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>OBAMA PLEDGES TO ‘NOT CONGRATULATE MYSELF FOR MY IRAQ VICTORY’ IN OVAL OFFICE SPEECH

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>CNN ESTIMATES ‘TENS OF PEOPLE’ ATTENDED BECK RALLY

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>MSNBC: MAJORITY OF AMERICANS FAIL TO SHOW UP TO GLENN BECK EVENT

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>SEAN HANNITY LIES IN GREETING NOT-SO-GOOD AMERICAN

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>FED CHAIRMAN ADVISES NATION TO CALMLY LINE UP TO EXIT STOCK MARKET

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>WHITE HOUSE ADMITS INTENTION WAS TO COMMENT ON OBAMA’S ‘OBLIVIOUS CHRISTIANITY’

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>TIGER SHOOTS 65 AT BARCLAYS, PLANS BI-WEEKLY DIVORCES IN BID TO IMPROVE SCORES

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>LINDSAY LOHAN DEPARTS REHAB FOR BAR ACROSS STREET

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>OBAMA LOBSTER AND CAVIAR OVERDOSE PROMPTS NEED FOR ANOTHER VACATION

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>WIKILEAKS TO PUBLISH OBAMA’S CHRISTIAN STREET CREDS

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>NORTH KOREA HOPES TO SECURE ITS RELEASE FROM CARTER VISIT

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>’MOTIVATED’ OBAMA CHASES APPROVAL RATING ENJOYED BY MALWARE SPAMMERS

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>G.O.P. FAITHFUL PROPEL ‘100 PERCENT PRO-LIFE’ CANDIDATE TO EASY WIN OVER 92.5 PERCENT PRO-LIFER

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>WEATHERMAN BLAMES WRONG PREDICTION ON CALCULATIONS NON-WEATHERPEOPLE CAN’T UNDERSTAND

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>OBAMA FEIGNS DISINTEREST AS MUSLIM CALL TO PRAYER RINGS OUT OVER GOLF COURSE

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>STUDY: AMERICAN DREAM TO OWN A JOB BECOMING ELUSIVE FOR MANY

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>WHITE HOUSE DENIES OBAMA BEING ‘CONDESCENDING TO STUPID AMERICANS’

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>WHITE HOUSE QUIETLY CANCELS OBAMA’S THREE WEEK VACATION TO MECCA

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>CHRISTIAN OBAMA VOWS TO STOP SUPPORTING JIHADIST PROJECTS AT GROUND ZERO, PRAYING TO ALLAH

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>PELOSI CALLS FOR INVESTIGATION OF 9-11 VICTIMS IN MOSQUE FLAP

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>INTERNATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT EFFORTS BEING EXHAUSTED BY AROUND-THE-CLOCK GEORGE MICHAEL ARRESTS

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>OBAMA PLEDGES TO ‘LAY OFF OF VACATIONS’ FOR A FEW DAYS

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>OBAMA ENDORSES AL QUEDA TRAINING FACILITY FOR PENTAGON’S INTERIOR COURTYARD

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>DIAL MARKETS SUPER-EXPENSIVE BODY SOAP TO THE FILTHY RICH

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>TAXPAYER CURSES OUT PASSENGER, PULLS EMERGENCY CHUTE, SLIDES OFF AIR FORCE ONE

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>FEW FAMILY MEMBERS AND PAID ‘FRIENDS’ REMAIN ON SEN. RANGEL’S FACEBOOK FRIEND LIST

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>THREE TIGER MISTRESSES PASS HIM IN PGA RANKINGS

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>TIGER WOODS TO FIGHT MIKE TYSON IN PAY-PER-VIEW ATTEMPT TO REHAB SOILED IMAGE

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>MICHELLE OBAMA’S ENTOURAGE IN SPAIN FIND TAXPAYER-FUNDED BENTLEYS UNDER SEATS

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>PLUGGED WELL, LACK OF OIL IN GULF REPRESENTS THE ‘WORST MISSED OPPORTUNITY FOR ENVIROMENTALISTS IN OUR HISTORY’

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>NEITHER OF COURIC’S VIEWER’S BOTHERED BY PALIN RIP

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>FAVRE RETIRING, CITES TIME NEEDED TO PONDER MOVE TO NEXT NFL TEAM

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>DESPERATE OBAMA HIGHLIGHTS ATTRACTIVE BOMB SHELTER MORTGAGE RATES

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