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>ADVANCED LEVELS OF SCIENTOLOGY STILL NO MATCH FOR KIRSTIE ALLEY’S MASSIVE APPETITE

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>TOM CRUISE DEMOTED TO SCIENTOLOGY’S LEVEL SIX FOR DOG-EARRING PAGE IN DIANETICS

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>TOM CRUISE’S MOBILE SCIENTOLOGY TEMPLE FREAKS OUT NEW LEADING LADY

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>TRAVOLTA DITCHES SCIENTOLOGY, LEAVES CRUISE AS ONLY REMAINING NUT

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>SURI CRUISE ABANDONS SCIENTOLOGY AFTER LEARNING OF FREAKY ALIEN WARLORD GOD

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>SURI CRUISE REACHES SCIENTOLOGY’S LEVEL 3, WILL LEARN ABOUT ALIEN WARLOCK XENU SOON

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>JOHN TRAVOLTA THREATENS SCIENTOLOGY DETRACTOR WITH ‘THE WRATH OF XENU, OUR ALIEN FATHER’

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>LEVEL 7 SCIENTOLOGY WARLOCK TO MARRY TOMKAT AT STONEHENGE TODAY

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>DIANE FIENSTEIN FLOATS BILL TO PROTECT SCIENTOLOGY FROM ANIMATED TV SHOW

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