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>’HOME SHOPPING NETWORK: SUPER SPATULAS’ BEATING LENO IN RATINGS RACE

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>WAL-MART RESPONDS TO HEALTHCARE REFORM BY OFFERING CASKETS ON WEBSITE

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>GIBBS: ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS SESSION FINALLY SCHEDULED TO DETERMINE AFGHAN STRATEGY DECISION

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>ROCKETS RAIN ON NORTHERN ISRAEL; OBAMA CALLS HEZBOLLAH ROCKET CREW TO BEER SUMMIT

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>DISTANT CLOUD DELAYS LAUNCH OF $50 BILLION NASA ROCKET

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>REPORT: INADEQUATE PROVISIONS IN HEALTHCARE BILL FOR EXPLOSION OF .99 CENT BURGER DEALS

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>MICROSOFT SCRAMBLES TO ROLL OUT WINDOWS 8 IN RESPONSE TO WINDOWS 7 BUGS

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>FREAKED-OUT TEEN RELIEVED TO DISCOVER THAT SAW CHARACTER IN ROOM WAS ONLY RECENTLY-PURCHASED SAW CHARACTER MASK

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>FOX NEWS DRONE REPORTS BACK ON WHITE HOUSE TROOP FORMATIONS

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>AGING McCAIN LASHES OUT AT SOVIETS, COMMUNIST EAST GERMANY

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>FLOUNDERING T-MOBILE CLAIMS ‘NEED TO MAKE A PHONE CALL? THERE’S AN APP FOR THAT’ IN NEW AD

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>OBAMA ASSURES DNC THAT SENIORS WON’T REMEMBER 2009 BY 2012 ELECTIONS

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>MIKE TYSON SCRAPS COMEBACK PLANS AFTER WATCHING REVEALING MIKE TYSON DOCUMENTARY

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>STUDY: COMPUTER NERDS NOW GETTING ALL THE MONEY, CHICKS

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>JOBLESS RATE JUMPS UP TO OBAMA APPROVAL RATING

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>SUSPENSION LIFTED OVER CUB SCOUT SPORK; STUBBORN SCHOOL BOARD SAYS ‘FINE, WE’LL ALLOW GUNS IN THE SCHOOL’

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>PALESTINIANS, ISRAELIS TO SETTLE DIFFERENCES IN WII TENNIS TOURNAMENT

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>WOODY, ROMAN SIGN TO CO-DIRECT ‘LITTLE WOMEN’

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>LETTERMAN’S RATINGS BUOYED BY HILARIOUS AFFAIRS

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>WITH TOILET PAPER FUNDING DRIED UP, CINDY SHEEHAN RETIRES FROM CRAWFORD PROTEST

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>SOME CALIFORNIANS REMAIN IN STATE AS RAT POPULATION FLEES TO SAFETY

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>U.N. PUSHES BIRDSEED TO REPLACE U.S. DOLLAR

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>NASA’S ATTEMPT TO BLOW MOON UP FAILS TO DIVERT ATTENTION FROM UNDESERVED NOBEL PRIZE

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>NOBEL PRIZE-LESS HILLARY CLINTON MEETING WITH THE PRESIDENT OF NAURU

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>TWINS CONCEDE ALDS TO YANKS, WIN NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

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>OBAMA LANDS NOBEL PRIZE FOR SUPPORT OF IRAN’S PEACEFUL NUCLEAR ENERGY EFFORTS

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>SAUDIS MULL SELLING SAND AS WORLD REDUCES FOSSIL FUEL USAGE

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>TMZ: KATE GOSSELIN GAINS POUND

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>NEW BARNEY FRANK INTERN NERVOUS BECAUSE HE’S TOTALLY NOT GAY

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>BRAZIL CLEARS 10,000 ACRES OF RAIN FOREST FOR NEW GREEN OLYMPIC VENUE

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>NETWORKS VYING FOR INEVITABLE JON GOSSELIN-JOEY BUTTAFUOCO PAY-PER-VIEW BOXING MATCH

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>OVERWHELMED POPE NOT SURE WHERE TO BEGIN CONDEMNING

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>OLYMPIC COMMITTEE BEING FITTED FOR CONCRETE SHOES AFTER DISSING CHICAGO

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>BIDS TO HOST 2016 OLYMPICS IGNORE 2012 END OF WORLD

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>LETTERMAN ADMITS TO CLINTONING STAFFERS

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>MULTI-MILLIONAIRE CAPITALIST MICHAEL MOORE SET TO RELEASE NEW MOVIE

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>OPRAH ANONYMOUSLY FUNDS CHARITY ‘WITH MY OWN MONEY’

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