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CAIN CAMPAIGN BUOYED BY ONLY TWO ADDITIONAL SEXUAL MISCONDUCT CHARGES TODAY

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AMERICANS REMINISCE ABOUT THE ‘GOOD OL’ DAYS’ OF CARTER MALAISE

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STUPID VAMPIRE MOVIE SEQUEL DISTRACTS NATION FROM PENDING DEMISE

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UNDERGROUND APOCALYPSE SHELTERS TO OUTPACE SALE OF BABY FORMULA BY MID-2012, REPORT SHOWS

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PENDING PALIN ENDORSEMENT BEING PLANNED TO BE MOCKED ON LATE NIGHT SHOWS

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MICHELLE BACHMANN’S ENTIRE STAFF QUITS; SAYS HER CHANCES TO WIN PRESIDENCY ARE SQUANDERED, BUT PLEDGES TO REMAIN MARRIED TO HER

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SANTORUM SKYROCKETS TEN POINTS IN HIS OWN MIND

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EMPLOYED LIBERAL LOOKING LONGINGLY OUT WINDOW AT FUN ‘OCCUPY’ RIOT

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SOME KIND OF EUROPEAN DEBT CRISIS IN NEWS, REPORTS SAY

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HUGE ASTEROID SET TO TOTALLY ANNIHILATE EARTH TOMORROW; POSSIBLY, SCIENTISTS SAY

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REVERSING TRUCK BEEPING TO BE REPLACED WITH SARAH PALIN SCREECH

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IRAN FAILS TO SEND MONKEY INTO ORBIT; WOODEN SPACESHIP EXPLODES ON CARDBOARD LAUNCH PAD

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TOTALLY TRASHED RICK PERRY LOSES CONSERVATIVE BASE, GAINS SUPPORT FROM OCCUPY WALL STREETERS

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‘MORE HIP’ AND NEWLY BLEACHED-BLOND RICK PERRY SEEKS TO REVITALIZE FLOUNDERING CAMPAIGN

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