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FLOUNDERING GINGRICH TO PROMISE LUXURY CONDOS ON JUPITER

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TRUMP HEDGES, ENDORSES OBAMA ALSO

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ROMNEY TO CLAIM VICTORY IN NEXT THREE PRIMARY CONTESTS, LEAVE FOR ‘MUCH NEEDED VACATION’ IN HAWAII

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NEWT GINGRICH FLOATS PLAN TO PAY OFF DEBT WITH COLLATERALIZED MOONROCK-BACKED DEBT OBLIGATIONS

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FRUSTRATED NIGERIAN PRINCE REALLY TRYING TO GIFT MILLIONS TO STRANGER IN U.S.

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BIDEN FIGHTING UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO SOMEHOW GAFFE-UP OBAMA’S SPEECH

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OBAMA TURNS, RECOMMENDS DE-TANNING FOR ORANGED BOEHNER

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OBAMA TO FOCUS EXCLUSIVELY ON TODAY’S WEATHER IN TONIGHT’S STATE OF THE UNION

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ROMNEY MAY FORM ACTUAL ARMY TO STOP GINGRICH ADVANCE IN FLORIDA

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VIDEO CLIP OF NEWT SPANKING CNN’S JOHN KING WINS SC PRIMARY

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‘MORE ORGANIZED AND PROACTIVE’ PERRY DELIVERS SOUTH CAROLINA PRIMARY DEFEAT SPEECH

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ERROR-PRONE BIDEN ENDORSES ROMNEY

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OBAMA DETAINED FOR HARASSING VOTERS OUTSIDE NH POLLING PLACE

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DESPERATE PERRY HOPES POGO STICK JUGGLING ACT CATAPULTS HIM TO ‘NOT LAST’ IN NH PRIMARY

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BOUND BROOK, NJ ON HIGH ALERT AS MANVILLE THREATENS TO CLOSE STRAIT OF RARITAN RIVER

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HUNTSMAN PLACES SECOND IN HUNTSMAN FAMILY STRAW POLL

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HUNTSMAN GUARANTEES SOLE SUPPORTER HE’LL ‘DOMINATE THE IOWA CAUCUSES’

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TIM TEBOW: ‘I WANT TO AVOID BECOMING THE RICK PERRY OF FOOTBALL’

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2012 HURRICANE FORECASTS TO BE DETERMINED BY COUNTING ACTUAL HURRICANES AS THEY OCCUR

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ALEC BALDWIN KICKED OFF IRANIAN DRONE SPYING ON ADVANCED U.S. NUCLEAR PROGRAM

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GINGRICH GETS DREADED BILL CLINTON ENDORSEMENT

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CAIN CAMPAIGN BUOYED BY ONLY TWO ADDITIONAL SEXUAL MISCONDUCT CHARGES TODAY

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AMERICANS REMINISCE ABOUT THE ‘GOOD OL’ DAYS’ OF CARTER MALAISE

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STUPID VAMPIRE MOVIE SEQUEL DISTRACTS NATION FROM PENDING DEMISE

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UNDERGROUND APOCALYPSE SHELTERS TO OUTPACE SALE OF BABY FORMULA BY MID-2012, REPORT SHOWS

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PENDING PALIN ENDORSEMENT BEING PLANNED TO BE MOCKED ON LATE NIGHT SHOWS

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MICHELLE BACHMANN’S ENTIRE STAFF QUITS; SAYS HER CHANCES TO WIN PRESIDENCY ARE SQUANDERED, BUT PLEDGES TO REMAIN MARRIED TO HER

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SANTORUM SKYROCKETS TEN POINTS IN HIS OWN MIND

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EMPLOYED LIBERAL LOOKING LONGINGLY OUT WINDOW AT FUN ‘OCCUPY’ RIOT

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SOME KIND OF EUROPEAN DEBT CRISIS IN NEWS, REPORTS SAY

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HUGE ASTEROID SET TO TOTALLY ANNIHILATE EARTH TOMORROW; POSSIBLY, SCIENTISTS SAY

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REVERSING TRUCK BEEPING TO BE REPLACED WITH SARAH PALIN SCREECH

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IRAN FAILS TO SEND MONKEY INTO ORBIT; WOODEN SPACESHIP EXPLODES ON CARDBOARD LAUNCH PAD

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TOTALLY TRASHED RICK PERRY LOSES CONSERVATIVE BASE, GAINS SUPPORT FROM OCCUPY WALL STREETERS

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‘MORE HIP’ AND NEWLY BLEACHED-BLOND RICK PERRY SEEKS TO REVITALIZE FLOUNDERING CAMPAIGN

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REPORT: RICK PERRY MAY PASS ON FUTURE ROMNEY-FILLED DEBATES

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MICHELLE BACHMANN THREATENS TO LEAVE INCREASINGLY INEPT BACHMANN CAMPAIGN

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CAIN TWEAKS 9-9-9 PLAN, ROLLS OUT 7.25-11.35(WITH DEDUCTIONS)-6.95(WITH EXCEPTIONS) PLAN

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GADDAFI FINDS REFUGE FROM REBELS IN BLACKENED FIRE-FILLED WASTELAND

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MICHELLE OBAMA’S PLACEMENT OF RIGHT HAND OVER COPY OF SAUL ALINSKY BOOK DURING WORLD SERIES NATIONAL ANTHEM DRAWS CRITICISM FROM RIGHT-WINGERS

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MICHELE BACHMANN’S COOL ‘WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS’ LINE EDGES HER 7 VOTERS CLOSER TO SIXTH PLACE

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LEAKED: HUNTSMAN PLANNING NUDE STAGE STREAK FOR VEGAS DEBATE

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BILL CLINTON DENIES HILLARY’S ‘FIND MY FRIENDS’ IPHONE LOCATOR APP REQUEST

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LOCAL MAN PREFERS CHATTING WITH NEW SIRI TO OLD WIFE

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REPORT: GOP ILLUMINATI TRADED CABINET POSITION, CHILI’S DINNER COUPON FOR CHRIS CHRISTIE’S ROMNEY SUPPORT

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ONSTAGE ROMNEY-PERRY SPAT DETERIORATES INTO BACKSTAGE HAIR-MUSSING WRESTLING MESS

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‘OCCUPY BONG SHOP’ CAMPAIGN GAINS MOMENTUM

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FLOUNDERING U.S. POSTAL SERVICE RUNS AD CAMPAIGN CRITICIZING ‘MALWARE-RIDDLED AND SPAMMY EMAIL LETTERS’

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CRAWLING INTO RUNNING WOOD CHIPPER MORE DANGEROUS THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT

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CHRIS CHRISTIE ADMITS WORD ‘RUNNING’ IS CAUSING HESITANCY IN WHITE HOUSE BID DECISION

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