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>POTHEADS GREET LIBERAL MEDICAL MARIJUANA LAWS WITH CLAIMS OF AILMENTS, ALLEGED INFIRMITIES

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>BP READYING LAST-DITCH ‘HOPE AND CHANGE’ STRATEGY FOR GUSHING WELL

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>MEDIA NEARLY MISSES OBAMA’S DRIVE-BY GULF VISIT

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>NEW PALIN FENCE BLOCKS CREEPY NEIGHBOR’S VIEW OF POOL, PLAYGROUND, RUSSIA

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>OBAMA TO VISIT GULF COAST IN PERSON; ADVISED THAT FAXED SUPPORT ‘TOO IMPERSONAL’

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>BILL CLINTON: END OF WORLD IN 2012 MAY SOLVE EARTH’S UNSUSTAINABILITY PROBLEMS

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>U.S. ACCEPTS $2,600 ECONOMIC STIMULUS AID PACKAGE FROM COSTA RICA

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>VP BIDEN CELEBRATES THIRD CONSECUTIVE ‘CATASTROPHIC GAFFE-FREE’ DAY

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>GUY AT BAR CLAIMS BP IGNORING HIS ‘KILLER PLAN’ TO STOP OIL FLOW

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>VEGAS AUDIENCE: CARROT TOP’S FREAKY BENCH PRESS DEMO DISTRACTS FROM COMEDY ACT

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>POLICE: GUY SHOT OTHER GUY IN APPARENT ACT OF UNPLEASANTNESS

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>ERIC HOLDER ALREADY ON FOURTH PAGE OF TEN-PAGE ARIZONA IMMIGRATION BILL

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>NEW WATERPROOF TELEPROMPTER ALLOWS OBAMA TO SING, THINK OUT LOUD IN SHOWER

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>CHIEF WHITE HOUSE SPIN DOCTOR RESIGNS TO TAKE ‘EASIER, SLOWER-PACED’ JOB AS BP CLAIMS PROCESSOR

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>AMERICAN FLAG SHIRT-WEARING SIXTH GRADER EXECUTED AFTER SCHOOL LUNCH PRAYER

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>ENERGY PRICES PREDICTED TO REACH $100 PER BARREL OF GULF COAST SEAWATER BY FALL

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>BP SPRAYING ANTHRAX, CYANIDE, RAT POISON CONCOCTION TO CLEAN GULF BEACHES

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>BP RESORTS TO PLAN B, HOPES OIL WELL IS NEARING DRY

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>SUSPICIOUS AL GORE PEZ DISPENSER PROMPTS EVACUATION OF MANHATTAN

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>PICASSO PIECE SELLS FOR SOME STUPIDLY HIGH PRICE

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>DUDE CLICKS WRONG BUTTON AGAIN, NATION’S 401Ks SHED SEVERAL BAZILLION

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>ECONOMIST FORSEES U.S. JOBLESS RATE REACHING 110% BY 2012

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>FEDS MONITORING CAPITALIST TERRORISM IN GULF AND INVESTIGATING MAN-CAUSED DISASTER ATTEMPT IN TIMES SQUARE

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>ORLANDO MAGIC ACCEPT FORMAL CONCESSION FROM ATLANTA HAWKS ATTORNEY

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>GIANT MAGIC ERASER BEING CONSTRUCTED FOR QUICK AND EASY GULF CLEANUP

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>JANET NAPOLITANO: FEDS NABBED TIMES SQUARE ‘TEA PARTY TYPE’ FAISAL SHAHZAD

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>OBAMA BEGS GULF COAST RESIDENTS NOT TO HUDDLE UP IN SUPERDOME

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>SEX-DEPRIVED TIGER MISSES CUT AT QUAIL HOLLOW

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>LOS ANGELES TIMES SOLD TO HOMELESS MAN FOR CARDBOARD BOX TOP, THREADBARE CARDIGAN

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