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>LINE OF HUNDREDS ‘GROWING RESTLESS’ WAITING IN LINE AT TIMES SQUARE PORT-A-POTTY

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>MILLIONS SET TO PRETEND THEY ACTUALLY LIKE CHAMPAGNE

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>EARLIEST TIME ZONE IN NEW ZEALAND REPORTS THAT 2009 IS ‘PRETTY BAD, BUT COULD BE WORSE’

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>PRESIDENT BUSH TO ENTERTAIN CAROLINE KENNEDY’S REQUEST FOR PUBLIC SPEAKING TIPS

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>BLAGOJEVICH TO HOLD ‘CLOSED PRESS CONFERENCE’ BEHIND DUMPSTER AT LOCAL 7-11 TO NAME SUCCESSOR TO OBAMA SENATE SEAT

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>McCAIN’S PRESIDENTIAL AMBITIONS DASHED AGAIN AFTER NAILBITER MOOSE LODGE ELECTION

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>ISRAEL LAUNCHES ALL-OUT WAR AGAINST HAMAS, U.N. CRITICISM

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>CHRISTMAS DELAYED AFTER IRAN REVOKES SANTA FLYOVER RIGHTS

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>SANTA’S COAL SUPPLY STRETCHED THIN AFTER CONVOY OF SHIPS DEPART NORTH POLE TO DELIVER BLAGO’S CHRISTMAS GIFT

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>CNN PLANS 4 HOUR ‘DAY BEFORE KWANZAA’ SPECIAL ON DEC. 25

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>OBAMA: ‘I WON’T PLACE BLAME, BUT THIS GEORGE W. BUSH ECONOMY WILL TAKE YEARS TO RECOVER FROM’

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>AUTOMAKERS BURN THROUGH CASH OFFERED BY BUSH IN THIS MORNING’S PRESS CONFERENCE

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>NYC MAYOR ADDS HOLIDAY GIFT EXCHANGES TO LIST OF ‘TAXABLE TRANSACTIONS’

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>BUSH’S SHOE ATTACKER APOLOGIZES; ASKS FOR PARDON, SHOES BACK

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>BLAGOJEVICH ATTEMPTS TO AVOID ‘THE HASSLE OF PRISON’ BY APPOINTING SELF TO SENATE

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>PENTAGON REPORTS FOUR MORE DEATHS IN BRATZ-BARBIES WAR

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>TIME MAG SHOCKS MOST, MAKES OBAMA ‘UNLIKELY’ PERSON OF YEAR PICK

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>FEDS THROW ‘ANOTHER BAZILLION OR SO’ AT ECONOMIC CRISIS

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>BERNARD MADOFF SENTENCED TO ‘FREEDOM ON THE STREETS OF PALM BEACH FOR A FEW HOURS OR SO’

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>McCAIN REMOVED FROM CONSIDERATION TO HEAD PALIN 2012 EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE

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>OBAMA SUGGESTS PLAYING LOTTERY TO ‘HOPEFULLY’ OFFSET PERSONAL FINANCIAL WOES

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>OBAMA DENIES BUSH SHOE ATTACKER ON SHORT LIST FOR CABINET POSITION

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>AL GORE CANCELS GLOBAL WARMING SPEECH DUE TO ‘UNBEARABLY FREEZING TEMPERATURES’ AGAIN

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>CARTER MASTERMINDS BREAKTHROUGH PEACE-BREAKING DEAL BETWEEN HAMAS AND NEIGHBORING ‘ZIONIST REGIME’

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>MSNBC TO COVER BUSH SHOE ATTACK INCIDENT TO NEW EXTENDED 26-HR A DAY FORMAT

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>ENTRENCHED ILLINOIS NUT JOB EYES REELECTION, FORMS EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE

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>FLORIDA’S GOVERNOR CRIST MARRIES FEMALE

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>NUMBER OF PEOPLE CELEBRATING KWAANZA UP 12 SINCE 2007

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>AUTOMAKER CEOS APOLOGIZE FOR ‘ASSUMING THE BAILOUT WOULD BE APPROVED’, SAY THEY ALREADY SPENT IT

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>ILLINOIS GOV PROMPTS MORE ‘CRAZY NUT JOB’ CHARGES BY OFFERING TO DISCOUNT SENATE SEAT ‘BY FIFTY PERCENT’

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>BLAGOJEVICH’S APPROVAL RATING AMONG DEMOCRATS PLUMMETS TO 85%

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>LAYOFF CONCERNS SKYROCKET AT AREA COMPANY AFTER RECEPTION AREA MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS NOT RENEWED

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>EMBATTLED ILLINOIS GOV PINS HOPES ON HEADS-UP SIDEWALK PENNY

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>OPRAH APPROACHES SLIM FAST WITH BAILOUT REQUEST

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>ILLINOIS GOV WON’T RESIGN, SAYS INCRIMINATING FBI TAPES ‘WERE PHOTOSHOPPED’

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>FEDS ARREST ILLINOIS GOV, YANK OBAMA SENATE SEAT OFF eBAY

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>AL FRANKEN OFFERS TO BUY OBAMA’S SENATE SEAT ‘IF THE DEAL IS STILL ON THE TABLE’

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>MALL SANTA ‘SCARED TO DEATH’ AFTER HOLIDAY GREETING FROM BEARDED TODDLER

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>OBAMA DAMPENS LOFTY EXPECTATIONS WITH WARNING THAT ARMEGEDDON ‘IS PROBABLY JUST AROUND THE CORNER’

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>AL FRANKEN: VOTERS SHOULDN’T BE DISENFRANCHISED ‘JUST FOR MISPLACING THESE 300 BALLOTS UNDER MY SOFA CUSHIONS’

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>COMPANIES DITCH ‘GO GREEN’ EFFORTS FOR MORE RELEVANT ‘TRY TO GO BLACK’ CAMPAIGNS

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>PENDING OBAMA PRESIDENCY BAILS OUT FLOUNDERING FIREARM INDUSTRY

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>O.J. PROMISES MIAMI BEACH PARTY CROWD HE’LL RESUME SEARCH FOR NICOLE’S KILLER ‘IN 15-30 YEARS’

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>EXPERT: EUPHORIA OVER O.J. SENTENCE MAY ECLIPSE HOLIDAY JOY

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>OLD NAVY DECORATES STORES TO CELEBRATE ‘CHANUKAH, KWAANZA, AND OTHER HOLIDAYS THAT MIGHT EXIST IN THE MONTH OF DECEMBER’

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>LOCAL MAN ASKS CONGRESS FOR $82.13 BAILOUT PACKAGE TO HELP HIM ‘SURVIVE THE WEEK’

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>CHRYSLER CEO LAUGHS OFF CRITICS, ASKS NASA TO LEND SPACE SHUTTLE FOR HIS TRIP TO D.C.

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>GM CHIEF DITCHES PRIVATE JET; WILL HAVE ASSEMBLY LINE WORKER PULL HIM IN RICKSHAW TO D.C.

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>OBAMA TO NOMINATE BILL RICHARDSON TO CABINET FOR SOME REASON

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>ROSIE O’DONNEL’S VARIETY SHOW DEAD AT AGE 0

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