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The Funny Side of Horribly Depressing News

>LAWMAKER VISIBLE IN BACKGROUND OF PRESIDENTIAL PHOTO OP USES PIC TO SHOWCASE HIS POWERFUL STATUS

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>DYED BEARD LANDS BIN LADEN TOP HONORS AT CANNES FASHION FESTIVAL

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>KEITH OLBERMANN ASKED TO TURN OVER BLUE GAP SUIT COAT AFTER INTERVIEW WITH BILL CLINTON

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>POLL: HALF OF AMERICANS SHOCKED TO FIND OUT CLINTON CANDIDACY IS ‘REAL’; MOST THOUGHT THEY WERE BEING PUNKED

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>PARIS HILTON TO FIGHT RWANDAN STARVATION WITH SERIES OF PHOTO OPS

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>BILL CLINTON ADMITS INHALATION AT SNOOP DOG BIRTHDAY PARTY

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>DUCT TAPE, BAND-AID SALES SOAR ON FEARS OF THERMONUCLEAR APOCOLYPSE

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>MODERATE DEMOCRATS URGE ‘PHASED REDEPLOYMENT’ OF MOVEON.ORG MEDIA TEAM

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>’MISERY’ SAGA UNFOLDS AS JOHN McCAIN FORCES RICK WARREN TO PEN ‘PURPOSE DRIVEN CANDIDACY’

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>BILL CLINTON AND AL GORE MEND RELATIONSHIP AFTER EIGHT YEAR SEPARATION

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>LIBERALS URGE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT TO ADDRESS ‘PHENOMENON OF HETEROSEXUALITY’ IN U.S.

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>MICHAEL VICK TO ‘FEMINIZE’ IMAGE TO COURT METROSEXUAL JURY, HIRES SEN. EDWARDS’ SALONIST

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>DRUDGE : BUSH QUIETLY RUNNING CLINTON PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

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>TED KENNEDY’S SPEECHWRITER ACCIDENTALLY FALLS OUT OF AHMADINEJAD’S ATTACHE CASE

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>COLUMBIA STUDENTS SHOUT DOWN SILENT BUSH SUPPORTER LISTENING TO AHMADINEJAD SPEECH

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>COLUMBIA PREZ BOLLINGER SAVES FACE, CALLS AHMADINEJAD ‘JUST AN OK GUY’

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>DAN RATHER RAILS AGAINST CBS’ RIGHT-WING BIAS

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>HILLARY CLINTON SLIPS WITH CABINET PREVIEW: ‘IT’S A BUNCH OF PEOPLE YOU’LL HATE’

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>CASTRO VIDEO PROVES HE’S ALIVE AND WELL ON PLANET EARTH

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>APPLE TO INTRODUCE MUSIC PLAYING, WEB BROWSING, TEXT MESSAGING DEVICE FITTED WITH VOICE-BASED COMMUNICATION ABILITY

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>SPINELESS GOP LAWMAKERS BEGRUDGINGLY ACCEPT ‘REGRESSIVES’ MONIKER

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>MRS. JOHN EDWARDS PROTECTS HUSBAND FROM MALL HOOLIGANS

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>SNOOP DOG OFFICIALLY CHANGES PRIMARY RESIDENCE TO SANTA ANA COURTHOUSE

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>SEN. SCHUMER (D-NY) OFFERS TO CATER AHMADINEJAD’S WREATH-LAYING EVENT GROUND ZERO

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>MEDIA EXPOSURE FROM TASER INCIDENT HAS SEN. KERRY BACK ON BOTOX, EYE LINER

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>O.J. HEADS BACK TO FL TO CONTINUE SEARCH FOR NICOLE’S KILLER IN MIAMI BEACH NIGHTCLUBS

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>FORMER WHITE HOUSE INTERN’S BOYFRIEND’S WIFE HILLARY CLINTON’S CAMPAIGN RIPS GIULIANI’S ‘INABILITY TO COMMIT TO ONE WOMAN’

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>JENA 6 PROTEST CROWD SETS SIGHTS ON FREEING CHARLES MANSON

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>NYPD OFFERS AHMADINEJAD HANNIBAL LECTER GURNEY FOR GROUND ZERO VISIT

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>CONGRESSIONAL APPROVAL RATING SURPASSED BY FAVORABILITY OF NEW COKE

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>SIMPSON’S BAIL CONDITIONS INCLUDE SURRENDER OF PASSPORT, FAKE MUSTACHE AND WHITEFACE PAINT

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>O.J. ATTORNEY EXITS COURTHOUSE IN OSCAR DE LA RENTA, IS WALKING TOWARD SUV… DETAILS TO COME

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>BARACK OBAMA EVENT CROWDS THIN AS ‘FREE O.J.’ CROWD MIGRATES TO VEGAS FOR TRIAL

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>HIMALAYAN MOUNTAINS SCOURED FOR UNBIASED O.J. JURORS

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>VEGAS POLICE REBUFF O.J.’S REQUEST TO HAVE ANNIE LEIBOVITZ TAKE MUG SHOT

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>O.J. INSTRUCTS ATTORNEYS TO ANGLE FOR LIFE IN PRISON AT CHIC WHITE COLLAR GOLF CLUB DETENTION ESTATE

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>MAN SHOT DEAD BY POLICE AFTER ASKING SEN. KERRY ABOUT TAZING INCIDENT

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>BUSH TO ACCLIMATE AMERICANS TO HILLARY HEALTHCARE BY DOUBLING TAXES IN LAST TERM

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>BIN LADEN’S NEW ‘OSAMACARE’ TERROR PROGRAM IS BAD TIMING FOR BARACK OBAMA’S HEALTHCARE PLAN ROLLOUT

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>RAPPER KAYNE WEST COMPLAINS ABOUT LACK OF EMMY NOMINATIONS, SAYS ‘TV PRODUCERS HATE BLACK PEOPLE’

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>McCAIN SPOKESVOLUNTEER: LOST STREETWALKERS WANDERING INTO CAMPAIGN EVENTS WILL BE COUNTED AS ATTENDEES

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>TWELVE PGA PROFESSIONALS CONCEDE REST OF TOUR TO TIGER

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>DEMOCRATS ATTACK, BASH, AND CRITICIZE REPUBLICANS FOR A BUNCH OF STUFF

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>SEN. CLINTON RESPONDS TO GIULIANI COMMERCIAL WITH WEEPING AND GNASHING OF TEETH

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>HILLARY CLINTON TO PROPOSE FREE HEALTHCARE TO HYPER-OVERTAXED GOVERNMENT SLAVES

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>RATINGS-POOR MSNBC ATTEMPTS TO BAIT O.J. INTO BRONCO CHASE SEQUEL

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>O.J. SIMPSON SLITHERS BACK INTO NEWS CYCLE WITH THEFT OF O.J. SIMPSON MEMORABILIA

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>McDONALD’S COMMITS TO LEAD-FREE BIG MACS BY 2012

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>BRITNEY SPEARS DROPPED FROM ANNUAL BEST UNDRESSED LIST

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>DEMOCRATS ATTACK BUSH ON SPEECH TO BE GIVEN LATER TONIGHT

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