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>GIBBS: ADDRESSING WHITE HOUSE PRESS POOL AS ‘FRIENDS, ALLIES AND CO-WORKERS’ WAS ‘A POOR CHOICE OF WORDS’

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>PHIL SPECTOR STILL SURPRISED ‘I COULDN’T HAVE KILLED HER – I WAS GOING TO GET MY GUN’ DEFENSE DIDN’T WORK

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>WITH NATION DISTRACTED BY NBA PLAYOFFS, OBAMA SWAPS OUT VICE PRESIDENTS

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>SUSAN BOYLE MAINTAINS THANKFULNESS FOR FAME IN INTERVIEW FROM INSANE ASYLUM

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>CASH-STRAPPED JAPAN ERECTS CHAIN LINK FENCE TO PROTECT AGAINST NORTH KOREAN MISSILE ATTACK

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>BANKRUPTCY LOOMS FOR LOCAL AUTO DEALERSHIP DESPITE STD RESEARCH FUNDING IN STIMULUS PACKAGE

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>MILLIONS OF IDIOTS NOT TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ‘$10K A MONTH FROM YOUR COUCH’ OFFERS

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>TEXAS BECOMES THE WORLD’S TENTH NUCLEAR POWER

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>U.N. THREATENS NORTH KOREA WITH ‘A CERTAIN DEGREE OF FRIENDLY CONCERN’ IF NUKE EFFORTS CONTINUE

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>REAL ESTATE VALUES PLUMMET WITHIN RADIUS OF NORTH KOREAN LAUNCH PAD

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>MAGIC WIN GAME 7 AGAINST CLEVELAND IN SMOKE-FILLED BACKROOM DEAL

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>JUMP IN CONSUMER IGNORANCE SPARKS DOW SURGE

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>ANTI-HISPANIC REPUBLICAN QUESTIONS SOTOMAYOR’S REVERSE DISCRIMINATION OPINION

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>OBAMA NOMINATES SONIA SOTOMAYOR’S HISPANIC ETHNICITY TO U.S. SUPREME COURT

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>U.N. ISSUES STERN CONDEMNATION OF ISRAEL IN WAKE OF SECOND NORTH KOREAN ROCKET LAUNCH

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>NORTH KOREAN MISSILE THREATENS OBAMA PLAN TO APPEASE ROGUE DICTATOR

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>PRESIDENT OBAMA CELEBRATES MEMORIAL DAY WITH BEST-OF-ROUND QUADRUPLE BOGIE ON 16

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>U.S. MEDIA’S MEMORIAL DAY TRIBUTES ECLIPSED BY JON & KATE COVERAGE

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>BLANK MOVIE SCREEN ON SHORT LIST FOR TOP HONORS AT CANNES

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>OBAMA PRAISES ‘THOSE FIGHTING IN THE MIDDLE EAST’, THANKS U.S. TROOPS TOO

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>PELOSI: ‘THIS SILLY CIA STUFF’ IS DISTRACTING AMERICANS FROM BRISTOL PALIN, RUSH LIMBAUGH’S DESIRE FOR OBAMA TO FAIL

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>ADVISORS TALK OBAMA OUT OF NATIONALIZING THE NATION’S LEMONADE STANDS

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>LAWMAKERS GIVEN 600-PAGE CLIFF NOTES FOR CLIMATE BILL, 15 MINUTES TO READ

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>OBAMA GETTING ERROR MESSAGES WHILE TRYING TO UNINSTALL CHENEY 2.0

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>IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER STILL CLAIMING SADDAM STILL IN POWER

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>CHENEY-OBAMA ‘BATTLE OF THE SPEECHES’ PAY-PER-VIEW NUMBERS SET RECORD

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>IDIOTS STILL GETTING INTEREST-ONLY MORTGAGES CONTRIBUTING TO 2021 DEPRESSION

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>NIGERIAN EMAIL SCAMMERS LEAPFROG OVER NANCY PELOSI ON PEOPLE’S ‘1,000 PEOPLE WE LIKE’ LIST

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>RACHEL MADDOW NIXED FROM TOP COURT VACANCY SHORT LIST; OBAMA SAYS ‘THAT GUY IS TOO CONSERVATIVE’

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>#tcot … Thank you for following the best in Conservative-flavored satire on the web!

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>SECRET NSA GADGET REVEALS: ROSWELL DETAILS AND EXISTENCE OF SECRET NSA GADGET TO BE OUTED IN FUTURE BIDEN GAFFE

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>OBAMA INTERRUPTS HECKLER’S SPEECH WITH COMMENCEMENT DIATRIBE

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>BIDEN SUGGESTS TWO STATE SOLUTION FOR PAKISTAN, TALIBAN

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>WORLD HEALTH ORG RAISES STRESS ALERT TO ALL-TIME HIGH FOR CELTICS FANS

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>CONTROVERSY ESCALATES AFTER OBAMA SUGGESTS MOVING GUANTANAMO DETAINEES TO NOTRE DAME

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>SURGEON GENERAL: LIVING, BREATHING, EATING CAUSES CANCER

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>ASTRONAUTS IN SPACEWALK TO TACKLE SPACE SHUTTLE OIL AND TIMING BELT CHANGES

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>WHITE HOUSE EMPLOYS OXYCLEAN GUY TO PEDDLE HEALTHCARE REFORM TO IDIOT MASSES

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>BURGER KING SALES INCREASE DESPITE HORRIFYING PLASTIC-FACED BURGER KING

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>POLL: 87% OF REMAINING NY TIMES READERS THINK ‘THE MIDWEST’ IS FOREIGN COUNTRY

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>CRAZY PELOSI ACCUSES CIA OF LYING, CHALLENGES MIKE TYSON TO ALLEYWAY FIST FIGHT

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>118 YR OLD McCAIN MOTHER REPLACES 16 YR OLD McCAIN DAUGHTER AS DE FACTO GOP HEAD

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>KANYE WEST ENRAGED AT BEING SPOOFED ON TWITTER, SAYS ‘HEADS OF TWITTER HATE BLACK PEOPLE’

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>NO RELEASE OF DETAINEE PHOTOS; OBAMA SAYS ‘IT’S ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT THEY EXIST, AND THAT WE’RE HORRIBLE’

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>SALE OF PICKETT COUNTY, TENNESSEE’S 16 ANDOVER DR. HINTS AT NATION-WIDE HOUSING BUBBLE COMEBACK

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>OBAMA FORCES STARBUCKS-TO-FOLGERS CHANGE IN CHRYSLER’S BREAKROOMS

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>OBAMA HANDLERS TO WEAN PRESIDENT FROM TELEPROMPTER, GIVE IT TO HIM ‘ONLY AT NIGHTTIME’

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>ROBERT GIBBS STUMBLES WHEN ASKED WHO THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY IS

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>ARAB STREET ENRAGED AFTER MISS SAUDI ARABIA ‘SEMI NUDE’ REVEALS UPPER CHEEKBONE, ‘WAY TOO MUCH FOREHEAD’

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>OVAL OFFICE FIST BUMP CLAIMED TO BE WHITE HOUSE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF NATIONAL DAY OF PRAYER

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