHT

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>CRISS ANGEL CLEANS OUT LAS VEGAS CASINOS, VANISHES

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>OPRAH DENIES LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP WITH LOVER GAYLE

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>NEW MONOPOLY GAME BOARD INCORPORATES PHONE FEATURE TO COMPETE WITH iPHONE

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>CONGRESS SET TO VOTE ON ‘EVERYONE LEFT BEHIND’ BILL

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>FED CHIEF CAUTIONS U.S. CITIZENS AGAINST HYSTERICALLY HOARDING FOOD SUPPLIES YET

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>MILLIONS OF CHILDREN PREPARE TO CELEBRATE BIRTH OF SANTA CLAUS

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