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>HILLARY CLINTON’S CLEAVAGE SURGES IN POLL

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>GLOBAL WARMING SPAWNS TROPICAL DEPRESSION SET TO BATTER NORTH POLE

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>FEMINISTS FAIL TO CRITICIZE HILLARY CLINTON FOR LETTING BOOBS HANG OUT IN SENATE CHAMBER

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>RELIEF AS GAS PRICES PLUMMET TO 3RD CENT DECREASE IN AS MANY WEEKS

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>BUSH MEETS NEW BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, PRETENDS TO LIKE HIM AS MUCH AS BLAIR

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>NASA IMPLEMENTS DESIGNATED DRIVER PROGRAM FOR SPACE SHUTTLE

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>DENNIS KUCINICH PUTS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN ON HOLD TO ATTEND SAN FRAN COMIC BOOK CONVENTION

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>ROMNEY CRITICIZES OBAMA’S DESIRE TO BED TYRANNICAL DICTATORS, ENDORSES SEN. CLINTON

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>BUSH’S WARRANTLESS ‘SPY PROGRAM’ NETS PHILANDERING LIBRARIAN IN WICHITA

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>LINDSAY LOHAN’S PUBLICIST DIES FROM EXHAUSTION AT AGE 34

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>OBAMA BACKPEDALS, SAYS DISCUSSIONS WITH ANTI-AMERICAN TYRANTS ‘MAY INCLUDE A LOT OF YELLING’

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>JOHN EDWARDS CLAIMS HE’S ‘WOMAN ENOUGH’ TO BE PRESIDENT

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>LINDSAY LOHAN ARRESTED DUI WITH COKE, HEROIN, METH AND POT AGAIN

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>TALKING SNOWMAN WINS YOUTUBE DEBATE

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>DENNIS KUCINICH REVEALS $75 NET WORTH DURING YOUTUBE DEBATE

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>DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM APPROACH L.A. MARRIAGE LENGTH RECORD

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>REPORT: PENTAGON USING WAR ON TERROR AS RECRUITING TOOL

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>CUBA FINALLY GETS NEWS OF MOON LANDING

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>NY TIMES RETRACTS HARRY POTTER LEAK AFTER REALIZATION THAT NATIONAL DEFENSE WASN’T COMPROMISED

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>DEMS FEAR CHENEY PLANS TO COLONIZE MORE OIL-RICH COUNTRIES DURING BUSH COLONOSCOPY

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>BUSH RECESSION EXPLODES TO RECORD HIGHS

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>BUSH KNOCKS NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE ESTIMATE FOR FAILING TO IDENTIFY ‘INCREASING THREAT FROM CONGRESS’

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>BUSH ENDORSES CREATION OF PALESTINIAN TERRORIST STATE

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>AL QUEDA MILITANTS EXHAUSTED AFTER LATE-NIGHT TACTICS DEBATE

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>’NONE OF THE ABOVE’ GAINS IN GOP POLLS, MAYOR GUILIANI CLOSE SECOND

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>HILLARY DENIES KNOWLEDGE OF JUANITA BRODDERICK AND ‘THAT GUY’ BILL CLINTON

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>DEMS ATTRIBUTE RECENT DOW SURGE TO ECONOMIC POLICIES OF CARTER, CLINTON ADMINS

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>JOHN McCAIN BOUNCES CHECK DRAWN TO PAY FOR AD IN THE THRIFTY NICKEL CLASSIFIEDS MAG

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>REMAINING McCAIN STAFF MEMBER INSISTS RAMEN-NOODLE-ONLY DIET WAS HIS CHOICE

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>SOCCER FAILS TO GO MAINSTREAM IN U.S. DESPITE ARRIVAL OF POSH SPICE

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>DENNIS KUCINICH ENRAGED AT CLINTON-EDWARDS PLAN TO BAR ‘INSIGNIFICANT LOSERS’ FROM PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES

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>SIZE OF BECKHAMS ARRIVAL HYPE NEARS MICHAEL MOORE WEIGHT LEVELS

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>McCAIN DENIES MONEY WOES, SAYS CARPOOLING ON BICYCLES IS ‘MY STAFF’S CONTRIBUTION TO ENVIRONMENT CARE’

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>CNN: CLINTON ECONOMIC POLICIES EFFECT 300 POINT DOW GAIN

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>NEWS OF PENDING AL QUEDA DOOMSDAY ATTACK INTERFERES WITH PARIS HILTON MAKEOVER COVERAGE

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>SEN. CLINTON CLAIMS MOTHER CHOSE NAME ‘AFTER SIR EDMUND HILLARY AND HER SUMMITTED EVEREST TOGETHER’

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>LIVE EARTH SUCCEEDS IN RAISING AWARENESS OF PRIVATE JET EXHAUST IMPACT

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>ROBERT KENNEDY JR. SUGGESTS DEATH PENALTY FOR ‘TRAITORS’ LIMBAUGH, HANNITY, BECK

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>VATICAN: JESUS CHRIST ‘WOUNDED’ BY PROTESTANTS’ REFUSAL TO WORSHIP POPE

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>SEN. McCAIN DENIES ELECTION BID IS ON THE ROCKS; SAYS ‘A LOT OF CAMPAIGNS FILE RESTRAINING ORDERS AGAINST THEIR CANDIDATE’

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>UNSEASONABLE SNOW INTERRUPTS GLOBAL WARMING EVENT AGAIN

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>MADONNA DITCHES TRENDY KARBALA RELIGION TO PRACTICE ‘ALGOREISM’

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>LIVE EARTH CONCERT VIEWERSHIP DWARFED BY M.A.S.H. RE-RUNS

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>JOHN EDWARDS BEAUTY SALON COSTS NEAR BILL CLINTON HUSH MONEY LEVELS

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>TIGER WOOD’S NEW BODYBUILDER PHYSIQUE ADVERSELY AFFECTING GOLF SKILLS

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>BOEING’S NEW JET TO CARRY RECORD NUMBER OF POTENTIAL TERROR VICTIMS

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>NETWORKS ON HIGH ALERT AS IMUS AMASSES TROOPS AT THE BORDER

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>DENNIS KUCINICH CELEBRATES 100TH SUPPORTER, NOT EXCLUDING CAMPAIGN STAFF, FAMILY, FRIEND

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>APPLE WARNS OF ‘POSSIBLE, BUT MINOR’ THIRD DEGREE BURNS AND HEAD INJURIES FROM iPHONE USE

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>GORE RELIEVED THAT WESTERN HEAT WAVE ISN’T RECORD COLD FRONT AGAIN

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